God is too good.

There have been a lot of new emotions and questions for me this weekend. I've said over and over to God that I don't understand, that it doesn't make sense, that this seems unnecessary, that I've had my share, that I can't handle this new grief. All along, I can't say I spent much time being angry with God or asking the "why us?" question, but I felt it and asked it this weekend.

And I realized that it comes down to this "problem" with God: He is too good. He has blessed us in countless ways, massive, beautiful, glorious blessings. He's given me the most wonderful husband, two precious families, sisters who are best friends, friends who are like sisters, success in our careers and ministries, a lovely home, financial stability, health, peace, salvation. He has given me more than I've ever deserved, and so of course, I kept hoping and trusting that He'd grant this. He's been so good, too good, that I wanted to scream this weekend! Why bless us as you have, and then not give us this pregnancy? Why overwhelm us with such grace and love, give us such a beautiful life, but leave this one thing out of it? 

Because, you see, God has been so good that I never really stopped believing that He'd heal me and we would have our child. And it made so much sense that He would use this IVF to do just that. It seemed that He was directing each step, healing along the way, paving the path for this to be successful. And when we saw our two tiny embryos and immediately loved them, I thought, surely God loves them too, and He will sustain them so they get to live on this earth with us. It didn't matter to me that our chances weren't great. I believed that God was going to display His glory because that's what He's always done.

My deep disappointment and pain aren't present because I follow a cruel God who leaves us to struggle all alone, but because I follow a good God who is gracious and loving. That's all He is, and all He's ever been.

I don't have a tidy way to wrap this all up. I'm a mess, but I'm holding to what I know is true as best as I can. God is good. But I'm still heartbroken. God is good. But I still wish I had them with me. God is good. But I'm still waiting.