Sunday, February 28, 2010

Name that pain

Every cycle, I see the same emotional roller coaster. This month is no different, although it is heightened by the fact that the IUI created more hope for us. It begins with disappointment with my period, but that disappointment actually disappears quickly. The reason is the hope of a new cycle is here! The first two weeks are usually exciting and peaceful. This is when I do my ultrasounds and Clomid and Ovidrel, all things that point to the grand possibility that exists.

Then the day of ovulation comes (which with the help of Ovidrel, I always know the exact date). You would think the excitement would continue, but strangely, there is always a huge dip and a bit of depression. This is because it is over...the anticipation, the hope. Ovulation has come, and it has either worked or it hasn't.

Then come the incredibly emotional days following when I scrutinize and cry over every pain and cramp. I am used to having extreme pms symptoms, pms symtpoms that occur early in my cycle. I have never been that lucky girl who is shocked that her period has come each month. Oh no. I've been the one who has been in pain (and not to mention a witch) a week and a half before the day. This week and a half--the time when I know my pms symptoms are here, but I am still trying to hold onto the slight hope that they are pregnancy symptoms that look a lot like pms symptoms--is always the most depressing.

That is where I am right now. Cramps have never really stopped since the IUI a week ago, and since my body acts exactly the same every single month (well, minus that horrific cyst experience last week), it's hard to keep hope. This feels like any other cycle for me.

The worst part is that because of the progesterone supplements, my period is always pushed later than when it normally would come, so I feel these pms symptoms forever, but keep a slight false hope because my period won't come. It's a cruel thing, actually.

So...I have another week (a week!) before I can take a pregnancy test. This is going to be a very very long seven days.

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