Off to the hospital!

My fever is gone, and I'm feeling good. The strange thing is I have lost my voice, but I think that's just due to all the illness I've had the past couple of weeks. So, we'll be leaving here shortly, and when you hear back from me, hopefully it will be with good news of a successful surgery and miraculous recovery :)

Still fighting it!

I woke up this morning feeling very rested, but was quickly discouraged when I took my temperature and saw that I still had a low fever. The good news is as the day has gone on, it has dropped to almost my normal temperature, and I have stopped coughing finally. I have high hopes about it all!

Please keep praying that I will be well and that the whole recovery will go smoothly.

Pre-op News

Today I had my pre-op appointment in Clovis to prepare for my procedure on Wednesday. The appointment went well with one little complication. Yesterday afternoon I came down with a case of chills, aches, fever, and sore throat. (I know, right? Less than a week after recovering from whatever I had before this.) I feel a lot better today, but there is a chance that the surgery will be postponed if they feel my immune system is too weak for the recovery. I will hopefully know tomorrow since they took a blood test today. More waiting...

As for the appointment, it was nice getting some answers and a little more idea of what to expect...even though I heard, "Everyone is different - it's hard to tell" a number of times today. Basically, I'll check in at 10:30 and be prepped for surgery, which is to take place at 12:30. The surgery itself can take anywhere from 45 minutes to 2 hours depending on the severity of what they find. After that, there is a 2 hour recovery time, which could be lengthened up to 4 hours as needed. That depends on how well I recover from the anesthesia. Once again, "everyone is different" with their reaction to anesthesia; I'm hoping it won't make me too sick. As for how I'll feel afterward: what I continue to hear is I'll most likely feel really sore in my abdomen, and once again, the amount of pain I have just can't be predicted yet. Everyone has said to plan on doing nothing at least the first two days and then see how things go after that. My friend who has had this procedure done said the first five days were rough, and then the next week or so after that still included some soreness.

I have a post-op appointment scheduled for two weeks from Wednesday. At that point, they'll see how well I have recovered and we'll get to talk more in depth about what this means for us fertility-wise. I'm hoping also to get to speak to the doctor a bit on Wednesday.

As you pray for me, pray first of all that I am completely well for the surgery. I can't imagine having to cancel this and go through all the prep again. And of course, pray for the procedure on Wednesday and the results! It's amazing to think how close I might be to getting pregnant!

WedMD has a lot of information about the procedure itself, so if you're wondering what exactly will take place, check out this site.

Preparation

A week from today, I will be having my laparoscopy. Because of this, and because of the fact that for the last week I have been out of commission, I feel like the next six days are days of catch-up and preparation for me. It's not easy for me to do nothing for days at a time, so I need to be ready in case this thing has me laid up again.

My preparation doesn't only include cleaning and organizing and choosing movies I want to watch. I've also been mentally preparing myself, as much as I can. I'm scared about this, not only about physically having to be put under and have a surgery (that alone is terrifying!), but also about the outcome. I'm scared to hear what the doctor says, to see images of what I look like. I'm scared of what might be there, and even more so, what might not be there. There is a chance--though it is unlikely--that everything will look good and normal. I've had doctors tell me multiple times that "things look good"...and then I have another month of disappointment. What if this is another one of those situations?

And then there is the recovery. Not just the week that I might be sore, but the months that are to come, months of waiting and wondering and hoping. Just thinking about the possible disappointment makes me want to cry.

So, I'm not asking too much, am I? Six days to become completely physically, mentally, and emotionally prepared for all of that?

You see now why I need to focus on filing and organizing our office this week...that's something I can handle.

Round Two

We are now at the point where my friends (whom I love, might I add) are in round two of their pregnancies. Many strange emotions go on when I hear news of pregnancies. I do feel joy -- an authentic joy, not one completely stirred up to feign an appropriate response. But there always is a pang of disappointment in my own heart. It's hard enough to watch couples enjoy their first child, but to see them--with again, seemingly no difficulty--become pregnant and have additional children only draws a sharper contrast between them and me.

I'm aware that I feel this pain deeper during the holiday season. Robby and I will be celebrating our sixth married Christmas together, and I confess that I thought our family would look a bit different by now. It was strange sending out another Christmas card that had a photo of just Robby and me. Most of the time, I can think: Next year, it'll be different. Enjoy this year with Robby. But then that other thought comes in: But what if it's not.

The surgery we have scheduled for January brings with it high hopes for us. But I'd be lying if I said the "what if it's not" thought doesn't come into my head everyday. What if it's not the problem? What if it's not enough?

As I type this, I think of Paul, who prayed to God for something but did not get exactly what he wanted. Yet God said this: My grace is sufficient. It does all come down to God's grace: God's grace to allow us to have a baby, God's grace to hold us through our infertility, God's grace to provide when we feel we will crumble, God's grace to give us exactly what we need.

God, I need your grace today.

Surgery

My surgery has been scheduled for January 12th. Right now, our prayer is that, first, the surgery goes well (of course); second, that the cost of the surgery is as low as possible. The office gave me a quote, but it sounds like the insurance company may be contracted at a lower amount, which we're hoping for.

It's crazy to think that this is finally happening. I know that this isn't a for sure fix-it, but it definitely is exciting to know that this could be a step toward healing.

We're covered!

Our insurance coverage began yesterday, November 1st. Hooray! Poor Robby can finally get to the dentist, and I'll be able to have my surgery soon. We're hoping to have it done in January, so until then, it may be a bit quiet over here on my blog. Thanks for your continued prayers, thoughts, and concern.