Besides the fact that it's unsettling not to have insurance right now, getting that letter made everything feel a bit too real and a way too big. It may not have seemed like it on my blog, but I truly have tried to keep my infertility in perspective. The fact that it is an issue big enough to keep two healthy people from having medical coverage has nearly crumbled me. I feel completely helpless, and, if I'm honest, pretty hopeless, as well. This whole past year of treatments and doctor's visits has been a waste, and now it has only caused more problems than when we began.
I know what I'm supposed to believe right now. I know that God can do a miracle and heal me, that God can make the insurance problems work out, that God can fix this whole mess in an instant. But I also know that God allows us to go through things to make us stronger, finer, more like Him. That's what is hard right now, believing that God has my best in mind, and believing that it is better for me to have a healed heart than a "healed" situation. How I wish I could have both at the same time!
One thing is for sure: I'm desperate for God's strength and provision. I absolutely cannot do this day, let alone this entire thing, alone. And I guess that is a good place to be.