Thursday, August 26, 2010
Better
I thought I should share that I am better. I am not so down and pouty like I was yesterday, so that's good. I am going to admit to you, though, that I still am not excited. I was talking with Robby about this last night and decided that although I firmly believe God is going to give us a child, this idea of a child is part of a far off future. I have no problem with saying that someday, God will grant us this; it's much more difficult to think that this time could actually be the time. And so, to get excited and worked up about it is difficult for me right now. I feel as if it's like buying a lottery ticket and getting truly excited about winning even though the chances are slim. I'm not saying these ideas are good. In fact, I'm recognizing quite the opposite. I don't want to have a "far off future" trust in God; I want to have a here and now trust in God. That is my prayer today.
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The roller coaster of emotions gets hard. We pull back to protect ourselves from more grief. I have read a couple of books in the past year that talk about leaning into and embracing the pain, rather than pulling back. I am trying that, but it hasn't been long enough to know the outcome, only that it is hard and has to be a continuing choice.
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