One of the hardest things about my infertility has been knowing the "correct" way to respond, both in emotion and action. Recently, I was explaining this to Kelly, who was kind enough to listen...and listen some more...and then give me a true insight. She reminded me that the things we go through are things God has given us. He gives each of us specific things to teach us, grow us, and, as she put it, heal us. I think I have been expecting for God to lay out some plan for my life now, some new grand action I'm supposed to take. My thoughts have gone everywhere from pursuing another degree to adoption to foster care to full-time ministry. I guess I just assumed that God's reason for not giving me a child must mean that there is something big I need to do. My conversation with Kelly reminded me that my grand action may be simply to listen and walk in this, to accept that God is using this to heal my soul, to allow him to work in the deepest parts of my heart that I don't often like to venture into.
This may seem simple, even obvious, but for me it has been incredibly freeing. I am free to sit before Him and cry. I am free to tell him that this hurts and that I don't understand. And I am free to trust Him. That's it. I don't have to do anything beyond this. I can accept what he has given me and, more importantly, accept the healing change in my heart that comes from listening to and hoping in Him.
“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” – Romans 5:1-5