In just a few hours, I have to have Monday's procedure, the saline sonogram, done all over again. I'm not looking forward to this, mostly because I'm afraid that whatever happened Monday might happen again.
Monday's appointment was terrible. It was hands down the worst medical experience I've ever had. It's difficult to accurately explain how awful it was without going into lots of personal details, but I'll just say what should have been a relatively simple twenty-minute procedure took an hour and a half. And it was an incredibly painful and uncomfortable hour and a half. All said and done, the doctor performed the entire procedure twice (after first trying unsuccessfully to do it with improper equipment) only to get up, turn the lights on, and tell me it didn't work. He gave me a physiological excuse which didn't really match up with my past experiences, said he was terribly sorry, and left. When I asked for more details about his reasoning, he said it could be something permanent, some type of scar tissue or blockage. Those kinds of things cannot be said to a woman desperately trying to have a baby.
I only made it about two steps outside of the building before I began sobbing, overwhelmed by the whole excruciating and emotional experience. I could barely get the words out to Robby to tell him it hadn't worked, and it took a few minutes before I could relay the information the doctor gave me.
A bad experience, to say the least, and one that I'd rather not relive in the slightest. So it's no surprise to me that I'm up.
I've found comfort in 2 Corinthians this week. This morning, I read the end of chapter 5. It says:
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come. Everything is from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation. (2 Cor 5:17-18)This passage, and specifically chapter 5, is about Christ's death bringing life for all. We have hope for today and for our future because of Christ. We are made brand new through Jesus, and we have been reconciled to the God who made us through Jesus' death and resurrection.
Sometimes we need to be reminded that we are a new creation in Christ. Sometimes, when it seems like our bodies just aren't working the way we'd like them to, we need to hear that God has placed inside us something that will never fade or dim or grow old. He's given us a new Spirit, His Spirit, our seal of salvation and our downpayment for the perfect and whole life to come. He's given us Himself and His very presence. It's true that our bodies and our flesh may fail us--Paul in this chapter writes of us groaning in this body, desiring for Heaven, longing for life to swallow up this mortality--but we have and are being saved, reconciled, and redeemed by God. Newness has already come! Salvation is already here!