tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36614681573693285402024-03-13T06:35:39.884-07:00The Loveliest Wayhoping, waiting, & trusting while on our infertility journeyCandacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05378265950926351204noreply@blogger.comBlogger144125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3661468157369328540.post-45919996439024994512014-09-22T09:56:00.001-07:002014-09-22T09:56:14.882-07:00New Blog!Hi friends!<br />
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I've started a new blog that pulls all aspects of my life into one place. You are very welcome to read it. I'll be continuing my adoption and infertility posts over there, although I do plan on copying the posts here, too. This space has been so important to me - I'm not quite ready to say goodbye to it yet!<br />
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My new blog:<br />
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Candacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05378265950926351204noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3661468157369328540.post-32846329050898273062014-08-12T12:11:00.004-07:002014-08-12T12:11:31.698-07:00Why We're AdoptingToday I applied for an adoption grant through our church association. It's a neat ministry where Southern Baptist pastors and missionaries can apply to receive aid for an adoption. Exciting, right? As part of the application, I had to share why we're adopting, and this is what I wrote:<br />
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Our journey to adoption has been a long one, and at times it has been full of many tears. We were married in 2005 and knew we wanted a family–and a big one at that!–but our plans to have children didn’t go as we thought. After much prayer and counsel, we felt led to begin fertility treatments, beginning with the most conservative treatment and ending with a last-effort attempt of In-Vitro Fertilization. During that time, we found out Candace had severe endometriosis that required surgery, and just before our IVF, she was diagnosed with Diminished Ovarian Syndrome. We were heartbroken as we heard our doctor tell us we had a less than 1% chance of conceiving.<br />
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Infertility is often a huge burden for a couple to bear–financially, emotionally, and spiritually. We experienced great loss and heartbreak, calling on God’s strength and love and the support of our church to get us through something we simply did not understand. Through some research, Candace became connected with Bethany Christian Services, an organization that offered infertility counsel and help. Little did we know that this would be the organization, years later, that we would join with to bring a child home!<br />
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Although we never began our marriage thinking adoption would be part of our life, here we are, excited and ready to grow our family through adoption! God has done a huge healing in our lives, mending the brokenness from so many “fails” and opening up our hearts to something new and different. We also see how God was preparing us along the way, without us even knowing it. Rob, as an Associate Pastor, is over a number of different areas, one of them being our youth ministry. Candace, a high school teacher, has been part of that with him, as well as the children’s ministry. God has placed us in so many areas of service that involve children, showing us that His love is what binds us. God has used our experiences, our joys and our pain over the past years to grow us and prepare us to be Christ-like adoptive parents to a little one.<br />
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We began our process and home study at the beginning of 2014 and just completed it in July. Although the journey has been long, our reason for adopting seems simple now: God has poured out his love and mercy on us, and we want to do the same. We want to experience–as a family–God’s redemption through adoption. We are excited to work with Bethany Christian Services to match us with a birth mother who is choosing a plan of adoption for her child. We will be part of an open adoption, meaning we will be connected to the birth mother and possibly the birth father, as well as extended family. We know there will be tough moments along the way, but we trust that God is working this out to be something beautiful.
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I'll let you all know if we receive this help! Please pray that God's will is done in this! Also, if anyone is interested in supporting us financially in our adoption, you are certainly welcome to :) You can send support to our church's adoption fund, making a note that it is for the Feely family. (This gift is tax deductible, so if you would like a receipt be sure and include a request for one with your name and home address.) Thank you all for your continued prayers and support! This child is already so loved. :)<br />
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Sierra Baptist Church</div>
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1437 E. Walnut Ave.</div>
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Visalia, CA 93292</div>
Candacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05378265950926351204noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3661468157369328540.post-43263482701150194052014-07-26T20:39:00.000-07:002014-07-26T20:39:10.411-07:00We're waiting...officially! <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Today we sent off our adoption profiles! At this point, our home study is completely finished, and we are an official waiting family! We are full of joy and are definitely celebrating this moment! Woo-hoo!Candacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05378265950926351204noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3661468157369328540.post-53563382031399214372014-07-14T11:57:00.000-07:002014-07-14T11:57:35.826-07:00Prayers!I shared this on my personal blog this morning but thought I'd share it here, as well, for my sweet Loveliest Way readers.<br />
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A little over a week ago, our head pastor was in a serious bicycling accident while making his way back from a morning ride. As far as we know, he somehow lost control of his bike and crashed head-first into a boulder. His injuries are serious, and although he is making great progress for the type of trauma he experienced, he still has a long journey ahead.<br />
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Please pray for him and his family, specifically his wife who is at his side every moment she can be. Pray for our church and for my husband, Rob, who is the associate pastor of our church. A great burden is on his shoulders to keep everything up, and he needs wisdom and strength as he continues to lead the church.<br />
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We see God's hand in all of this. God spared our pastor's life and is already working mightily in his healing. He provided help quickly in spite of cell phones not having reception. He orchestrated people, including our pastor's children and some extended family, to be home and nearby when needed. He blessed us this past week at our VBS and youth event, and He even prepared Rob and me by allowing us to get the majority of our adoption work finished so we can be present with our pastor and church in this time.<br />
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It makes it all the easier to trust the Lord when He is already proving Himself faithful! If you are interested in keeping up with the progress of our pastor, you can follow the updates on this <a href="https://www.facebook.com/Prayforpastormark?fref=nf" target="_blank">Facebook page</a>.<br />
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Thank you for your prayers and support!Candacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05378265950926351204noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3661468157369328540.post-65584499273923455772014-07-12T18:09:00.001-07:002014-07-12T18:09:55.827-07:00Healthy and SafeThis week, we finished the last of our items on the giant list. We completed our Preference Survey and handed it in to our social worker.<div>
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This may have been the hardest part yet. It didn't require the hours of design and writing the Adoption Profile took, and it didn't require quizzes to receive credit (as each online course does), but it dug deep into my heart more than anything else. </div>
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The Preference Survey is a lengthy questionnaire that explains what we're open to adopting, specifically regarding health and background. We prayed (and cried, at times) our way through it, recognizing that this–I'll say it again–is hard.</div>
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I've been friends with many pregnant women now, and I've prayed with them as they carried their babies. I have yet to experience a woman who has ever asked for anything except that her baby would be healthy. That's it. That's a mother's deepest desire: that her tiny baby growing inside would be healthy and safe.</div>
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But, to be honest, there really isn't a box to check that says "healthy and safe" on the survey. The reality is that many and arguably all of these babies are entering the world with some amount of trauma. And so, we must decide what we can handle, what God has equipped us to do. I have no doubt in my mind that I will love any baby we get to hold in our arms and have for life, but that fact doesn't make this any easier. I, like any mother-to-be, want my baby to be healthy and safe.</div>
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This is yet one more loss we must face in our infertility, one more piece we must release. I have no control over what happens to our baby during its nine months of life with its mother. Even as we completed the survey and explained what we were open to, we both recognized that all of this is out of our hands. We are at the mercy of God, depending on His grace and His plan to make this work out for good.</div>
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I've been reminded, though, that we are depending on God's grace and His plan for good every single day. We try to keep ourselves and those we love healthy and safe, but sometimes God allows otherwise. This week alone, we saw that happen on a huge scale with someone we love, and everything we believe comes to the surface during these moments. Is God who He says He is, even in the face of illness, accidents, and loss? Is God still good, is His plan still perfect, even when we're not healthy and safe?</div>
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The answer is yes. Yes, God is who He says He is; yes, God still is good; yes, God's plan is perfect. In trials, in loss, in things we don't understand, God is working out His plan, a plan much much bigger than keeping our bodies healthy and safe. In my humanness, in my weakness, I can be entirely concerned with protecting this body, when perhaps God cares more about the health and continuing salvation of our souls.</div>
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It's at this point of understanding that I'm left completely helpless and dependent on God. Every single thing is out of my control, but He has a purpose for each joy and trial in my life. I praise Him that He has neither surprise at the things that happen, nor fear. He is all-knowing, all-powerful, and all-loving. This is my comfort and peace in life: He knows, He can, and He loves. </div>
Candacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05378265950926351204noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3661468157369328540.post-1845692723216031532014-07-02T11:17:00.000-07:002014-07-02T11:17:14.545-07:00Grace for todayYesterday started strong. We had finished our adoption profile and completed our home inspection. I woke up, my body and mind alert to begin working on something, then quickly realized there wasn't much to do anymore. We had gotten through that strenuous 90-day assessment process, and so I poured myself a cup of coffee, ready to enjoy a peaceful and relaxing day.<br />
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<i>Right...</i><br />
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I should know by now. I really should. Every single time we hit a milestone or cross a bridge, the weight of it all falls on me again. The day may have started strong, but soon I was a wreck. A sobbing mess.<br />
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You know, I grow weary of these complicated emotions of mine. Grief and joy. Loss and hope. Confident one moment, then terrified the next. Strong in the morning, but weak by noon.<br />
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Here's the thing about us: we threw out our rose-colored glasses long ago. From the moment we decided to grow our family, it has been hard. Even now, even though we are in the adoption process and we believe that we will have our child one day, the road ahead is still difficult.<br />
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I was reminded of something I learned at our Bible study this past winter. Beth Moore said something so profound (and Kelly unknowingly echoed it yesterday). Beth said that when we put ourselves in these future situations, these situations that are hard and even frightening, <i>we are envisioning ourselves there without the grace and help of God</i>.<br />
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God has given us grace for today, for what He's calling us to right now. He's guided us, loved us, provided for us, and we have every reason to trust Him. We don't know why certain things have happened or not happened. We don't know how it will all work out. But we know that He's here, and He has a plan. We know that every single day, He gives us what we need to be strong and brave and faithful.<br />
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That's the key, though: He gives it to us. Which means that we have to recognize our weakness and allow Him to be our strength. It was okay that I fell to pieces yesterday. This is huge! This is bigger than anything we can do on our own. But if I simply remained in my crumpled state, I'd be missing out on who God is in my life. He gives me strength for each day and grace for each moment. He is our hope for today and for our future.<br />
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Little by little, I allowed Him to strengthen me yesterday. My friends and family encouraged me; my husband supported me; and the words in Scripture empowered me. <i>For when I am weak, then I am strong </i>(2 Corinthians 12:9-11).<br />
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By the evening, there was peace in my heart, and there still is. I know tears will come again, and I know there will be tough days ahead. But I hope I remember sooner than later that God gives us what we need in the moment we need it.Candacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05378265950926351204noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3661468157369328540.post-21957276110266875892014-07-01T08:32:00.001-07:002014-07-01T08:32:45.982-07:00Adoption Profile...Check!We finished our adoption profile last night! It has been nearly a week of working on this, and I have no doubt we've spent at least 40 hours on it. It's complete, though, and the order is on the way. What a huge weight off of our shoulders! We also had our inspection yesterday, so it was a big day for the Feely's.<br />
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Here's the final cut. Note that for this post, I took out a few photos and bits of information, so if there are blank spots, rest assured that those are filled :)<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cover</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Page 1: Individual Information</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pages 2-3: Joint Information</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pages 4-5: Letter to the Birth Parents</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pages 6-7: About Us</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pages 8-9: Places We Love</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pages 10-11: Our Family, Friends, and Faith</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Page 12: Our Home</td></tr>
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Candacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05378265950926351204noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3661468157369328540.post-51310105824942326682014-06-26T22:14:00.002-07:002014-06-26T22:21:30.420-07:00Sneak Peek of our Adoption ProfileFor the last two days, I have remained in my pjs from morning until night, working on one thing: our adoption profile. Here's a little glimpse of it:
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Like seemingly every aspect in this process, this has been a lot more work than I anticipated. With the sheer weight of it all (birth mothers will use this–these pictures, these words, these pieces of our heart!–to consider us for a match) coupled with my tendency to overdo everything, it's been a bit stressful. I'm so thankful to have the summer off and to be home this week! It's been a lot of work, but it has been good to know I can pour all of my attention into it and finish it.<br />
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It's not finished, though. Close, but not quite. We'd like to get some updated photos, so that will be a project for this weekend. Plus, we'd love to include a picture or two from when we were little, so that means finding and scanning old photographs. Still, the majority of the plotting and writing of these twelve pages is complete!<br />
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In fact, things in general are progressing nicely. We have only two online classes left and just a few more chapters to read in the book The Connected Child. Monday is our home inspection, and we are almost ready for it. Once our profile is finished, we'll use portions of it to complete some other elements. And–fingers crossed–that's it! For now, at least :) Our social worker will do her part and get us all approved, and then we'll be placed on the waiting families list. Whew!<br />
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I look forward to having all the pieces in place, so we can simply rest and wait. It's been a lot these past few months, so I welcome some quiet. Notice I said <i>some</i> quiet. We don't want to be waiting forever!Candacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05378265950926351204noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3661468157369328540.post-64040513726586448452014-06-21T15:03:00.000-07:002014-06-21T15:03:06.997-07:00Where We AreI started writing this post simply to share where we are in the process and the new items we've checked off of our list. In the past week and a half, we have completed six online courses and our individual interviews. We have only a few courses left, our home inspection, and the creation of our adoption profile. Amazing!<div>
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But it's time to share where we are emotionally, as well. With every step, we find ourselves revisiting a piece of our grief and feeling some part of our loss. This past week, we were at the beach celebrating our anniversary. There were (of course) countless families enjoying the sun and waves, and as I watched darling kids bounce around on the beach, my heart was heavy. One of the greatest losses for us is not knowing what our biological children would have looked like. I grieve that I will never know them, that we will never get to say she has my eyes or his hair color. As we're learning about what it means to be an adoptive family, what it means to even be a conspicuous family, that loss feels fresh again. Please don't misunderstand: I have joy when I think about the adoptive child God will give us, and there is an excitement over what he or she will look like! But just because I have joy and excitement over a good thing doesn't mean there aren't tears over the loss. This is true for our future adoptive child, just as it is true for us. </div>
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In fact, so much of our training and education has focused on the unique challenges we will have being adoptive parents. At times, it can be overwhelming. We find ourselves growing in knowledge and preparation, but with that comes the heavy reality that this will, from the very beginning, be different. It will, from the very beginning, be hard. And that isn't even touching on the difficulties of parenting in general, adoptive or not. </div>
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It was good last night, then, when Steph reminded me that it's the daily life that will make it all worth it. Right now, we are learning all about the challenges, the questions, the crises, and the difficulties; very little time is spent talking about the beauty of being parents, the everyday moments we'll share with our little one, and the big milestones that we'll all celebrate together. But those will be ours, too.</div>
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So, where we are: moving along, checking things off, putting one foot in front of the other, and believing even when it's difficult that God is in this.</div>
Candacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05378265950926351204noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3661468157369328540.post-82113226541084404022014-06-07T08:36:00.000-07:002014-06-21T14:20:19.903-07:00Adoption SeminarYesterday was a long day at the end of a long week. We finished out our school year, our children's Wednesday night ministry, as well as finalized plans for out-of-state traveling this month. Instead of having our Friday off (the usual routine for us lucky kids), we woke up bright and early and drove two hours to Modesto for an all-day adoption seminar.<br />
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The day was amazing! Exhausting, of course, but amazing. The ladies at Bethany Christian Service were friendly and knowledgeable and somehow managed to put together an eight-hour program that kept our attention. Three other couples working through their home study process joined us, which was really neat.<br />
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I won't be able to effectively share what we learned since I'm still recovering from the crazy week, but here are a few highlights of the day:<br />
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<li>Meeting the wonderful staff of BCS and three other couples somewhere along the same journey we are. Wonderful support.</li>
<li>A "skit" (for lack of a better word) of the adoption process with BCS–sounds silly but was so helpful seeing how it all works and what is often happening simultaneously</li>
<li>Learning about The Connected Child, a book and series of videos that BCS highly recommends. I am ready to read this! You can see a bit about it at the website <a href="http://empoweredtoconnect.org./">empoweredtoconnect.org.</a></li>
<li>Helpful information on interracial adoption. Take a look at <a href="http://www.pactadopt.org/app/servlet/HomePage" target="_blank">PACT</a> to learn a bit more. </li>
<li>Meeting and listening to the story of three birth mothers who came to Bethany Christian Services while pregnant and made an adoption plan. This was awesome.</li>
<li>Learning more about Open Adoption and what that may look like</li>
<li>Statistics about this new generation of birth mothers who make an adoption plan</li>
<li>New language: not "put up for adoption" or "given away" but <i>made an adoption plan</i></li>
<li>Getting a strong dose of both reality and hope!</li>
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After the seminar, we drove home, stopping off in Fresno for dinner at Cheesecake Factory and a quick trip to Anthropologie, my home away from home. It was a good day that gave us a lot to think about and talk about it, but perhaps more importantly, gave us real tools to empower us. We are becoming more and more confident with each new step, embracing the unknowns that accompany adoption with knowledge and faith.</div>
Candacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05378265950926351204noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3661468157369328540.post-69864617557629915992014-05-30T09:31:00.004-07:002014-05-30T09:31:49.146-07:00The Application ProcessA lot has happened over the past couple of months. Since our <a href="http://theloveliestway.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-surprise-interview.html" target="_blank">first interview</a> at Bethany on March 18, we have jumped in to our application and home study assessment. At the interview, they had asked if we'd have any problem completing the application within three months. <i>Three months to fill out paperwork</i>, I thought. <i>No problem!</i><br />
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We realize now why they give that amount of time, and recognize it can even be a challenge to fit it all in. The application includes <u>everything</u>. Sure, there were lots of questions we answered (that took a couple of evenings to complete), but beyond that there was fingerprinting, physicals, lab work, TB testing, ordering records, CPR/First Aid certification, just to name the biggies. We also have a pretty lengthy list of online webinars and classes to take, as well as an all-day event in Modesto next week. That and the rest of our joint interview, our individual interviews, and our home inspection are still on the list to do! As I said, a lot has happened over the past couple of months.<br />
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But more than just completing our application process has happened. We find ourselves more and more excited about adopting each day. We are learning and growing so much. We are dreaming.<br />
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The next month will (hopefully) finish up most of our process! And then...<br />
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...we wait.<br />
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We're getting pretty good at waiting. ;)Candacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05378265950926351204noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3661468157369328540.post-40043531154812027412014-04-19T21:21:00.001-07:002014-04-19T21:21:21.582-07:00One YearOne year ago today, two embryos were formed, and we loved them more than we'd loved anything before. They weren't able to stay with us on this earth, but we look forward to seeing them one day.<br />
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I came home today, and Robby had written this:<br />
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<i>Amidst the cross of yesterday and the resurrection of tomorrow, we find our hope that our little embryos will be unfolded in the presence of God and that they will delight in Him, and He in them, forever. </i>Candacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05378265950926351204noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3661468157369328540.post-7091749520421477732014-03-21T08:50:00.000-07:002014-05-30T09:34:12.811-07:00It's beginning!Yesterday we received the email from the adoption agency letting us know that we are officially beginning this process with them! Let's all just take a moment and cheer!<br />
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<i>(yay!woohoo!hooray!sparkles!confetti!praise!partyhats!yipee!streamers!glory!)</i></div>
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We are full of praise and excitement, friends! Today we have the day off, so we'll be filling out our first set of paperwork and sending off that first check. It's amazing to think of the journey we've had and the changes we've experienced, and I'm sure I'll sit and write about that one of these days. Today, I thought I'd line out a bit of what we're expecting over the next few months and year(s).<br />
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First of all, Bethany Christian Services has gone through some major changes in the last year or two. Part of that simply has come because the world of adoption is changing. That being said, if you or someone you know has adopted through BCS, you'll notice things are a bit different now.<br />
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<b>Step 1 (Application and Assessment)</b><br />
The first step is the assessment. This includes the formal application, interviews, documentation, verifications, legal clearances, a home safety check, adoption education, and a written Home Study and and approval. All of this is a 90 day process (hopefully!). After it is finished, we are officially adoptive parents material! This first step is $5000, and thanks to the many people who have donated to the adoption fund at our church (this was set up as a memorial after my grandmother passed away last fall), this first step is covered!<br />
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<b>Step 2 (Bethany Partner Family Services)</b><br />
Once we have been approved, we can choose to be included in the pool of Bethany families waiting for an adoption. There are some requirements to be met to be included, but (as far as we can tell), we do meet them. Not everyone necessarily goes on to step 2, though. After being approved, a couple may be able to complete their adoption elsewhere or independently. This second step is $5000.<br />
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<b>Step 3 (Adoption Placement)</b><br />
This is when an adoption actually takes place. This final payment is due once a child is under our care. :) It is usually around $8000 to complete the adoption placement.<br />
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That's it...three easy steps! (Ha!)Candacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05378265950926351204noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3661468157369328540.post-86750659675144676492014-03-18T21:16:00.000-07:002014-03-18T21:16:23.478-07:00The Surprise InterviewToday, after a very long five hours of proctoring the CAHSEE (not the most exciting way to spend a morning), Robby and I rushed off to Fresno for our first official adoption meeting. You may remember me mentioning that two weeks ago we were part of an online orientation meeting, all experienced from the comfort of our couch. Today was much different: it was just me, Robby, and two women from Bethany Christian Services, one of which (we hope, anyway, if all goes well this week!) will be our social worker.<div>
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We sat in a small room, the four of us gathered around a table. After some initial greeting, they jumped right in to the questions in front of them. I could sense Robby thinking exactly what I was: <i>Wait a second...are they interviewing us?!?</i></div>
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Honestly, I had thought this would simply be another Q&A time for us, allowing us an opportunity to ask more questions. I thought we would get loaded up with literature to study and websites to visit and be sent on our way. Instead, they wanted to make sure that this is a good fit, on both sides.</div>
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Even though the interview was informal and casual, it nonetheless felt very <i>real</i>. They asked about our faith, what led us to adoption, our grief process, our marriage, our financial situation, our health, our jobs, our plans.</div>
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The amazing thing is that Robby and I, although we didn't realize this would be an interview, were able to answer the questions just as I would have hoped. We were prepared because God has been preparing us! We were honest with our excitement, as well as our past grief.</div>
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It's interesting to compare this meeting with the orientation we had with BCS in January of 2012. That night, I could hardly hold back my tears. All I knew was that I wasn't ready. Today I felt strong, healed, ready.</div>
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This week, we will hear back from BCS, letting us know if we'll be continuing the assessment with them. If so, then the next 90 days will be busy!</div>
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I'll share more soon, but for now, I need to sleep. It's been a long day!</div>
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Candacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05378265950926351204noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3661468157369328540.post-14125675348975460112014-03-05T20:04:00.000-08:002014-03-05T20:04:13.266-08:00I lift my eyes up...I feel like I've experienced a year's of emotions over the past week, especially the first few days after the adoption orientation. I forget, somehow, that every single time we take a step forward, especially if it's moving into something different or challenging (and it always is), all the emotions of our infertility wash over me. Looking back over the past week, I can distinctly see myself going through a cycle of grief. A condensed, intense cycle of grief.<br />
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Many times, I tried to write, but I couldn't. And, in this case, that was a good thing. I needed to allow myself to feel what I needed to feel without any filters. I needed to say things aloud that I could never say to anyone else, and not worry about making excuses when I said them.<br />
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This is the truth, friends. I am broken. Both of us are. God is healing, we know that full well, but we are daily impacted by our infertility, our failed treatments, our embryos that never came to be.<br />
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Because I feel so broken, adoption is especially difficult. And finally this week, something clicked. I realized that I've had in my head this picture of the two types of couples who adopt. These pictures aren't true or right; they simply are what I've built in my mind for some time.<br />
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Couple A: This couple is whole. They have, from the beginning or close to it, chosen adoption. Their journey to have children is characterized by joy and love. Their bodies work as they should, so their resources have been spent well. Out of their wholeness, they are able to give without needing anything in return.<br />
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Couple B: This couple is broken, often by infertility. They did not choose adoption from the beginning. Their journey to have children has been characterized by tears and disappointment. They have spent so much on fixing themselves only to end up seemingly worse. Now, as they begin something new, they move ahead having experienced deep loss, and they recognize they have a need.<br />
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Of course, in this whole scenario, we are Couple B. We come to adoption later in life and in our marriage, after our attempts to have children biologically have failed. We wish we were whole, wish somehow that our past experiences wouldn't impact who we are, but that's not the case. We come offering, yes, offering our hearts and home and love and entire lives. But we also come <i>needing</i>. And that's hard to admit, especially when we walk into something that is supposed to be child-centered and not couple-centered.<br />
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It was freeing once I realized this picture in my head! I have been paralyzed by fear and insecurity in all of this because I struggle with feelings of inadequacy. I keep comparing myself to model Couple A. (And I'm pretty sure they don't exist since all couples come with some brokenness.) I want to come to an adoption and say, <i>I'm perfect! I'm whole! All my wounds are healed and my brokenness fixed! I don't need anything or anyone; I'm simply here to give!</i><br />
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But I can't. Oh I am being made whole and I am being healed. But I come needing so many things and so many people. I need grace and love. I need support. I need my husband. I need my God.<br />
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And I need a mother who out of a fierce, desperate love for her child will trust that we will love her baby just as much as she. I need someone else to provide for me and my husband what we cannot have on our own. If that isn't the definition of need, I don't know what is.<br />
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It was a tough week, friends. I felt like I was seeing myself as I never have before. I've always thought of myself as confident and secure, able to do anything I put my mind to! And yet, this week, I had to face the difficult truth that I am full of fears and insecurities. I feel inadequate and vulnerable, and I don't like it one bit.<br />
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It was as if God was giving me a glimpse of where I am so He could move me. But I didn't know what to do next! I didn't know <i>how</i> I was going to deal with this new recognition.<br />
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And then Monday came. For the last six weeks, the women in our church have been studying Deuteronomy, working through Beth Moore's Law of Love series. Monday was our last lesson, and somehow every point seemed to answer the questions I've had over the last week. Tears were streaming down my cheek the entire time because I knew God was speaking to me.<br />
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We looked at the concluding words of Moses to the Israelites and focused on verse 27 of chapter 33: "There is none like the God of Jeshurun, who rides through the heavens <i>to your help</i>." Of all that Beth could have focused on, she spent much of the hour reminding us that we have a God who helps us.<br />
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It's interesting to consider the ramifications of this specific word, <i>help</i>. <i>Help</i> doesn't mean someone does it for us. <i>Help</i> means someone comes alongside of us and enables us, sometimes even empowers us. This is true of God! He is the Almighty, and so he certainly could simply make things happen and do the difficult thing for us. (I'll admit I've prayed that He'd just drop a baby in a basket on my doorstep!) Instead, He says He'll help us. He'll ride through the heavens <i>to our aid</i>. He'll give us everything we need to have the victory.<br />
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My question had been, "God, how can I possibly do this?" And His answer was simple: "I'll help you."<br />
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God will help me. <i>God</i> <i>will</i> <i>help</i> <i>me</i>. God–as in the God who created this entire universe, the God who is worthy of all glory and honor and praise, the God who with a word speaks life into existence–He will help me. He will help us. He'll ride through the heavens to our aid.<br />
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I wrote last week that God was going to move the mountain, and that is true. But He'll use us to do it. All we need is faith, even faith as small as a mustard seed.Candacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05378265950926351204noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3661468157369328540.post-73429550498100668202014-02-26T17:32:00.000-08:002014-02-26T17:32:18.588-08:00Our Adoption Orientation: Good, but not EasyYesterday evening, Robby and I joined with thirty-five other couples in our adoption orientation with Bethany Christian Services. Interestingly enough, we participated from the comfort of our own couch in our own home. Since the main office is housed in Modesto but serves much of Central and Northern California, they choose to have these orientations conference-call style, with us texting in our questions.<br />
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The entire orientation took about two hours. We've actually been in such an orientation before (except face-to-face), but since it was over two years ago, we wanted to sit in again. Some of the information was new, and some we knew well, but it was all good.<br />
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Of course, good information does not necessary equal easy-to-process-and-put-into-practice information. Some of what we heard was hard, friends. There is a waiting list even to get on the waiting list. Statistically speaking, adoptions have dramatically decreased, (which in many ways is a positive thing!), but the reality is there are more waiting families than there are babies. Some couples have been waiting for years and are still waiting. Embryo adoption was mentioned, a door we've barely closed, which naturally had us curious again. Networking was brought up, which is a new (and somewhat intimidating!) idea to us. And the simple question of <i>Are you ready?</i> always causes us to pause for a moment. This is the reality: Adoption is no small endeavor emotionally, financially, mentally, or spiritually.<br />
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The truth is, when the orientation was over, I felt pretty defeated. And unfortunately, since the wounds of infertility aren't totally healed (and I wonder if they ever will be), I also felt heartbroken all over again.<br />
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Thankfully, I didn't stay defeated for long. (That, by the way, is how I know I'm coming along in my healing.) The evening ended good. It ended in prayer, in Scripture, in peace, and in joy!<br />
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It ended with us once again recognizing that it is God who moves mountains! God is preparing the way for us, as well as for the mother and baby we will one day know. (That thought is beyond anything I can attempt to fathom, friends!) It's not easy for us, being where we are, but it is good. I wonder if that is true of so many things in life.<br />
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We look forward to sharing more with you! And, as I say all the time, we thank you for praying and caring. :) And now, a pretty picture to leave you with, simply because budding trees mean hope to us. This is our gorgeous butterfly magnolia tree, which burst into bloom a week or so ago.<br />
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Candacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05378265950926351204noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3661468157369328540.post-71447834964385412962014-01-06T13:59:00.000-08:002014-01-06T13:59:05.988-08:00Signed UpToday we signed up for the informational meeting for domestic adoption at Bethany Christian Services. I'm nervous. Not so much about attending the meeting--that I'm looking forward to!--but because our file there makes us look like flaky, non-commital people.<br />
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Two years ago, we went to a meeting there and instantly knew we weren't ready. I remember sitting in the room and within minutes fighting back tears. Everything was difficult that night, and when we heard that BCS was supportive of open adoptions, that was it. Adoption was a new and foreign enough concept--throwing in birth parents and birth grandparents into the mix was more than I could handle.<br />
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Last year, we filled out a preliminary application (again, I think, since I'm pretty sure I had already filled one out...) and even talked to someone about starting up the process. It never really went anywhere, though. I had tried to sign us up for a meeting, but we couldn't make the two that were offered in the fall.<br />
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Last week I emailed saying we wanted to attend another meeting, then followed up with a call today.<br />
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Hopefully they have lots of grace for couples like us, couples who are navigating these emotions as best as they can.<br />
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At any rate, we're signed up! Wow, this is getting exciting!Candacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05378265950926351204noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3661468157369328540.post-68363942708798715312013-12-31T12:18:00.001-08:002013-12-31T12:20:45.120-08:00Saying Good-byeToday, this year will come to a close. I have mixed emotions about the end of one year and the beginning of another. On the one hand, I love a fresh start, a chance to begin again, an opportunity to make an impossible list of goals and resolutions and try to keep them past February! On the other hand, though, I hate change. At least, I hate the unsettled mysterious nature of change. I'd rather things stay the same, warm and cozy as they've always been.<br />
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This coming year will have a great deal of change, and I find myself, in these last moments of 2013, grieving what I must leave behind. There were tears this past week, the first tears in some time. I thought of all that we'd lost, all that we hoped would happen that didn't come to be.<br />
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The change that I speak of is good change. We are beginning our first steps toward adoption! We are opening our arms and hearts wide to this beautiful thing that God has planned for us.<br />
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But even the most wonderful changes in life can still mean saying good-bye to something else. And even if that <i>something else</i> had with it countless tears and heartbreaks, intertwined with it all was our deepest and most desperate hope. In many ways, I am ready for what lies ahead, ready for joy and laughter and surprise. But I don't feel ready to say good-bye. My heart made a place for what I thought we would have, and that empty space hurts right now.<br />
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I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted to see a positive sign on those sticks I've come to hate. I wanted to experience our baby's heartbeat, feel it kick and move, fall in love with it before ever holding it. I wanted healing, for me, for Robby, for our families and friends who have never stopped praying and hoping with us. I wanted to know what our child--half me and half him--would be like. Green eyes like his? Fair like me? Tall, like the both of us? Calm and selfless, or passionate and willful?<br />
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Am I crazy to have great hope for what is to come, yet lingering sorrow for what never came to be?<br />
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The truth is that at one point, there was no room for the hope of what was to come. Now there is. Yes, my heart made a place for what I thought we would have, and that emptiness hurts. But my heart has also grown, created a space for something I didn't even know I wanted. I don't know exactly how it works, saying good-bye to a dream while welcoming a new one. I don't know how tears of grief and joy can mingle together.<br />
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But I do know that Scripture is full of God's promises of something different, something unexpected, something better coming to those who trust Him. And that's something I can walk in with full confidence.Candacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05378265950926351204noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3661468157369328540.post-69686256280758112252013-12-17T06:00:00.000-08:002013-12-17T06:00:09.341-08:00Sunshine Award for my Favorite PersonLast week, I nominated eleven bloggers to receive a Sunshine Award, women who have been encouraging to me through their comments, prayers, and stories.<br />
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But there is someone I didn't mention who really deserves all the awards I could ever give, someone who is with me through it all, someone who brings light in my darkest days and my brightest days.<br />
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I'm talking about my sweetie, my honey, my best friend of a decade. So last week we cuddled up on the couch (yep, we still do that) and he told me his answers. Here they are, his words, my typing.<br />
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1. Do you prefer savory or sweet for breakfast?<br />
<i>I like both, savory and sweet. I like to have alternate bites of each.</i><br />
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2. What is a beauty product you simply cannot live without?<br />
<i>Old Spice Anti-Perspirant in Pure Sport</i><br />
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3. Complete the sentence: I wish I had more time for...<br />
<i>...my wife. Even though I spend lots of time with her, I always want more time. </i>(I promise those are his words. I'm a lucky girl.)<br />
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4. What is the last book you read?<br />
<i>Umm....</i>(We had to talk this one out. He's not much of a reader of novels.) <i>I read <u>gods at war</u> by Kyle Idleman. </i><br />
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5. Which do you prefer: a live or fake Christmas tree?<br />
<i>Fake - they're easier.</i><br />
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6. What is your favorite Christmas carol?<br />
<i>"O Holy Night"</i><br />
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7. If you could own a home anywhere, where would it be?<br />
<i>Laguna Beach. No wait. New York City.</i><br />
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8. Which do you like better: gold or silver?<br />
<i>Silver - our house is covered in it right now.</i><br />
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9. If you were a flower, what flower would you be?<br />
<i>Can I be a tree? </i>(Of course.)<i> An elm.</i><br />
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10. What is your favorite book of the Bible?<br />
<i>John</i><br />
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11. What is something you're holding to or remembering this Christmas season?<br />
<i>I'm thinking a lot about worship and remembering to worship God at Christmas. </i><br />
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Thanks Robby for indulging me ;) And I hope you all enjoyed a glimpse into the mind of my DH. Here's a recent picture of us at Thanksgiving. Love him so!<br />
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Candacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05378265950926351204noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3661468157369328540.post-41001487771112966352013-12-10T16:28:00.002-08:002013-12-10T16:55:59.621-08:00Sunshine Award! For me?!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This is so sweet! Kailey, who blogs at <a href="http://cheerstoplana.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">Cheers to Plan A</a>, nominated me for this Sunshine Award! I'm a little late getting out my responses, but here they are anyway!<br />
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<i>1. What is the best vacation you’ve ever been on?</i><br />
My husband and I have gotten to go to New York three times together, and it is hands down our favorite place to be! We were there two years ago for our 7th wedding anniversary, and it was the best.<br />
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<i>2. What is your favorite Bible verse/quote?</i><br />
So many! I've always held 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 close to my heart, which ends with, "For we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal." I also love the book of Ruth and read it often - such an inspiring story!<br />
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<i>3. Share two lessons that you’ve learned in your life.</i><br />
Lesson #1: God can open our hearts to anything, even something we never expected or wanted.<br />
Lesson #2: We need to allow ourselves to grieve as long as we want and however we want. Grief is good - it leads us to God who is the only one who can heal.<br />
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<i>4. What is your profession? Do you love it?</i><br />
I am a high school English teacher, and yes, I love it! I especially love what I am doing now, working as a part-time teacher in an independent study program. I get to have one-on-one time with students and help them achieve their goals. It's awesome.<br />
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<i>5. What is your favorite sport to watch?</i><br />
Not much of a sports watcher or player, I'm afraid, but I love when the Olympics comes around!<br />
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<i>6. What are your thoughts on leggings as pants?</i><br />
Used to hate 'em, now I love 'em. I just like the bum to be covered up with a long tunic or sweater. ;)<br />
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<i>7. If you could have a practical car and a fun car, what would they be?</i><br />
Oh man, I am so not a car person. My husband often says he wants the Mazda CX-7, so I'll go with that for a practical one, and as far as a fun car, anything new and convertible!<br />
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<i>8. If you had 1 million dollars, what would you do with it?</i><br />
That is way too much money for my brain to comprehend! I'd pay off debt, give to church, buy a beautiful beach house that everyone could enjoy, travel, and honestly give lots of it away. I love giving gifts - it would be a dream come true to be able to be crazy generous!<br />
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<i>9. If you could have breakfast with anyone in the world {dead or alive} who would it be?</i><br />
Jane Austen. I love her books, and I want to hash out <i>Pride and Prejudice</i> over a cup of tea with her.<br />
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<i>10. Do you play any instruments, if so, which one?</i><br />
I play the piano, and I also sing.<br />
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<i>11. Chocolate or vanilla?</i><br />
If it's cake or candy, then chocolate, as long as it's dark. But I will never ever pass up a vanilla custard or pudding.<br />
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That was fun! Thanks again Kailey for nominating me. Here are my eleven nominations. Each one of these women has been an encouragement to me, whether it's being a daily presence in my life, leaving a kind comment on a post, or reminding me that they're praying for me. Thank you, ladies!<br />
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<a href="http://www.debbiefeely.com/" target="_blank">Encouraging Words</a><br />
<a href="http://howsweetthisis.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">How Sweet This Is</a><br />
<a href="http://sweettooth82.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">The Wilson Adventure</a><br />
<a href="http://bellehavendrive.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">Belle Haven Drive</a><br />
<a href="http://in-due-time.com/" target="_blank">In-Due-Time</a><br />
<a href="http://thisblissfuljourney.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Eternally Hopeful</a><br />
<a href="http://thesalskyfamily.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">The Salsky Update</a><br />
<a href="http://www.sariohill.com/" target="_blank">Sario Hill</a><br />
<a href="http://fromringtoreception.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">From Ring to Reception</a><br />
<a href="http://degrassiefamily.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">DeGrassie Family</a> (private blog)<br />
<a href="http://marisaloper.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Renewing My Mind</a> (private blog)<br />
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Now for your questions. Answer them in a blog post, add the image to your post, and then nominate eleven bloggers who deserve this award! (You can answer the questions even if you can't come up with eleven new bloggers! That can be hard for some.)<br />
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1. Do you prefer savory or sweet for breakfast?<br />
2. What is a beauty product you simply cannot live without?<br />
3. Complete the sentence: <i>I wish I had more time for...</i><br />
4. What is the last book you read?<br />
5. Which do you prefer: a live or fake Christmas tree?<br />
6. What is your favorite Christmas carol?<br />
7. If you could own a home anywhere, where would it be?<br />
8. Which do you like better: gold or silver?<br />
9. If you were a flower, what flower would you be?<br />
10. What is your favorite book of the Bible?<br />
11. What is something you're holding to or remembering this Christmas season?<br />
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Once your posts are up, share the link in the comments! Looking forward to reading, friends!Candacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05378265950926351204noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3661468157369328540.post-45919002181885165812013-11-05T06:00:00.000-08:002013-11-05T06:00:12.328-08:00NovemberEvery now and then, I like to stop and consider what the last year has brought us. What did we learn? How did we grow? What was difficult, and what was wonderful?<br />
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At this point last November, we had just begun our steps toward IVF. I had found out about my <a href="http://theloveliestway.blogspot.com/2012/11/new-bad-news.html" target="_blank">Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR)</a>––which was extremely disappointing––but had chosen to move ahead with IVF anyway, hoping for the best. We had our entire church family <a href="http://theloveliestway.blogspot.com/2012/11/a-concert-of-prayer.html" target="_blank">pray for us</a> and experienced an incredible amount of love and support as we prepared for our IVF. In the late winter and early spring, we were geared for our IVF...only to have it <a href="http://theloveliestway.blogspot.com/2013/03/ivf-demoted.html" target="_blank">demoted to an IUI </a>because of my lack of response. We tried again, upping all the medication, and were thrilled to be able to have <a href="http://theloveliestway.blogspot.com/2013/04/two-are-waiting.html" target="_blank">two embryos</a> make it! We loved them. (Still do.) On April 21, those two tiny embryos were transferred. We had an amazing two weeks where we allowed ourselves to be full of gratitude and joy for our embryos and the gift God had given us. Of course, our hearts were crushed on May 3rd when we learned we were not pregnant. As we crumbled to pieces, all of our friends and family gathered around us to help pick us up.<br />
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In June, we celebrated eight years of marriage together with a fantastic week at the Central Coast, and the rest of our summer was one sweet moment after another! Throughout those months and until now we have continued to heal, grieve, laugh, cry, rejoice, question, accept, listen, and hope.<br />
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Yes, so much hope. Hope that God heals, that He moves, that He cares. Hope that God can take our broken hearts and not only mend them but open them wide to something new and different He has in store for us.<br />
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A year can bring so much, can't it?Candacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05378265950926351204noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3661468157369328540.post-90312563750448918722013-09-09T09:45:00.000-07:002013-11-04T18:24:06.821-08:00The Story of our Hearts<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-XKnSF3OlVwM/Ui34vJ7jHkI/AAAAAAAAHb4/msceFr0rvKg/s1600/hearts.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-XKnSF3OlVwM/Ui34vJ7jHkI/AAAAAAAAHb4/msceFr0rvKg/s400/hearts.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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During the waiting period, while we hoped that our IVF had been successful and our embryos implanted, the image of two hearts became very meaningful to us. I recognized how quickly these embryos–nothing in the eyes of many–had captured us, had become a piece of us in ways I didn't expect. Insignificant as they were, they had taken hold of our hearts!</div>
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When we found out we were not pregnant and our embryos didn't survive, we were broken. I know not everyone can understand this, but we truly loved them, as much as we knew how. For two weeks, we had dreamed of a life with them, desperate for them to live so we could hold them and know them. When the bloodwork came confirming the negative result, the reality that they were gone, just like that, there and then gone, nothing to do to fix it, nothing to do to give them another chance with us, no way to go back and try it again, it all crushed us.</div>
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They are all we have ever had. Two tiny embryos less than two weeks old (perhaps only a couple of days old) are all we have ever had.</div>
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And so, we love them. We still love them. And we love thinking about them and those sweet days we had. As soon as they were gone, we knew we wanted a tangible way to remember them. I had an image of two heart-shaped stones that I wanted under our favorite elm tree. We began the search...and found nothing. </div>
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And then a week later, two wonderful friends sent us on a trip to Yosemite. It was such a special time for us, filled with lots of healing tears, a few days to be free with our brokenness. There, at a final last stop, we found the perfect heart stones, the sweet memorial we were hoping to have. </div>
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We returned home, and the next day was Mother's Day. That morning, Robby gave me a precious heart necklace, which he had ordered the day before our test result. I wear it nearly everyday. That same afternoon, his parents gave us a small smooth stone. One side has two tiny hearts carved, and the other side has the date they came alive. This sits on our dresser in our bedroom.</div>
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These three pieces are incredibly special to us. For us, our grieving process needed such memorials to recognize the importance of our embryos and their significance to us. They may have been the teeniest tiniest things ever, but they were, and still are, deeply loved.</div>
Candacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05378265950926351204noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3661468157369328540.post-5862881146361488412013-08-26T09:27:00.001-07:002013-08-26T09:27:43.734-07:00All Eyes on the Infertile: Sarah's LaughterAs I have dealt with infertility, the stories in Scripture about barren women have become especially dear to my heart. I wonder what these heartbroken women would have thought had they known that their lives would encourage women like me thousands of years later? Oh how critical their stories and the stories of their children are to God's redemption plan! It was as if God wanted all eyes to be on them so all could see that He was doing something huge.<br />
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Sarah is the first woman we see in Scripture who is barren, and is she ever the epitome of desperation. Years before, God had called Abraham and promised him that he would be made into a great nation. Sounds like an amazing promise, but the problem was that Abraham and Sarah couldn't have children. Out of her despair, Sarah finally gives her maidservant to her husband so she may have a child. It's crazy and a bit disturbing, but this is a desperate woman here, willing to do anything to have her baby. Of course, this fixes nothing and only results in more problems.</div>
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More time goes by, more heartbreaking days and nights, and finally God gives the sure promise that she would bear a child. Her response? Disbelief and laughter! And I get it! She's an old, worn, exhausted ninety-year-old woman! But she does indeed bear a son, Isaac. I smile every time I read her words after she has her son: "God has brought me laughter," she says. I think about the utter joy she must have had holding her baby for the first time. I mean, could she have even gotten through a single day without breaking down in grateful tears? I doubt it.</div>
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The thing is, even though God blessed Sarah and others with their babies eventually, it was never an easy path. There were real tears and real cries, genuine frustration and genuine desperation. And more often than not, it took many, many years for their hopes to become reality. As readers today, we may see it all resolved in a matter of chapters, but those of us in the land of barrenness know that those chapters can feel endless. Those women––just like many of us––had no clue that there would ever be a resolution. We may get to begin the story knowing the final picture of Sarah laughing out of joy, but she didn't have that luxury.<br />
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She couldn't see her laughter, and neither can I see mine. I wish I could. I wish I could flip forward a few chapters, to the page with the photograph I desperately desire, to the picture of me joyously laughing.<br />
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But I don't get that picture. None of us does. But God does give me countless other images to hold on to and carry with me. He gives me the picture of the shepherd who leaves the others to find the one wandering sheep; the Father who runs unashamedly to welcome His lost child; the Savior who willingly dies for a people who have rejected Him. He gives me the image of the slain Lamb, the risen and glorified King, the extravagant banquet table, and the never-ending River of Life.<br />
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And He gives me the image of Sarah's laughter. She may not have known that ending before the time came, but I do. I get to read her story, knowing that although some days were dark and desperate, light would come. Tears of sorrow and laughter of disbelief would turn to tears and laughter of joy and faith.<br />
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So today, I'm smiling at that picture of Sarah, knowing that the same God who worked mightily in her life cares for me, too. </div>
Candacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05378265950926351204noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3661468157369328540.post-32118981634298126852013-07-18T12:30:00.002-07:002013-07-18T12:30:32.531-07:00Breathe In, Breathe Out<div>
I remember being a kid and having days when every second was spent swimming in my nan's pool. From the moment we were awake until it was time to come in for the evening, we would be outside soaking up the sun and water. And being a kid at the pool is so different than being an adult at the pool, isn't it? The whole time you're jumping in, climbing out, playing games, doing tricks. Quite a contrast from me with my chair and magazine now ;)</div>
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Not only do I remember the day spent in the water, but I remember what it felt like at night. My lungs would feel strangely stretched out and tired from holding my breath all day. There'd be a slight burn at the back of my throat from all the chlorine. And the exhaustion would be deep, all the way to my bones. Even though the day had been exhilarating, I couldn't have spent another moment in the water had I wanted to. I needed rest.</div>
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That's the best way I can explain how I feel right now, that night-time exhaustion that comes with a water-logged, sun-burned day at the pool. I feel like I've been holding my breath, and my lungs ache. It's not that the last year has been miserable. Even with our failed IVF and all the pain that accompanied that, I still have had a good, joyful year. But everything in me feels a bit worn, and it's time to catch my breath.</div>
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And so, we've decided to do just that. In the midst of talking about adoption and embryos and eggs and plans and everything else, we've realized we need to give ourselves a break. We need time to take big, deep breaths, in and out, again and again. We need to let go of the stress of taking the "next step" and allow God to fill our lungs today.</div>
Candacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05378265950926351204noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3661468157369328540.post-80950624271539348122013-07-03T11:24:00.000-07:002013-07-03T11:24:33.896-07:00Two months and thoughts on lamentToday marks two months since the sad day we found out our little embryos were no longer with us on this earth. In many ways, life has moved on and we are back to "normal." I'm out of school for the summer, and our busy summer schedule is in full swing. We've had a number of sweet celebrations and a fantastic getaway, and we are looking forward to more. But in other ways, the loss feels fresh. The tears are right there, right behind a very thin layer of keeping-it-together. When I'm alone or when I'm in a place where tears are acceptable, they come. (Actually, they can come even when tears are not acceptable! Walking by the Target baby aisle can be downright cruel at times!)<br />
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Whenever we are in the midst of healing from a loss, we hear people remind us to be thankful. I appreciate that, but I'm learning something important for my own healing: Lament and thankfulness don't have to be mutually exclusive. We can be thankful for the blessings we have while still pouring out our tears to our God. We can recognize the wholeness around us while mourning the brokenness inside us.<br />
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Certainly having a heart full of gratitude reminds me of God's goodness and presence. But then again, lament and doubt do not necessarily go hand-in-hand. Psalms is full of lament, written by faithful believing followers of Yahweh. When we cry out to God, when we lay before Him our brokenness and fallenness, we are doing exactly what He wants us to do: We are recognizing our desperate need for Him. And in that place of vulnerability, our hearts will worship. Our hearts will cry out in thanks for His precious presence!<br />
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I know what the fear is, though. We fear we will never move on. We fear that if we don't start pulling it together, we'll remain a heaping mess of heartache. And who wants that, right?<br />
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But this is a fear that we may overcome with God's promises. We lament and cry out because we have a God who hears and who understands! God heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds (Ps 147:3), is close to them and saves them (Ps 34:18), bears their burdens (68:19, Mt 11:30), comforts them (Is 66:13), and one day will wipe every tear from their eye (Rev 21:4). Christ is the Word in flesh, Immanuel, God with us, and he says, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" (Mt 5:4).<br />
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I praise God for His healing, for the mending that has already taken place. And I praise God for the tears through which I see my desperate need for Him. </div>
Candacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05378265950926351204noreply@blogger.com14