Saying Good-bye

Today, this year will come to a close. I have mixed emotions about the end of one year and the beginning of another. On the one hand, I love a fresh start, a chance to begin again, an opportunity to make an impossible list of goals and resolutions and try to keep them past February! On the other hand, though, I hate change. At least, I hate the unsettled mysterious nature of change. I'd rather things stay the same, warm and cozy as they've always been.

This coming year will have a great deal of change, and I find myself, in these last moments of 2013, grieving what I must leave behind. There were tears this past week, the first tears in some time. I thought of all that we'd lost, all that we hoped would happen that didn't come to be.

The change that I speak of is good change. We are beginning our first steps toward adoption! We are opening our arms and hearts wide to this beautiful thing that God has planned for us.

But even the most wonderful changes in life can still mean saying good-bye to something else. And even if that something else had with it countless tears and heartbreaks, intertwined with it all was our deepest and most desperate hope. In many ways, I am ready for what lies ahead, ready for joy and laughter and surprise. But I don't feel ready to say good-bye. My heart made a place for what I thought we would have, and that empty space hurts right now.

I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted to see a positive sign on those sticks I've come to hate. I wanted to experience our baby's heartbeat, feel it kick and move, fall in love with it before ever holding it. I wanted healing, for me, for Robby, for our families and friends who have never stopped praying and hoping with us. I wanted to know what our child--half me and half him--would be like. Green eyes like his? Fair like me? Tall, like the both of us? Calm and selfless, or passionate and willful?

Am I crazy to have great hope for what is to come, yet lingering sorrow for what never came to be?

The truth is that at one point, there was no room for the hope of what was to come. Now there is. Yes, my heart made a place for what I thought we would have, and that emptiness hurts. But my heart has also grown, created a space for something I didn't even know I wanted. I don't know exactly how it works, saying good-bye to a dream while welcoming a new one. I don't know how tears of grief and joy can mingle together.

But I do know that Scripture is full of God's promises of something different, something unexpected, something better coming to those who trust Him. And that's something I can walk in with full confidence.

Sunshine Award for my Favorite Person

Last week, I nominated eleven bloggers to receive a Sunshine Award, women who have been encouraging to me through their comments, prayers, and stories.

But there is someone I didn't mention who really deserves all the awards I could ever give, someone who is with me through it all, someone who brings light in my darkest days and my brightest days.

I'm talking about my sweetie, my honey, my best friend of a decade. So last week we cuddled up on the couch (yep, we still do that) and he told me his answers. Here they are, his words, my typing.

1. Do you prefer savory or sweet for breakfast?
I like both, savory and sweet. I like to have alternate bites of each.

2. What is a beauty product you simply cannot live without?
Old Spice Anti-Perspirant in Pure Sport

3. Complete the sentence: I wish I had more time for...
...my wife. Even though I spend lots of time with her, I always want more time. (I promise those are his words. I'm a lucky girl.)

4. What is the last book you read?
Umm....(We had to talk this one out. He's not much of a reader of novels.) I read gods at war by Kyle Idleman. 

5. Which do you prefer: a live or fake Christmas tree?
Fake - they're easier.

6. What is your favorite Christmas carol?
"O Holy Night"

7. If you could own a home anywhere, where would it be?
Laguna Beach. No wait. New York City.

8. Which do you like better: gold or silver?
Silver - our house is covered in it right now.

9. If you were a flower, what flower would you be?
Can I be a tree? (Of course.) An elm.

10. What is your favorite book of the Bible?
John

11. What is something you're holding to or remembering this Christmas season?
I'm thinking a lot about worship and remembering to worship God at Christmas. 

Thanks Robby for indulging me ;) And I hope you all enjoyed a glimpse into the mind of my DH. Here's a recent picture of us at Thanksgiving. Love him so!

Sunshine Award! For me?!

This is so sweet! Kailey, who blogs at Cheers to Plan A, nominated me for this Sunshine Award! I'm a little late getting out my responses, but here they are anyway!

1. What is the best vacation you’ve ever been on?
My husband and I have gotten to go to New York three times together, and it is hands down our favorite place to be! We were there two years ago for our 7th wedding anniversary, and it was the best.

2. What is your favorite Bible verse/quote?
So many! I've always held 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 close to my heart, which ends with, "For we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal." I also love the book of Ruth and read it often - such an inspiring story!

3. Share two lessons that you’ve learned in your life.
Lesson #1: God can open our hearts to anything, even something we never expected or wanted.
Lesson #2: We need to allow ourselves to grieve as long as we want and however we want. Grief is good - it leads us to God who is the only one who can heal.

4. What is your profession? Do you love it?
I am a high school English teacher, and yes, I love it! I especially love what I am doing now, working as a part-time teacher in an independent study program. I get to have one-on-one time with students and help them achieve their goals. It's awesome.

5. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Not much of a sports watcher or player, I'm afraid, but I love when the Olympics comes around!

6. What are your thoughts on leggings as pants?
Used to hate 'em, now I love 'em. I just like the bum to be covered up with a long tunic or sweater. ;)

7. If you could have a practical car and a fun car, what would they be?
Oh man, I am so not a car person. My husband often says he wants the Mazda CX-7, so I'll go with that for a practical one, and as far as a fun car, anything new and convertible!

8. If you had 1 million dollars, what would you do with it?
That is way too much money for my brain to comprehend! I'd pay off debt, give to church, buy a beautiful beach house that everyone could enjoy, travel, and honestly give lots of it away. I love giving gifts - it would be a dream come true to be able to be crazy generous!

9. If you could have breakfast with anyone in the world {dead or alive} who would it be?
Jane Austen. I love her books, and I want to hash out Pride and Prejudice over a cup of tea with her.

10. Do you play any instruments, if so, which one?
I play the piano, and I also sing.

11. Chocolate or vanilla?
If it's cake or candy, then chocolate, as long as it's dark. But I will never ever pass up a vanilla custard or pudding.

That was fun! Thanks again Kailey for nominating me. Here are my eleven nominations. Each one of these women has been an encouragement to me, whether it's being a daily presence in my life, leaving a kind comment on a post, or reminding me that they're praying for me. Thank you, ladies!

Encouraging Words
How Sweet This Is
The Wilson Adventure
Belle Haven Drive
In-Due-Time
Eternally Hopeful
The Salsky Update
Sario Hill
From Ring to Reception
DeGrassie Family (private blog)
Renewing My Mind (private blog)

Now for your questions. Answer them in a blog post, add the image to your post, and then nominate eleven bloggers who deserve this award! (You can answer the questions even if you can't come up with eleven new bloggers! That can be hard for some.)

1. Do you prefer savory or sweet for breakfast?
2. What is a beauty product you simply cannot live without?
3. Complete the sentence: I wish I had more time for...
4. What is the last book you read?
5. Which do you prefer: a live or fake Christmas tree?
6. What is your favorite Christmas carol?
7. If you could own a home anywhere, where would it be?
8. Which do you like better: gold or silver?
9. If you were a flower, what flower would you be?
10. What is your favorite book of the Bible?
11. What is something you're holding to or remembering this Christmas season?

Once your posts are up, share the link in the comments! Looking forward to reading, friends!