There are two very strong emotions taking hold in my life right now. On the one hand, I am happy. I have been out of school for nearly a month, and my life just feels fuller, calmer, easier. I have been enjoying time with my husband, my entire family, and my friends. Robby and I have done some big things already, such as our anniversary trip to New York, but we also love the little moments we have, like coffee in the morning and planting new things in our yard. I have had time to be creative and use the talents God has given me, and this has been awesome. There are plenty of moments in my day when I think, This is perfect.
On the other hand, though, there is a hole in our lives. We want to have a baby and to have a family. We want to have more than just the two of us in our house. Each month, the disappointment is so overwhelming that it hurts and it seems to mask any good thing taking place. So while I am extremely joyful and content, I also recognize an emptiness in my heart, a longing to have that hole filled.
I realize that we often have seemingly contradicting emotions in our life. We want to work and have rest. We want companionship but also alone time. We want things to stay the same but also to keep moving. These opposite desires are part of life, so I guess that's what I'm feeling right now. But sometimes it's just plain confusing. I don't know how to deal with these two emotions at the same time.
So, I deal with them as best as I can. I praise God for the rest he has given me, the joy I have with my husband, the blessings He has granted us through family and friends. And I go to God with my disappointment, my sorrow, and my confusion.