Round Two

We are now at the point where my friends (whom I love, might I add) are in round two of their pregnancies. Many strange emotions go on when I hear news of pregnancies. I do feel joy -- an authentic joy, not one completely stirred up to feign an appropriate response. But there always is a pang of disappointment in my own heart. It's hard enough to watch couples enjoy their first child, but to see them--with again, seemingly no difficulty--become pregnant and have additional children only draws a sharper contrast between them and me.

I'm aware that I feel this pain deeper during the holiday season. Robby and I will be celebrating our sixth married Christmas together, and I confess that I thought our family would look a bit different by now. It was strange sending out another Christmas card that had a photo of just Robby and me. Most of the time, I can think: Next year, it'll be different. Enjoy this year with Robby. But then that other thought comes in: But what if it's not.

The surgery we have scheduled for January brings with it high hopes for us. But I'd be lying if I said the "what if it's not" thought doesn't come into my head everyday. What if it's not the problem? What if it's not enough?

As I type this, I think of Paul, who prayed to God for something but did not get exactly what he wanted. Yet God said this: My grace is sufficient. It does all come down to God's grace: God's grace to allow us to have a baby, God's grace to hold us through our infertility, God's grace to provide when we feel we will crumble, God's grace to give us exactly what we need.

God, I need your grace today.

Surgery

My surgery has been scheduled for January 12th. Right now, our prayer is that, first, the surgery goes well (of course); second, that the cost of the surgery is as low as possible. The office gave me a quote, but it sounds like the insurance company may be contracted at a lower amount, which we're hoping for.

It's crazy to think that this is finally happening. I know that this isn't a for sure fix-it, but it definitely is exciting to know that this could be a step toward healing.

We're covered!

Our insurance coverage began yesterday, November 1st. Hooray! Poor Robby can finally get to the dentist, and I'll be able to have my surgery soon. We're hoping to have it done in January, so until then, it may be a bit quiet over here on my blog. Thanks for your continued prayers, thoughts, and concern.

Pray for Healing

This past Sunday night, the worship team at our church led the music for a combined church service that culminated our study of Jonah. Although I hadn't planned on it, I became the impromptu pianist for a prayer session. While everyone in the church was praying in small groups, I was up in front playing music and praying to myself. There were four different prayer foci. At one point, the pastor leading the time came up to me and asked if I would like to pray with him. He started praying for healing, healing of lives and specifically healing of bodies. The thing is, that was not the prayer topic. As he was finishing, I double checked, and sure enough, he had been praying for something that wasn't even on our prayer points. I knew that God had led Him to pray that with me, so I could join Him and be reminded that our God is a God of healing. I am just one person out of millions who needs healing, and only our God can accomplish that.

Thank you, God

I am amazed how God brings people into our lives. This past weekend, I had lunch with a (somewhat new) friend from church, a younger girl who has helped me with children's music. While meeting to just catch up and talk about next year's music, we began to share a bit together. This girl's story is amazing and includes over 10 painful years of wrong diagnosis and treatment of a very severe case of endometriosis. Within the last two years, she was finally correctly diagnosed, had a laparoscopy among other treatments, and is the best she has ever been. I was able to share with her my infertility journey and what the next steps for me are. Together, we talked about our fears, our frustrations, even the hit on our femininity we have felt. It was comforting, encouraging, freeing, a true gift from God, and I thank Him for that.

Better news

We were rejected a second time for insurance, but things are picking up with the possibility of getting on a group insurance with the church. Hooray! It is definitely a blessing from God. I know this could have gone on much longer, but it seems an end is in sight. The really great part is the insurance we're looking at is better than the two we've already applied for.

Besides that, I have been doing better. For a split insane second, I nearly applied for my old job again, which has recently opened up due to the teacher quitting. A number of factors went into that almost decision, but one of them was definitely being scared about this insurance situation. I see now that my desire to go back to work was coming out of fear and out of a dislike for all things unsettled, neither of which is a good reason to return.

Besides that, things are pretty much at a standstill pregnancy-wise. We're just waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

Painful Rejection

It has not been easy this past week. We found out we were denied the insurance coverage that we had applied for, which was quite a blow, but it was even worse when we finally received the letter explaining why we were rejected. It all came down to me marking a little box that said I had received treatments for infertility. Now, I may not have made it clear before, but our insurance covered none of my doctor's visits, treatments, ultrasounds, etc. that were in any way connected to infertility. Most insurance providers don't. Plus, I had to mark about eight boxes that said (in multiple ways) that I am not pregnant. So, needless to say, I'm frustrated, annoyed, and downright depressed about all of this.

Besides the fact that it's unsettling not to have insurance right now, getting that letter made everything feel a bit too real and a way too big. It may not have seemed like it on my blog, but I truly have tried to keep my infertility in perspective. The fact that it is an issue big enough to keep two healthy people from having medical coverage has nearly crumbled me. I feel completely helpless, and, if I'm honest, pretty hopeless, as well. This whole past year of treatments and doctor's visits has been a waste, and now it has only caused more problems than when we began.

I know what I'm supposed to believe right now. I know that God can do a miracle and heal me, that God can make the insurance problems work out, that God can fix this whole mess in an instant. But I also know that God allows us to go through things to make us stronger, finer, more like Him. That's what is hard right now, believing that God has my best in mind, and believing that it is better for me to have a healed heart than a "healed" situation. How I wish I could have both at the same time!

One thing is for sure: I'm desperate for God's strength and provision. I absolutely cannot do this day, let alone this entire thing, alone. And I guess that is a good place to be.

Postponed

The surgery needs to be postponed, as we did not get our insurance figured out. On the one hand, it's a relief because there was already a lot going on this weekend, and that would have made it a bit stressful. On the other hand, however, I am disappointed and frustrated. Once again, it feels like something is so close, then it just gets taken away. As much as I'm trying not to make this procedure the "fix-it" in my mind, I can't help but hope that this may be it. (Oh, another good thing is the policy we had applied for didn't cover much of outpatient surgery, so we're looking to make sure that's covered on what we apply for now.)

This whole insurance thing has also brought out another difficult situation. Pretty much, our choice is to have maternity covered and nothing else, or everything else covered and maternity not covered at all. I guess I understand that from the provider's perspective, but I feel like women diagnosed with infertility shouldn't have to make that choice! It feels like a choice between hope and despair!

Our choice, by the way, is to have everything else covered, but not maternity. It just makes more sense financially for us. But it's painful to know that this is still the logical decision.

One more thing

My blood tests were normal, however, so that's good. No thyroid problem here!

Appointment

This morning Robby and I went to my doctor's appointment. Our doctor was pretty straight forward and said at this point, we need to take a look inside my abdomen. There is a lot of evidence that I have endometriosis, but to know to what extent, a laparoscopy needs to be done. It was pretty interesting hearing the doctor explain how endometriosis causes infertility, and it's more than just making it difficult for an embryo to implant (like I previously thought). Women with endometriosis actually may produce low-quality eggs. Also, the endometriomas may release toxins, which would make an egg -- fertilized or not -- unable to make it. And of course all of the cysts just make a very negative environment for fertilization and implantation to take place.

Right now we have the surgery scheduled for next Monday, but there's a chance that may change. (Remember, we're still dealing with a change of insurance.) The good news is that it isn't considered an infertility procedure, so insurance should cover it as a normal outpatient surgery.

I feel mixed emotions. I guess I'm glad to take a different path that seems to offer more answers, but at the same time, it's discouraging and a little scary.

Another piece

I mentioned in a previous post about a book Kelly loaned me. I wanted to share a little of what today's chapter was about because it fits so perfectly with what I've been learning and sheds light on many of the problems I have right now. I confessed that my struggle with infertility has brought out some elements inside of me I am not proud of: anger, bitterness, resentment, even hate. I said "brought out" instead of "caused" because these things were already there; it merely took this situation and the people to shed light on them.

From Path to Sanity, by Dee Pennock

Your environment is given to maximize your discovery of what and who you are, to maximize your realization of your sin and need for God, to maximize your incentive to reach out to him and receive Christ in you, the hope of glory (Col. 1:27).

Nobody can elicit anger in you if there is no anger in you to inflame--as we see from the saints who experienced abuse and martyrdom without any anger. All people can do is spark a passion we already have in us, like anger. You can't lose your temper unless it's there in you to be lost. All our saintly counselors tell us, to use the words of one: Many passions are hidden in our souls, but they are discovered only when the object or cause which arouses them appears (Hesychius of Jerusalem).

If we have persons in our environment who cause our inborn passions to flare up in an obvious way, it can be a blessing for us. This disturbance, like the angel's troubling of the water in the pool of Bethesda (Jn. 5:2-9), can send us into the pool of God's mercy for help. Without such trouble we might not have stepped in and been healed. Healing is the purpose of conditions that reveal our passions. The discipline and trouble of this life, says John of Damascus, were designed to enable us to cast aside the evil that was foreign and contrary to our nature.

If a sin is not yours, you can't repent and be healed of it. We can't be healed of someone else's sin, only of our own. [. . .] Listen to what the saints teach. They say that whenever you keep feeling bothered by someone, tempted to impatience or anger or revenge, it's not because of the sin in the other person. No, it's never because of the sin in others; it's always because of the sin in you.

If you get into the habit, every time someone else bothers you, of asking Lord Jesus Christ forgive me and show me my sin, you'll be quite surprised at the adjustments in yourself that can be made...You'll find that repentance always works, enlightenment always comes, and the circumstances are always changed.

It's been that long?

We have a doctor's appointment scheduled for next Monday, October 4th. On that day, it will have been exactly 14 months since we began going to this fertility clinic. Throughout that time, we mostly have seen the nurses and technicians, not the doctor. This appointment, then, will be a time to discuss with the doctor what he thinks is going on, now that we've been at this for over a year. I'm anxious to hear what he thinks, as well as anxious to get some blood test results. We won't be doing any treatments, but it will be good to hear if he thinks it's even worth our time and money to consider another IUI.

A puzzle

There are many thoughts rattling around in my mind, and I can't seem to piece them together to make one coherent idea. A few things have contributed to this:

1. Two weeks ago at Elevate, the message was on Luke 1, the story of Zechariah and Elizabeth and God's promise to them to have a son, whom we know is John. I love that passage and even wrote a post about it earlier in the year. I can hardly hear it or read it without crying because I think of their desperate plea for a child, and God's gracious response to them, a response that was nothing they would have ever expected. I know God wanted me to hear that message and be reminded of His faithfulness and goodness. But something else stood out to me: the pastor talked about letting our dreams and plans go so that we may be part of God's plan. He said that God's plan will happen regardless of our decision, but we may choose to be part of what He is doing and let go of what we think our life should look like. That was hard to hear, mostly because I'm not sure how it applies to me. How do I let go of my "plan" to have a baby without letting go of my desire? How do I pursue what God wants of me right now without putting aside my "pursuit" to fix my infertility?

2. This past weekend I attend a simulcast of Beth Moore. The topic was the "law of kindness" and based on Proverbs 31:26. It was a fantastic day, convicting and encouraging at the same time. She provided us of eight "tastes" of what the law of kindness looks like, what it is and what it isn't. There were two main points that grabbed me. First, kindness is not an action, it's a disposition. Kindness isn't about doing something "nice" for someone; kindness is part of our character because kindness is part of God's character. That brings me to the second point: our kindness (unlike God's) wears down when we do. We must continually be in communion with God to become a truly kind person. If we aren't, and if we begin to try to be kind all on our own, we will fail. We will begin to wear down, and our kindness will, as well. This is where we see all sorts of nasty things come out of us: anger, hatred, bitterness, resentment.

This is when I began to cringe. My struggle with infertility has worn me down more than anything over the past couple of years, and specifically over the past year. I find it the hardest to be kind toward someone who has not had to struggle or who is (as I perceive) insensitive toward me. I would be a liar if I said that the only emotion I have felt is sadness. I have felt anger, resentment, and bitterness. There are not many things in my life that have brought up this response in me, but this struggle has.

Part of me is grateful, then. I would not have known that those dark things lie in my soul if I did not have this struggle. God has used this to bring up this dirt and muck, and He is cleansing me. It is not easy, but I'm grateful for it. The other part of me, though, would rather those had stayed hidden. I just feel like I can't overcome them, and I feel defeated even before I begin.

3. Kelly gave me a book a while back called the Path to Sanity. I'm not very far into it, but already God is using it to speak to me. I'm not ready to go into much detail yet, but the main thing so far is I am recognizing that my soul is sick and needs a Healer, and for me, the sickness is most clearly seen with how I view God (and myself) in light of this struggle. In that sense, the book has been wonderful; however, every time I put it down, I feel exhausted and confused. I don't know if it's because there are a lot of new concepts in the book, or if there is a serious struggle going on inside of me. Either way, that too has contributed to where I am right now.

4. I have been officially a stay-at-homer for about a month and a half now, and I'm afraid this wasn't the fix-all I thought it would be! It has been great. I absolutely love being home. But I still have the problems I had last year, just maybe with a little more sleep and rest to go along with them. I still feel frustrated, I still feel loneliness, I still feel sadness, I still want to see our life complete with a family. And more than ever, I am concerned about my life, and specifically its future.

So, that's where I am, with about another 100 thoughts to go with these. It actually was quite helpful to try to write this out, even if I know I can't perfectly convey what's going on inside of me.

Decisions, for now at least

Robby and I have decided to take a break. This month was hard: it began with a strange sense of numbness about it all, then great excitement, then utter disappointment. This emotional rollercoaster is more than I can handle, and that's just part of it. Physically, things have been tough. It seems the cysts just get worse and worse (which makes sense, since some are left over from each previous cycle), my hormones are all over the place, and I absolutely hate the progesterone suppositories (they cause all kinds of problems!). As sad as I am about another empty month, I feel relieved to have some time off from this again. Maybe we'll try another IUI in a couple of months. In the meantime, God is still working in us and is completely able to do a miracle when He chooses.

I hate pregnancy tests.

So, it's official official: I am not pregnant. I already knew I wasn't, since I took a test on Wednesday and Thursday as I was supposed to. However, because this stupid progesterone I'm on doesn't let me start my period until I go off of it (and it can take days for the progesterone to get out of my system and signal to my body it's time to start a period), I still live in suspense for a few more days. It finally came--as it always does--so here I am again, at the same place I am every month, starting all over.

You know what I look forward to? The day when I pee on a pregnancy stick and see something there! I use the ones from Target because they're cheaper, and they have the control window and the "a line will show up if it's positive" window. That window is always blank. Always!! I would love even a false positive here and there. (Okay, maybe I wouldn't, but I would love a true positive for sure!)

I have shed many tears this past week and asked many questions. Right now, I'm doing all right, but it seems that can change in an instant. The hardest part about this particular IUI (besides the fact that everything seemed so right) is that it may be the last one we do. We are changing insurance companies and changing the way our medical allowance works with Robby's job. This means that everything will now come out of our pocket for anything regarding infertility. An IUI cycle costs about $800 a month, including the medication, ultrasounds, visits, and procedure. Although that seems inexpensive if it works, it gets quite pricey when one has to do it multiple times. With the change of our employment situation (ie me staying home), we recognize that continuing fertility treatments may not be an option, at least not like it has been.

I know that fertility treatments are not necessary for me to become pregnant. I know that. However, it is scary to say we aren't going to do these anymore, even if I hate them. At this point, I don't really know what we are going to do, but what I do know is that God is with us, God can do anything, and God loves us.

Thanks for your sympathy, your support, and most of all, your prayers. I can't express how much they mean to us.

Update

I thought I'd quickly share that our third IUI was not a success. We are, of course, so sad. Like the last one, everything seemed to point to a good outcome. It is both disappointing and frustrating.

God is not silent during this time, and I praise Him for that.

It's okay to hope.

Hope, is that you breaking through?

A tiny chink of light?

Is that you upon my wall,

dancing pure and bright?

Are you growing speck by speck,

glowing in my dark?

Can I take you in my hand,

and place you in my heart?

I know I've often thrown you out

and driven you away.

But this time, please burn by my side

and turn my night to day.

For fear of disappointment

has made me lose my sight.

But I know you come from my God,

Creator of Hope and Light.

8/31/10

Better

I thought I should share that I am better. I am not so down and pouty like I was yesterday, so that's good. I am going to admit to you, though, that I still am not excited. I was talking with Robby about this last night and decided that although I firmly believe God is going to give us a child, this idea of a child is part of a far off future. I have no problem with saying that someday, God will grant us this; it's much more difficult to think that this time could actually be the time. And so, to get excited and worked up about it is difficult for me right now. I feel as if it's like buying a lottery ticket and getting truly excited about winning even though the chances are slim. I'm not saying these ideas are good. In fact, I'm recognizing quite the opposite. I don't want to have a "far off future" trust in God; I want to have a here and now trust in God. That is my prayer today.

Feeling down

This morning was our IUI, and things went smoothly. The doctor said everything looked good, and the procedure wasn't as uncomfortable as it was the last time. The strange thing is while I was happy at the doctor's office that things went well, as soon as we were in the car my excitement faded. After other appointments, Robby and I usually will talk about our future baby or dream about it becoming a reality, but today felt different, and I'm not sure why. The only thing I want to do is hide out right now.

Usually when I write a downer blog post, I write it after I've already come out of the depression. That's not the case today. However, knowing that God has been with us every step of the way regarding this (and everything), I can rest assured that He's with me and He knows the deepest corners of my heart that even I am unaware of. I find comfort in that today.

IUI #3

I can hardly believe the end of August is nearly here. It seems our little break from treatments went by so quickly, but I feel ready to begin it all again. I've already done a cycle of Clomid (the medication that stimulates follicle growth) and Ovidrel (the one that helps in ovulation). Tomorrow we have our third IUI scheduled, and I'm excited about it! My appointment went well yesterday: the doctor said I have three good follicles that look like they have matured well, and my uterine lining looked very good. (Before you get your hopes up too high, know that I've heard this all before!) So, from a health perspective, things look great! Keep us in your prayers tomorrow. It's always a pretty emotional day--and week--for us, plus the procedure itself isn't something I really love. Of course, the hope that this could be it for us makes us able to deal with about anything!

My Tree

When Robby and I moved into our home over a year and a half ago, we couldn't wait to get started on creating a lovely backyard. Robby has truly done that: he has planted trees, vines, bushes, and flowers; built a pergola, a pathway, and a planter; and overall masterfully created a little paradise for us. Nearly every morning, I spend some time outside drinking coffee, praying, or reading. This past week, I was reminded of something, and I cannot believe I had forgotten it. You'll see why it's almost unthinkable that this slipped my mind.

About a year ago, Robby had just planted our trees in our yard. It's not the wisest decision to plant trees in our summer because it is so hot here, but we are impatient, and we wanted trees. We left for a week vacation, and when we came back, our corner elm tree was dead. Every leaf was brown, the branches could snap right off, life seemed non-existent. We were both sad about this, not only because trees aren't cheap, but also because we loved that tree.

During this time, I was just beginning to deal with the difficulty we were having getting pregnant. We had recently celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary, and it was on that trip that two difficult things happened: I had my first bad case with cysts, and I heard from my ob-gyn that there wasn't any more she could do to help me get pregnant. I was pretty devastated that summer.

One morning, I was sitting outside reading my Bible and doing a little prayer-walking around the yard. I walked to that dead elm tree and started praying for it. (I know...a little crazy.) And then I started praying for me. I was so heartbroken about things not working out, and I felt sort of like that tree--dead, purposeless, withered. I prayed for healing for that tree, and I prayed for healing for me. I asked God to heal that tree to remind me of his grace for me in my life.

I continued praying for that tree throughout that summer and fall. I suppose once the school year began and things got busy, I forgot about it. The tree had begun to show signs of life, but it was still in a sad state.

Last weekend, I was outside again in the morning, and I remembered that prayer. I should probably say the Holy Spirit reminded me, because it came back so clearly. How could I have forgotten?? That tree--which was dead last summer--is now the biggest and most beautiful tree we have in our yard. It is double the size of the other elms, probably three times the size of the other trees, without a trace of death in it. It is gorgeous.

God answered my prayer, and He is answering my prayer still. He is the God of this grand universe, the God who holds all things together, but He is also the God who comes to us when we are alone in our backyard and magnificently reveals He is with us.

On a lighter note, I told Robby this recently, and he looked around our yard (many of our plants and trees are suffering from the heat and poor soil) and asked why I didn't pray for everything. I told him God had to let some of the other things die so I could more clearly see his hand.

Naptime

This week has been a bit rough for me. As I shared, it's my first real week off, the beginning of my new phase of life in a sense, and it hit right after about six weeks straight of running around, vacationing, church things, projects, etc. It began somewhat unfortunately as I had a cold, a UTI, the 24-hour flu (the achey one), and a yeast infection nearly back to back the first few days. All that to say, my defenses--both physically and emotionally--were down.

Kelly keeps a blog, and a couple of days ago, she wrote about her daughter when it's nearly her naptime. Kelly's daughter is an incredibly joyful baby. I spent four days straight with them and hardly saw her cry, and even if she was upset, there were never major tantrums. However, she does show that she is tired and wants her nap in one way: everything becomes, as Kelly says it, "heartbreak." Little things that would just roll right over her at any other time, such as bumping her head or Kelly walking away, become a reason for major tears.

I hate to say it, but when I'm tired, drained, a little on the sick side, I am like that little girl. (How sad! A one year old!) And then throw in the fact that I find a lot of my identity in what I do and accomplish, I'm bound to have a bad week once things slow down and the way my life has looked for years completely changes.

I'm not saying that I can't be truly sad about my infertility. I can, and I am. But what I've noticed is comments, situations, issues that I can usually handle--in light of God's promises and hand in my life--become a way bigger deal to me at certain times. Noticing this truth doesn't necessary fix what I feel, but it is good for me to acknowledge the times when I'm down and deal with it! It may mean I need to spend more time in prayer or reading my Bible; it may mean I go for a walk; or sometimes it just may mean I need a nap.

Time to deal

This summer has been a busy one for us. I suppose our summers are always busy, but I think this one takes the cake. I realized that from June 5 to July 31st, I was out of town half of those days. Besides making me tired, this has also made it very easy to put out of my mind any subjects I don't want to deal with. Guess what's first on that list?

So, the busy-ness is over, and there is now lots of time. The little things that came up over the summer are now coming to the surface: dealing with the painful cysts (again), more friends having babies, people talking about adoption and foster care. It seems just when I think I've "conquered" (I use that term very loosely) an issue or fear, it comes up in a new way, and God has to teach and heal me all over again.

Funny. As I wrote that last line, I could feel God say to me, "Exactly." I suppose my view of "conquering" is quite different from God's. He's not okay with me getting by; He's not okay with me stuffing things away; He's definitely not okay with me being so busy I don't have to deal with anything. He wants to teach and heal me...again and again and again.

Here we go again, then.

Happily Unemployed

There are two very strong emotions taking hold in my life right now. On the one hand, I am happy. I have been out of school for nearly a month, and my life just feels fuller, calmer, easier. I have been enjoying time with my husband, my entire family, and my friends. Robby and I have done some big things already, such as our anniversary trip to New York, but we also love the little moments we have, like coffee in the morning and planting new things in our yard. I have had time to be creative and use the talents God has given me, and this has been awesome. There are plenty of moments in my day when I think, This is perfect.

On the other hand, though, there is a hole in our lives. We want to have a baby and to have a family. We want to have more than just the two of us in our house. Each month, the disappointment is so overwhelming that it hurts and it seems to mask any good thing taking place. So while I am extremely joyful and content, I also recognize an emptiness in my heart, a longing to have that hole filled.

I realize that we often have seemingly contradicting emotions in our life. We want to work and have rest. We want companionship but also alone time. We want things to stay the same but also to keep moving. These opposite desires are part of life, so I guess that's what I'm feeling right now. But sometimes it's just plain confusing. I don't know how to deal with these two emotions at the same time.

So, I deal with them as best as I can. I praise God for the rest he has given me, the joy I have with my husband, the blessings He has granted us through family and friends. And I go to God with my disappointment, my sorrow, and my confusion.

IUI #2

This past month, Robby and I had a second IUI done. The last one was in February; after that, we took "off" March and April to give ourselves a break. We weren't sure if we were going to do the IUI before summer, but it ended up working out time-wise.

If I ever would have bet on things working out, it would have been this past IUI. Everything looked good and the timing (unlike last time) seemed perfect. We left the doctor's office excited and optimistic, as sure as we ever have been that this was it. The first week following the procedure, I was extremely hopeful. In the past, I have felt cramping very early in my cycle, and this time, I had none of that. The cysts that were a problem last time seemed nonexistent this time. I couldn't wait for those two weeks to go by so I could take a pregnancy test.

The second week after the procedure, things started to change. I began to feel my normal pms cramps, and I got my usual pms migraine....lovely, right? And very quickly, my hope started to fade. Then the weekend came, and all of a sudden the cramps went away. I know implantation cramping happens to some women, so I started to think that that was what I had felt. Hope spiked again for me.

Wednesday night, cramps came again, and Thursday morning, I took a pregnancy test, which was negative. Because of the progesterone I have to take each cycle, my period won't come until I stop taking the supplements. I stopped taking them Wednesday and had to wait until Saturday morning for my period to come. This was extremely difficult because although I had taken three pregnancy tests by Saturday morning, all negative of course, there still was a tiny bit of hope inside of me. It was squashed Saturday morning, not entirely, but for this cycle.

So, here I am, back at the beginning of my cycle. I am hopeful and optimistic again, like I am every month, like I pray I will continue to be every month. And although I told God very clearly that last month would have been just perfect for me to get pregnant (the school year is nearly over, I was giving a baby shower on Saturday, a February birth would be so great, our good friends just got pregnant...all valid and logical reasons), He once again has not heeded my advice and has chosen to do His own will. And I praise Him for that. I praise Him for being so good that He does not do things based on our desires or our actions, whether they are good or bad. What a small, wimpy God He would be if that were the case!

We are, once again, taking a break. Our summers are even crazier than the school year, and since we will be gone four weeks over the next two months, we think it is best to wait and start fertility treatments again in August or September. I am looking forward to a summer vacation and time to process all that has happened this past year. Thank you, as always, for your support and prayers. Thank you for holding to hope with me, even when mine starts to fade.

Rutless (not ruthless) God

I know it has been a month since I've lasted posted. That month has been filled with the expected emotions that I usually experience. At the beginning of every cycle, I come out of a sharp depression from receiving that negative pregnancy test. However, that usually begins to climb quickly, and I feel normal, even hopeful the days following as a new cycle begins. The hope continues through the point of ovulation and peaks right around the days immediately following. Then, the cramps inevitably begin, and the movement downhill starts. It is always the worst when I'm in the middle of those painful cramps, those sharp, excrutiating reminders that my body is doing the same thing it has done every month for fifteen years. Surprisingly, when I actually get the negative result, I begin to move out of the depression, knowing that a new cycle is beginning, and with a new cycle, a new opportunity.

So, that's where I am, physically and emotionally. I'm in my rut, but I realized this week that God never is. He has something new to teach me every month, or at least he has the same truth to impress upon me in a new way. One thing he has shown me is my potential to believe a terrible lie during those lowest points in my month. This is the lie: "I am all alone in this." No good can ever come out this statement. It is untrue and unbiblical, for two reasons:

First, we are never ever alone because we have, above all, Christ. Christ is with us in our joy and our pain. Christ has experienced every human emotion.

Secondly, everyone has experienced some form of pain, sorrow, or disappointment. It might not look exactly like mine, but it is the same human emotion. A person may not have gone through a struggle with becoming pregnant, but she may have gone through the pain of a miscarriage, or the disappointment of loss. Believing this lie will only lead to a sick type of arrogance (I'm the only one who experiences this) or anger and resentment (no one cares about or understands me).

God is so good. He will not let me accept and wallow in this lie. And what's even better, he promises to exchange our ashes for beauty, our sorrow for joy. Not only does he pull me out of the pit, but he puts me on solid ground and gives me grace to stand.

Stay-at-home...person?

This past week, I let my principal know that I wouldn't be returning to work at Green Acres next year. It was a huge decision for me, but not one that came without much prayer and thought. In fact, I have been praying for this for well over a year, asking God if Green Acres, and teaching in general, was where he wanted me to be. The thing is, I thought the decision would be easy for me. I thought (well, I hoped) that I would get pregnant, and the decision would be made. I never anticipated having to make this decision without having the...well...excuse of being pregnant. It's one thing to say I'm going to be a stay-at-home mom, but being a stay-at-home person doesn't quite go over as well.

When I realized that getting pregnant perhaps wasn't going to be my "out" for teaching, it became clear that I was going to have to make this decision and trust God. I knew that people wouldn't really understand. Why would someone who is doing well in her career and is not at the moment carrying a baby quit her job?! For many people, it just seems absurd. But for me, I know it's right. I know this is what God wants me to do.

The scary thing is, I don't have much of a plan. I have some ideas of things I'd like to do, but for the first time in a very very long time, I'm allowing God to lead me. And I'll be honest: this feels very foreign to me. But I think this is precisely what God wants me to do and feel right now. It may appear that my plan has failed, but I know God's plan is still perfectly on course.

One thing

It has been three weeks since I last posted, but my absence from my blog has not come out of a lack of things of which to write, but a surplus. I have often sat down and tried to write something, only to find myself overwhelmed with where to begin. I decided today to just write one thing that has found its way into my heart and mind recently.

One of the hardest things about my infertility has been knowing the "correct" way to respond, both in emotion and action. Recently, I was explaining this to Kelly, who was kind enough to listen...and listen some more...and then give me a true insight. She reminded me that the things we go through are things God has given us. He gives each of us specific things to teach us, grow us, and, as she put it, heal us. I think I have been expecting for God to lay out some plan for my life now, some new grand action I'm supposed to take. My thoughts have gone everywhere from pursuing another degree to adoption to foster care to full-time ministry. I guess I just assumed that God's reason for not giving me a child must mean that there is something big I need to do. My conversation with Kelly reminded me that my grand action may be simply to listen and walk in this, to accept that God is using this to heal my soul, to allow him to work in the deepest parts of my heart that I don't often like to venture into.

This may seem simple, even obvious, but for me it has been incredibly freeing. I am free to sit before Him and cry. I am free to tell him that this hurts and that I don't understand. And I am free to trust Him. That's it. I don't have to do anything beyond this. I can accept what he has given me and, more importantly, accept the healing change in my heart that comes from listening to and hoping in Him.

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“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” – Romans 5:1-5

Run and not grow weary

On Thursday, I shared how difficult these past two weeks have been for me. Of course, within the difficult time there have been many good moments, moments when friends have said the right encouraging word or moments when I've felt the peace of God flood over me. This weekend had more of those, and I wanted to write them down.

Friday night, Rob and I left for Lakewood, where I would be leading worship for a small women's gathering put on by our previous church and denomination. They had asked me months ago, and I said yes, obviously not realizing the difficult time I'd be in. I nearly cancelled last week but changed my mind, deciding to trust that God would give me the strength. I'm so glad I didn't miss the opportunity to be encouraged.

As I began the worship time, I shared with them how fitting it was that our theme was "Run and not grow weary" from Isaiah 40. The rest of that verse seemed to be my mantra: They that wait upon (hope in) the Lord will renew their strength. I told them that I was feeling very weak, very weary, but that it was God who would give me strength. And he did! It was an awesome time of worship and fellowship.

Afterward, a woman in the church (and a good friend of ours) came up and asked how she might pray for me. I told her that she could pray for us to have a baby, that that is what is on my heart right now. She began to tell me how they too had struggled with conceiving, and it took them eight years to get pregnant. She said she remembered being in a doctor's office just after having a laparoscopy. Before the doctor came in, she heard God tell her that she would have children, whether it was through the natural way or through adoption. Just then, the doctor came in and told her that the procedure had revealed that she was incapable of having a baby. She had to decide right then whom she would believe: the doctor or the Lord. She chose to believe the Lord. A year later, she was pregnant.

Later that day, we visited with some other friends, a couple who has just had a baby. Our friend shared that it was a complete shock and miracle that she became pregnant. She explained that she had not had a period in years, and she had been told that it was extremely unlikely that she would be able to have a baby. Her experience was very different from mine: she had already accepted in her life that she would not have children, and she and her husband were prepared for that. They were not prepared to get pregnant. Although it of course has been a blessing for them, it has nonetheless required a total dependancy on God.

It's interesting how different and yet similar our stories are. It reminds me that it is not so much about the outcome of our struggles as it is what happens within the struggles. What do we choose to believe? Do we trust the Lord, do we depend on him, or do we continue to think we know what's best for our lives?

Little by little (and I mean little), I am trusting the Lord, and I am not only believing intellectually, but believing deep in my heart that God has a purpose and a plan.

Meltdown City

Since I last wrote, things have taken a turn for the worse over here. Now, most people wouldn't know. I still do my job, attend church, and overall keep a smile on my face. However, the truth is, this has been one of the hardest weeks I've had in a long time. I guess I wasn't really prepared for the fall after my negative test last week. I was being honest when I said I was at peace with it. Truly I was! But when Wednesday and Thursday rolled around, and the cysts left over from the Clomid were causing me excrutiating pain again, and about 800 pregnant women were shopping at Target when I was, I started to crumble. By Thursday night, I was a bit of a mess. After a good long cry, I felt better, but it seemed that during the week to follow, I found myself just a thought away from tears again.

There is just a disconnect between what I believe and how I feel. I believe with all of my heart that God loves me, has a plan for me, wants to give me the desires of my heart. I believe that God grants rest and peace to all who ask Him. I believe that all things have their purpose. But I feel sad, disappointed, afraid, even angry at times.

I have found great comfort in God's word lately because it is full of people who believe true things about God but have obvious sorrows, disappointments, and fears. They are the poster-children for the truth we know, that it is in our weakness that God's strength is revealed.

I believe this to be true. Now if only my crazy emotions would just jump on the bandwagon and believe it, too.

Try, try again

I wish I had more exciting news to share, but after taking a test Saturday night, Sunday morning, and this morning, I have another negative result this month.

Saturday night and Sunday, I was heartbroken. John and Kelly left around 7:30, and right at that time, my cramps kicked in. It felt like my period had been just holding off until I would stop taking those progesterone supplements (which I mentioned prevent a period from taking place, but you can still get your symptoms.) I was already depressed, so I decided to just go ahead and take a test. Sunday morning was the worst, and I knew without a doubt at that point. Today's test just proved it all.

Thank you all for your prayers and support. I am doing all right at the moment, having already grieved over it this weekend and feeling at peace about it. I can feel hope growing inside of me again as a new cycle will start. We will be taking a break from the fertility treatments, however. March is just too busy, and I think a break would be good, anyway. We'll pray about when to start again, but probably close to summer.

Luke Review

This past Christmas, as I read the story of Christ's birth again, I was moved by the way God ordains seemingly unpleasant situations to be part of his perfect plan.

In the book of Luke, there is not only one surprising pregnancy, but two. Elizabeth, Mary's older cousin who was believed to be barren, finds herself pregnant at nearly the same time as Mary. What I find so incredible about this story is how God purposely ordains what seems like two terrible situations to be part of his perfect redemptive plan.

Terrible situation #1 is Elizabeth's barrenness. When Luke describes Elizabeth and her priest husband Zechariah, he praises them as righteous followers of God: "Both of them were upright in the sight of God, observing all the Lord's commandments and regulations blamelessly." But this couple carried a great sorrow in their hearts as "they had no children, because Elizabeth was barren; and they were both well along in years." We know that children were often associated with blessing. People must have wondered why it was that these two couldn't have children, perhaps even surmised that it was because of a sin. Elizabeth and Zechariah must have wondered why God wouldn't grant them a child.

Yet, this is the perfect way God wanted to bring the one who would prepare the way for the Messiah. God wanted John the Baptist to be born at just the right time, and wanted Elizabeth and Zechariah to be his mother and father. When Gabriel comes to tell Zechariah the good news that his wife would become pregnant, he says, "Your prayer has been heard." I wonder how many times they had cried out to the Lord, and all along, God knew exactly how he wanted it to happen. What at first seemed a terrible situation comes to be the perfect way.

Terrible situation #2 is of course Mary, an engaged girl who is a virgin and is pregnant. I think we are so used to hearing this miracle that we glaze over it. It is shocking, though. Mary, being like all young girls, no doubt dreamed about the day she too would be a wife and mother. I'm sure she never would have imagined her first baby would happen the way it did. In that day, Mary could have been stoned for being pregnant and unmarried. But this is the way God wanted to bring his son into the world. He wanted a young, inexperienced girl to be Jesus' earthly mother, and a committed young man to be Jesus' earthly father.

Both of them pregnant, Mary stays with Elizabeth for about three months. What conversations they must have had: Elizabeth, old in age and ready to have her first baby, and Mary, a virgin teenager pregnant with the Son of God. And this was how God ordained it all to happen.

God amazes me. What could seem to be absolutely terrible situations (barren woman and pregnant teen) are those he not merely uses but actually chooses to be the way to continue his perfect plan. And we know that God, being never-changing, must have just the same ordination of things in our lives. Nothing happens without a purpose. Nothing happens apart from his perfect plan. Praise God!

Baby Dreams

Recently, I was talking with Stephanie G. about "baby dreams" - those dreams where you're pregnant or holding your baby or something like that. I was telling her I've never had a normal baby dream. The crazy few that I had most vividly went something like this:

Dream #1 began with me holding a baby, which I knew was mine. I was in a hospital room and was very excited. But after I looked away and turned back to my baby, it had turned into Calla (my cat)! It was more of a half-Calla-half-human creature, and I was not happy about it, although everyone around me seemed to think that although it was unfortunate my baby turned out as such, it was not entirely shocking.

Dream #2 began with me, again, in a hospital room shared with another girl having a baby. Apparently, we both had just delivered, and she was holding this tiny lovely thing. Soon, someone came to hand me my baby, but she was huge! She was the size of a four-year-old, and I cried that my baby was giant-size.

Dream #3 takes place in a cabin, where there are about 20 women I know, from family to friends. All of us are taking pregnancy tests. (Yep, every single one.) One by one, each girl comes out of the bathroom to announce her positive sign, and slowly, my hope is building. In my dream, I distinctly remembered thinking, "If every single person gets a positive, maybe I will." But I take the test and stare at a blank square.

Dream #4 isn't all that interesting. I'm in a hospital room with absolutely no pregnant belly, but I know I'm going to have a baby. One after the other, different people come in to tell me that either I'm not pregnant or I am. The whole time, I'm very confused and frustrated.

So, why the hashing of all of this? Well, I had a strange dream this week. I suppose it was more of my hallucination dreams (which I call those weird dreams that occur when I'm "awake") since my eyes were actually open. It was Wednesday night, and I "woke up" to see Robby standing next to my side of the bed, holding the hand of a little child. In my dream, I knew it was my child standing there. I tried to wake myself up, but often with these type, it takes a few seconds. Finally, I got myself out of it.

I hesitate to even share this, only because I know it sounds like I think I received a prophetic dream or something like that. It's not like that, although strangely, it brought me some peace, though I'm not exactly sure why. I guess it made me feel that someday, that would be real for me.

Only a couple more days to find out if that "someday" will be sooner than later.

Name that pain

Every cycle, I see the same emotional roller coaster. This month is no different, although it is heightened by the fact that the IUI created more hope for us. It begins with disappointment with my period, but that disappointment actually disappears quickly. The reason is the hope of a new cycle is here! The first two weeks are usually exciting and peaceful. This is when I do my ultrasounds and Clomid and Ovidrel, all things that point to the grand possibility that exists.

Then the day of ovulation comes (which with the help of Ovidrel, I always know the exact date). You would think the excitement would continue, but strangely, there is always a huge dip and a bit of depression. This is because it is over...the anticipation, the hope. Ovulation has come, and it has either worked or it hasn't.

Then come the incredibly emotional days following when I scrutinize and cry over every pain and cramp. I am used to having extreme pms symptoms, pms symtpoms that occur early in my cycle. I have never been that lucky girl who is shocked that her period has come each month. Oh no. I've been the one who has been in pain (and not to mention a witch) a week and a half before the day. This week and a half--the time when I know my pms symptoms are here, but I am still trying to hold onto the slight hope that they are pregnancy symptoms that look a lot like pms symptoms--is always the most depressing.

That is where I am right now. Cramps have never really stopped since the IUI a week ago, and since my body acts exactly the same every single month (well, minus that horrific cyst experience last week), it's hard to keep hope. This feels like any other cycle for me.

The worst part is that because of the progesterone supplements, my period is always pushed later than when it normally would come, so I feel these pms symptoms forever, but keep a slight false hope because my period won't come. It's a cruel thing, actually.

So...I have another week (a week!) before I can take a pregnancy test. This is going to be a very very long seven days.

It's not about me?

I want to have a baby.

How many times have women thought that, even said those words. I know I have said them many times and would often follow them up with some condition: I want to have a baby by the time I'm 25. I want to have a baby after I teach a couple of years.

Somewhere in the last year, an understanding has dawned on me. It isn't about me getting a baby. It isn't about me getting to complete the picture I've had in my mind. It is about the baby.

I don't think I ever fully understood the truth that God is more concerned about the child's life, and how the child will be part of his kingdom, than he is with me getting a baby. Of course, God gave women the desire to have a family, and it's a good desire, and he teaches and blesses mothers (and fathers) through the raising of children. But it is not merely for their fulfillment that he does this, and this is a good thing to remember.

God has a purpose for the child I will one day have. He has a year he wants it to be born, a class he wants it to be in, teachers he wants it to have, friends he wants it to meet, and so much more. There is a purpose and a plan in every month that I am not pregnant, because it is God saying, It's not the time for that person to come into the world yet.

This is hard for me, of course. I do want to have a baby, just like I wrote at the beginning of this post. But I'm guessing that this--the understanding that the child truly belongs to the Lord and has a purpose completely apart from its parents--is a lesson that parents have to learn everyday, at every milestone. We are God's children. We are here to do God's will, not necessary our parents', though hopefully the two will most of the time align.

So, if this proves to be another empty month, I can hold on to this. I can know that it's simply not the time for that life to enter this world. Not yet.

A rough beginning

It has been a little over two days since I've had my IUI. The day of the procedure was full of hope and excitement with the possibility that things could have worked out. The next day, as cramping set in more, the hope wavered. Was my period coming already? Today, the cramping got even worse, and about 10:00 today I was ready to cry, quite sure that my period was coming. And then, 1:30 hit, and the cramping was so terrible, I couldn't stand. This was occuring right at the beginning of my 6th period class, and I wasn't sure I could make it through the rest of the day. Luckily, I managed to continue my lesson while sitting down. I found that as long as I didn't move around too much, I could handle the pain. After school, I called the doctor, and they believed that it was a large cyst I had (she actually used the word gigantic) finally rupturing. I am now lying on my couch with my sweet husband waiting on me. Hopefully the pain goes away soon. I have things to do!

An IUI and a dose of humility

Today was the big day for our IUI, and it was a success, as successful as these things may be. Of course, we won't know if it is really a success for another two weeks, but things looked good today. As far as the experience, it wasn't the worst. It was like a combination of a pap smear and the HSG I had done back in August (the dye test to check my fallopian tubes), but the good part was, it was relatively quick. I have had quite a bit of cramping today because of it, but besides that, I feel fine.

The last two days have been emotional for us, but in a good way. Last night Robby and I were able to talk a long time about the procedure, and although neither of us said anything new, I felt like we had even more peace about it. Today, I feel excited and nervous: excited of course with the possibility that this could result in a life; nervous with waiting for the results and then dealing with them.

There is also is another response I have that I wasn't expecting, and that is humility. For many people, having a baby is easy (relatively speaking), and it doesn't require much extra effort. A decision is made, and within a few months, the couple sees the result of that decision. For us, it's been different. We've had to ask everyday for God to give this to us, and we've had to commit ourselves to others for help, physically and emotionally. It's very humbling. I am unable to do what comes so naturally for most women, and that has made me recognize my dependency on God and those He will use. It also reveals to me the lack of dependency I have in other areas of my life, and this should not be so. Whether something comes as easily as breathing or not, God is the giver of everything and is the one who is all-sufficient.

I will use the next two weeks to think and write about what God has been teaching me through the last few years during this process, so read if you would like. Otherwise, you can wait to hear from me--either through this blog or through a call--in about two weeks. Thank you for your prayers and support.

A New Step

As I mentioned briefly, Robby and I are going to have an IUI (intra-uterine insemination) done. Although this does fall under the umbrella of artificial insemination (AI), and although AI is a very frightening term, this procedure is actually more routine than it sounds. All it means is that sperm is washed and, using a catheter, placed directly into the woman's uterus. It's the next logical step for us, and truly the next spiritual step, as well. Perhaps a year ago doing something like this would have meant I was putting more faith in science than in God, but I don't feel that way at all now. Now, more than I ever, I realize that technology is still fully under God's control. It is still God who allows new life to come. My prayer right now is that God grants this for us, that God works the miracle for us to have a baby.

Let me tell you what this will entail for us. First, I have been taking Clomid toward the beginning of my cycles. Clomid is a medication that increases follicle development. Mature follicles are what turn into cysts that release eggs each month. Typically, women have one egg released each month, so they usually have one, maybe two follicles. Clomid makes more, so it makes it more likely that one of them will produce a mature egg during ovulation. It does follow that the chance of multiples are increased from using Clomid. (And I say to that, the more the merrier!)

After I finish my round of Clomid, I go in each month for an ultrasound. This is where they see and measure the follicles I have. At my appointment today, I had four follicles ranging from 14 to 15 mm, which is still relatively small. They usually have me wait a few days, and then I give myself an Ovidrel injection. (Seriously, I have to give myself a shot! It's crazy.) This triggers ovulation to occur exactly 36 hours later. I am scheduled to give myself my Ovidrel injection on Saturday.

This has been where our routine has pretty much ended each month. Besides taken estrogen and progesterone, we left the rest of it up to ourselves. Now, we're ready to take a new step. We both feel at peace about the decision to have this procedure, and we know that no matter what, God is with us and God has a purpose for our life.

We appreciate your prayers with us, and we look forward to sharing the news with you, whatever it might be.

Something New

The blog I have kept for the last three years has been personal in that it has concerned my and my husband's life together, but it has also been something I was comfortable with anybody reading. I still enjoy keeping that blog going, mostly for myself and for my family and friends who read it. However, I wanted to have a place to share what I am learning through the struggles we've faced regarding infertility.

There, I said it, the dreaded word. Infertility.

Why have I all of a sudden decided to do this? The main reason is we are headed in a new direction with our fertility treatments. Next Monday we are having an IUI done. So, there are two possible outcomes: first, I get pregnant, and my struggle with infertility is over (at least until I try to get pregnant again); second, I don't get pregnant, and my struggle continues. Either way, I want a place to remind myself of what God has taught me and is teaching me through this whole process. We know that nothing happens without reason, so it would be a shame for me to go through this trial in my life without taking the time to recognize what I'm learning. I also want a place to keep those who are interested in this aspect of my life updated.

So, here I begin. My first post (see below) was a poem I have just finished. It's been in my head a long time, at least the image of it, and I decided to finally sit down and write it. As much as I am dying to give a disclaimer, I'm not going to. (Wait, is that a disclaimer? Well then nevermind.) It helps paint a picture of what I've felt, that I had in my head the "lives" I'd be fine with living. This life--this waiting, this wondering--is not what I had planned. And yet, this is what God has for me, which tells me that this is the best for me, the loveliest way my life could take.

The Loveliest Way

I stood before the paths I paved
And smiled, very pleased.
One trailed through a garden,
And one climbed to a tree.

The garden path, all bright with life
Had room for tiny feet.
The tree-bound way, a clearer route,
Gave promise of something sweet.

Both were fine, and both would be
Acceptable to take.
So, (feeling gracious), I said to Him,
This decision you can make.

Choose which one you’d have for me,
For either one will do.
I’d gladly climb the highest tree
To shine a light for you.

Of course, I’d walk among the flowers
And happily watch them grow.
Either way, my heart waits
To hear your word and go.

I held my breath, and stared down both,
But neither was made clear.
I’d nearly made up my own mind,
When something strange appeared.

The sunlight floated down to me
And a path began to form
It rolled like gold along the ground
And at once my heart was torn.

Another way? How could that be?
I gave the two I’d take.
Must I really consider this?
No doubt there’s a mistake!

The golden light passed both my paths,
And then before my eyes
Flowers grew, and trees came out
And stretched up toward the sky.

All at once, the paths nearby
Seemed sad and all too safe.
So which would it be? The stones I laid,
Or something that required faith?

A tiny step, and so began
My journey for today
No simple way or end is in sight,
But that’s part of the loveliest way.