This past week, I let my principal know that I wouldn't be returning to work at Green Acres next year. It was a huge decision for me, but not one that came without much prayer and thought. In fact, I have been praying for this for well over a year, asking God if Green Acres, and teaching in general, was where he wanted me to be. The thing is, I thought the decision would be easy for me. I thought (well, I hoped) that I would get pregnant, and the decision would be made. I never anticipated having to make this decision without having the...well...excuse of being pregnant. It's one thing to say I'm going to be a stay-at-home mom, but being a stay-at-home person doesn't quite go over as well.
When I realized that getting pregnant perhaps wasn't going to be my "out" for teaching, it became clear that I was going to have to make this decision and trust God. I knew that people wouldn't really understand. Why would someone who is doing well in her career and is not at the moment carrying a baby quit her job?! For many people, it just seems absurd. But for me, I know it's right. I know this is what God wants me to do.
The scary thing is, I don't have much of a plan. I have some ideas of things I'd like to do, but for the first time in a very very long time, I'm allowing God to lead me. And I'll be honest: this feels very foreign to me. But I think this is precisely what God wants me to do and feel right now. It may appear that my plan has failed, but I know God's plan is still perfectly on course.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
One thing
It has been three weeks since I last posted, but my absence from my blog has not come out of a lack of things of which to write, but a surplus. I have often sat down and tried to write something, only to find myself overwhelmed with where to begin. I decided today to just write one thing that has found its way into my heart and mind recently.
One of the hardest things about my infertility has been knowing the "correct" way to respond, both in emotion and action. Recently, I was explaining this to Kelly, who was kind enough to listen...and listen some more...and then give me a true insight. She reminded me that the things we go through are things God has given us. He gives each of us specific things to teach us, grow us, and, as she put it, heal us. I think I have been expecting for God to lay out some plan for my life now, some new grand action I'm supposed to take. My thoughts have gone everywhere from pursuing another degree to adoption to foster care to full-time ministry. I guess I just assumed that God's reason for not giving me a child must mean that there is something big I need to do. My conversation with Kelly reminded me that my grand action may be simply to listen and walk in this, to accept that God is using this to heal my soul, to allow him to work in the deepest parts of my heart that I don't often like to venture into.
This may seem simple, even obvious, but for me it has been incredibly freeing. I am free to sit before Him and cry. I am free to tell him that this hurts and that I don't understand. And I am free to trust Him. That's it. I don't have to do anything beyond this. I can accept what he has given me and, more importantly, accept the healing change in my heart that comes from listening to and hoping in Him.
“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” – Romans 5:1-5
One of the hardest things about my infertility has been knowing the "correct" way to respond, both in emotion and action. Recently, I was explaining this to Kelly, who was kind enough to listen...and listen some more...and then give me a true insight. She reminded me that the things we go through are things God has given us. He gives each of us specific things to teach us, grow us, and, as she put it, heal us. I think I have been expecting for God to lay out some plan for my life now, some new grand action I'm supposed to take. My thoughts have gone everywhere from pursuing another degree to adoption to foster care to full-time ministry. I guess I just assumed that God's reason for not giving me a child must mean that there is something big I need to do. My conversation with Kelly reminded me that my grand action may be simply to listen and walk in this, to accept that God is using this to heal my soul, to allow him to work in the deepest parts of my heart that I don't often like to venture into.
This may seem simple, even obvious, but for me it has been incredibly freeing. I am free to sit before Him and cry. I am free to tell him that this hurts and that I don't understand. And I am free to trust Him. That's it. I don't have to do anything beyond this. I can accept what he has given me and, more importantly, accept the healing change in my heart that comes from listening to and hoping in Him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” – Romans 5:1-5
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