Wednesday, September 22, 2010

A puzzle

There are many thoughts rattling around in my mind, and I can't seem to piece them together to make one coherent idea. A few things have contributed to this:

1. Two weeks ago at Elevate, the message was on Luke 1, the story of Zechariah and Elizabeth and God's promise to them to have a son, whom we know is John. I love that passage and even wrote a post about it earlier in the year. I can hardly hear it or read it without crying because I think of their desperate plea for a child, and God's gracious response to them, a response that was nothing they would have ever expected. I know God wanted me to hear that message and be reminded of His faithfulness and goodness. But something else stood out to me: the pastor talked about letting our dreams and plans go so that we may be part of God's plan. He said that God's plan will happen regardless of our decision, but we may choose to be part of what He is doing and let go of what we think our life should look like. That was hard to hear, mostly because I'm not sure how it applies to me. How do I let go of my "plan" to have a baby without letting go of my desire? How do I pursue what God wants of me right now without putting aside my "pursuit" to fix my infertility?

2. This past weekend I attend a simulcast of Beth Moore. The topic was the "law of kindness" and based on Proverbs 31:26. It was a fantastic day, convicting and encouraging at the same time. She provided us of eight "tastes" of what the law of kindness looks like, what it is and what it isn't. There were two main points that grabbed me. First, kindness is not an action, it's a disposition. Kindness isn't about doing something "nice" for someone; kindness is part of our character because kindness is part of God's character. That brings me to the second point: our kindness (unlike God's) wears down when we do. We must continually be in communion with God to become a truly kind person. If we aren't, and if we begin to try to be kind all on our own, we will fail. We will begin to wear down, and our kindness will, as well. This is where we see all sorts of nasty things come out of us: anger, hatred, bitterness, resentment.

This is when I began to cringe. My struggle with infertility has worn me down more than anything over the past couple of years, and specifically over the past year. I find it the hardest to be kind toward someone who has not had to struggle or who is (as I perceive) insensitive toward me. I would be a liar if I said that the only emotion I have felt is sadness. I have felt anger, resentment, and bitterness. There are not many things in my life that have brought up this response in me, but this struggle has.

Part of me is grateful, then. I would not have known that those dark things lie in my soul if I did not have this struggle. God has used this to bring up this dirt and muck, and He is cleansing me. It is not easy, but I'm grateful for it. The other part of me, though, would rather those had stayed hidden. I just feel like I can't overcome them, and I feel defeated even before I begin.

3. Kelly gave me a book a while back called the Path to Sanity. I'm not very far into it, but already God is using it to speak to me. I'm not ready to go into much detail yet, but the main thing so far is I am recognizing that my soul is sick and needs a Healer, and for me, the sickness is most clearly seen with how I view God (and myself) in light of this struggle. In that sense, the book has been wonderful; however, every time I put it down, I feel exhausted and confused. I don't know if it's because there are a lot of new concepts in the book, or if there is a serious struggle going on inside of me. Either way, that too has contributed to where I am right now.

4. I have been officially a stay-at-homer for about a month and a half now, and I'm afraid this wasn't the fix-all I thought it would be! It has been great. I absolutely love being home. But I still have the problems I had last year, just maybe with a little more sleep and rest to go along with them. I still feel frustrated, I still feel loneliness, I still feel sadness, I still want to see our life complete with a family. And more than ever, I am concerned about my life, and specifically its future.

So, that's where I am, with about another 100 thoughts to go with these. It actually was quite helpful to try to write this out, even if I know I can't perfectly convey what's going on inside of me.

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