Monday, December 20, 2010

Round Two

We are now at the point where my friends (whom I love, might I add) are in round two of their pregnancies. Many strange emotions go on when I hear news of pregnancies. I do feel joy -- an authentic joy, not one completely stirred up to feign an appropriate response. But there always is a pang of disappointment in my own heart. It's hard enough to watch couples enjoy their first child, but to see them--with again, seemingly no difficulty--become pregnant and have additional children only draws a sharper contrast between them and me.

I'm aware that I feel this pain deeper during the holiday season. Robby and I will be celebrating our sixth married Christmas together, and I confess that I thought our family would look a bit different by now. It was strange sending out another Christmas card that had a photo of just Robby and me. Most of the time, I can think: Next year, it'll be different. Enjoy this year with Robby. But then that other thought comes in: But what if it's not.

The surgery we have scheduled for January brings with it high hopes for us. But I'd be lying if I said the "what if it's not" thought doesn't come into my head everyday. What if it's not the problem? What if it's not enough?

As I type this, I think of Paul, who prayed to God for something but did not get exactly what he wanted. Yet God said this: My grace is sufficient. It does all come down to God's grace: God's grace to allow us to have a baby, God's grace to hold us through our infertility, God's grace to provide when we feel we will crumble, God's grace to give us exactly what we need.

God, I need your grace today.

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