Thursday, March 18, 2010

Meltdown City

Since I last wrote, things have taken a turn for the worse over here. Now, most people wouldn't know. I still do my job, attend church, and overall keep a smile on my face. However, the truth is, this has been one of the hardest weeks I've had in a long time. I guess I wasn't really prepared for the fall after my negative test last week. I was being honest when I said I was at peace with it. Truly I was! But when Wednesday and Thursday rolled around, and the cysts left over from the Clomid were causing me excrutiating pain again, and about 800 pregnant women were shopping at Target when I was, I started to crumble. By Thursday night, I was a bit of a mess. After a good long cry, I felt better, but it seemed that during the week to follow, I found myself just a thought away from tears again.

There is just a disconnect between what I believe and how I feel. I believe with all of my heart that God loves me, has a plan for me, wants to give me the desires of my heart. I believe that God grants rest and peace to all who ask Him. I believe that all things have their purpose. But I feel sad, disappointed, afraid, even angry at times.

I have found great comfort in God's word lately because it is full of people who believe true things about God but have obvious sorrows, disappointments, and fears. They are the poster-children for the truth we know, that it is in our weakness that God's strength is revealed.

I believe this to be true. Now if only my crazy emotions would just jump on the bandwagon and believe it, too.

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