After I wrote my post following our doctor's appointment last Monday, I was hit with the 24-hour Anxiety. Have you ever had this? Mine came on that night, kept me wide-eyed and sleepless until about 4 am, then stayed with me all the next day. My heart was racing, my body was panicky, my breath was short, and overall I was a mess. I think it was a case of information overload, but perhaps the bigger cause was realizing that we had thrown ourselves in the midst of a huge decision...and I hate making huge decisions. Honestly, who likes them?
That has been one of the key struggles for us, this whole having-to-decide-things-that-ultimately-scare-us-to-death struggle. It was hard to make that first decision to see my doctor, knowing it was a recognition that there was something wrong. It was hard to decide to do treatments, knowing the cost and side effects and emotional strain. It was hard to decide to have our first IUI, and then the following IUIs. Decisions about cost, treatments, careers, even adoption--we've made too many to count, and I haven't liked the process a single time!
I guess I shouldn't have been surprised that anxiety hit, then. It wasn't a simple decision of having or not having an IVF. It was recognizing all the in-between decisions that must be made, decisions that stretch our thinking and planning and beliefs more than any others have. It was realizing that if this all works, we have taken only one tiny step of the journey. And it was also realizing that after everything, there is a chance we may be left with nothing.
All that jam-packed into twenty-four hours was enough to knock me flat! Thankfully, Robby and I were able to have a good conversation that following night. (He had been feeing anxious about it all, as well.) We remembered that there is no rush. We have taken a tiny first step, and the steps that follow may be tiny, too. As much as we don't want to make these decisions--because as I've shared this is not the way we would have planned it--we know God has equipped, is equipping, and will equip us to do and decide what we need to do.
I have also remembered that sometimes, when you're in the midst of a struggle, every decision and emotion is amplified. It was helpful to take a step back and allow myself to see the decisions in front of me in their real form and size. It was helpful to remind myself that we are not the first to decide what to do about infertility, nor are we alone in this struggle.
A week has passed since that visit, and already we feel more confident and prepared. I'll take that any day over anxiety :)