Wednesday, October 27, 2010
This past Sunday night, the worship team at our church led the music for a combined church service that culminated our study of Jonah. Although I hadn't planned on it, I became the impromptu pianist for a prayer session. While everyone in the church was praying in small groups, I was up in front playing music and praying to myself. There were four different prayer foci. At one point, the pastor leading the time came up to me and asked if I would like to pray with him. He started praying for healing, healing of lives and specifically healing of bodies. The thing is, that was not the prayer topic. As he was finishing, I double checked, and sure enough, he had been praying for something that wasn't even on our prayer points. I knew that God had led Him to pray that with me, so I could join Him and be reminded that our God is a God of healing. I am just one person out of millions who needs healing, and only our God can accomplish that.
I am amazed how God brings people into our lives. This past weekend, I had lunch with a (somewhat new) friend from church, a younger girl who has helped me with children's music. While meeting to just catch up and talk about next year's music, we began to share a bit together. This girl's story is amazing and includes over 10 painful years of wrong diagnosis and treatment of a very severe case of endometriosis. Within the last two years, she was finally correctly diagnosed, had a laparoscopy among other treatments, and is the best she has ever been. I was able to share with her my infertility journey and what the next steps for me are. Together, we talked about our fears, our frustrations, even the hit on our femininity we have felt. It was comforting, encouraging, freeing, a true gift from God, and I thank Him for that.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
We were rejected a second time for insurance, but things are picking up with the possibility of getting on a group insurance with the church. Hooray! It is definitely a blessing from God. I know this could have gone on much longer, but it seems an end is in sight. The really great part is the insurance we're looking at is better than the two we've already applied for.
Besides that, I have been doing better. For a split insane second, I nearly applied for my old job again, which has recently opened up due to the teacher quitting. A number of factors went into that almost decision, but one of them was definitely being scared about this insurance situation. I see now that my desire to go back to work was coming out of fear and out of a dislike for all things unsettled, neither of which is a good reason to return.
Besides that, things are pretty much at a standstill pregnancy-wise. We're just waiting. Waiting. Waiting.
Monday, October 11, 2010
It has not been easy this past week. We found out we were denied the insurance coverage that we had applied for, which was quite a blow, but it was even worse when we finally received the letter explaining why we were rejected. It all came down to me marking a little box that said I had received treatments for infertility. Now, I may not have made it clear before, but our insurance covered none of my doctor's visits, treatments, ultrasounds, etc. that were in any way connected to infertility. Most insurance providers don't. Plus, I had to mark about eight boxes that said (in multiple ways) that I am not pregnant. So, needless to say, I'm frustrated, annoyed, and downright depressed about all of this.
Besides the fact that it's unsettling not to have insurance right now, getting that letter made everything feel a bit too real and a way too big. It may not have seemed like it on my blog, but I truly have tried to keep my infertility in perspective. The fact that it is an issue big enough to keep two healthy people from having medical coverage has nearly crumbled me. I feel completely helpless, and, if I'm honest, pretty hopeless, as well. This whole past year of treatments and doctor's visits has been a waste, and now it has only caused more problems than when we began.
I know what I'm supposed to believe right now. I know that God can do a miracle and heal me, that God can make the insurance problems work out, that God can fix this whole mess in an instant. But I also know that God allows us to go through things to make us stronger, finer, more like Him. That's what is hard right now, believing that God has my best in mind, and believing that it is better for me to have a healed heart than a "healed" situation. How I wish I could have both at the same time!
One thing is for sure: I'm desperate for God's strength and provision. I absolutely cannot do this day, let alone this entire thing, alone. And I guess that is a good place to be.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
The surgery needs to be postponed, as we did not get our insurance figured out. On the one hand, it's a relief because there was already a lot going on this weekend, and that would have made it a bit stressful. On the other hand, however, I am disappointed and frustrated. Once again, it feels like something is so close, then it just gets taken away. As much as I'm trying not to make this procedure the "fix-it" in my mind, I can't help but hope that this may be it. (Oh, another good thing is the policy we had applied for didn't cover much of outpatient surgery, so we're looking to make sure that's covered on what we apply for now.)
This whole insurance thing has also brought out another difficult situation. Pretty much, our choice is to have maternity covered and nothing else, or everything else covered and maternity not covered at all. I guess I understand that from the provider's perspective, but I feel like women diagnosed with infertility shouldn't have to make that choice! It feels like a choice between hope and despair!
Our choice, by the way, is to have everything else covered, but not maternity. It just makes more sense financially for us. But it's painful to know that this is still the logical decision.
Monday, October 4, 2010
This morning Robby and I went to my doctor's appointment. Our doctor was pretty straight forward and said at this point, we need to take a look inside my abdomen. There is a lot of evidence that I have endometriosis, but to know to what extent, a laparoscopy needs to be done. It was pretty interesting hearing the doctor explain how endometriosis causes infertility, and it's more than just making it difficult for an embryo to implant (like I previously thought). Women with endometriosis actually may produce low-quality eggs. Also, the endometriomas may release toxins, which would make an egg -- fertilized or not -- unable to make it. And of course all of the cysts just make a very negative environment for fertilization and implantation to take place.
Right now we have the surgery scheduled for next Monday, but there's a chance that may change. (Remember, we're still dealing with a change of insurance.) The good news is that it isn't considered an infertility procedure, so insurance should cover it as a normal outpatient surgery.
I feel mixed emotions. I guess I'm glad to take a different path that seems to offer more answers, but at the same time, it's discouraging and a little scary.