One step closer

If we have learned anything from dealing with infertility, it is flexibility. How many times have we planned or expected something, only to arrive to our appointment and get thrown a curve ball? This morning, we went to our appointment hoping to get a clear yea or nay in regards to continuing with IVF. That wasn't the case at all. We're still in that waiting room phase.

At our last IVF attempt, I had four follicles, but two of them were too small to count, so really, I had two. One of them was significantly larger than the other, which sounds good but likely means that one will mature and release an egg before the other one can do so. This time, I had five follicles, two dinky ones and three decent ones. The three are all around the same size, which means we hope they will grow at about the same rate and all be ready together. The two tiny ones have potential--with these meds, they just may get the boost they need to mature.

This all sounds like progress, and indeed it is. The problem is that this is still less than what is needed to move ahead with IVF. When we last talked with the doctor, he said ten good follicles is the best worse case scenario, if that makes sense. When we pressed him further, he thought five good follicles could be possible. That would mean that four are retrieved successfully, and out of those four, two could be fertilized. (This is all based on statistics, of course - 80% and 80%). At that point, the chances of implantation are about the same as with any pregnancy. 

Right now, I am not at that minimum minimum. It is likely that we are looking at three getting to the point of releasing an egg. Today I inject myself with super doses of the medication, and we hope and pray that each one of those tiny eggs grows. Tomorrow, I will have a blood test and ultrasound to see the progress. If there are five, then the next step is easy--IVF! If not, then we have to make one more hard decision. Do we push for an IVF, knowing our chances are minuscule but chances nonetheless? Or do we recognize that we've done everything we could and try one more IUI before letting this all go?

This weight is heavy these days. Robby and I talked awhile last night, trying to sort through all the emotions we feel. The truth is we're exhausted--physically, mentally, and emotionally. Even spiritually, we feel empty, not because God is not near us but because we barely have the strength to pray or read. We're drawing on what is hidden in our hearts, thankful that God is present and faithful regardless of where we are, grateful that others love us enough to intercede for us. We reminded each other last night that even if we don't have words, the Holy Spirit does, and He is praying for us. If that doesn't bring hope and peace, what else can?

So we sit one more day in the waiting room. Thank you all for waiting with us and for being hopeful and positive even when we don't have the strength to be.