Painful Rejection

It has not been easy this past week. We found out we were denied the insurance coverage that we had applied for, which was quite a blow, but it was even worse when we finally received the letter explaining why we were rejected. It all came down to me marking a little box that said I had received treatments for infertility. Now, I may not have made it clear before, but our insurance covered none of my doctor's visits, treatments, ultrasounds, etc. that were in any way connected to infertility. Most insurance providers don't. Plus, I had to mark about eight boxes that said (in multiple ways) that I am not pregnant. So, needless to say, I'm frustrated, annoyed, and downright depressed about all of this.

Besides the fact that it's unsettling not to have insurance right now, getting that letter made everything feel a bit too real and a way too big. It may not have seemed like it on my blog, but I truly have tried to keep my infertility in perspective. The fact that it is an issue big enough to keep two healthy people from having medical coverage has nearly crumbled me. I feel completely helpless, and, if I'm honest, pretty hopeless, as well. This whole past year of treatments and doctor's visits has been a waste, and now it has only caused more problems than when we began.

I know what I'm supposed to believe right now. I know that God can do a miracle and heal me, that God can make the insurance problems work out, that God can fix this whole mess in an instant. But I also know that God allows us to go through things to make us stronger, finer, more like Him. That's what is hard right now, believing that God has my best in mind, and believing that it is better for me to have a healed heart than a "healed" situation. How I wish I could have both at the same time!

One thing is for sure: I'm desperate for God's strength and provision. I absolutely cannot do this day, let alone this entire thing, alone. And I guess that is a good place to be.