Signed Up

Today we signed up for the informational meeting for domestic adoption at Bethany Christian Services. I'm nervous. Not so much about attending the meeting--that I'm looking forward to!--but because our file there makes us look like flaky, non-commital people.

Two years ago, we went to a meeting there and instantly knew we weren't ready. I remember sitting in the room and within minutes fighting back tears. Everything was difficult that night, and when we heard that BCS was supportive of open adoptions, that was it. Adoption was a new and foreign enough concept--throwing in birth parents and birth grandparents into the mix was more than I could handle.

Last year, we filled out a preliminary application (again, I think, since I'm pretty sure I had already filled one out...) and even talked to someone about starting up the process. It never really went anywhere, though. I had tried to sign us up for a meeting, but we couldn't make the two that were offered in the fall.

Last week I emailed saying we wanted to attend another meeting, then followed up with a call today.

Hopefully they have lots of grace for couples like us, couples who are navigating these emotions as best as they can.

At any rate, we're signed up! Wow, this is getting exciting!

Saying Good-bye

Today, this year will come to a close. I have mixed emotions about the end of one year and the beginning of another. On the one hand, I love a fresh start, a chance to begin again, an opportunity to make an impossible list of goals and resolutions and try to keep them past February! On the other hand, though, I hate change. At least, I hate the unsettled mysterious nature of change. I'd rather things stay the same, warm and cozy as they've always been.

This coming year will have a great deal of change, and I find myself, in these last moments of 2013, grieving what I must leave behind. There were tears this past week, the first tears in some time. I thought of all that we'd lost, all that we hoped would happen that didn't come to be.

The change that I speak of is good change. We are beginning our first steps toward adoption! We are opening our arms and hearts wide to this beautiful thing that God has planned for us.

But even the most wonderful changes in life can still mean saying good-bye to something else. And even if that something else had with it countless tears and heartbreaks, intertwined with it all was our deepest and most desperate hope. In many ways, I am ready for what lies ahead, ready for joy and laughter and surprise. But I don't feel ready to say good-bye. My heart made a place for what I thought we would have, and that empty space hurts right now.

I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted to see a positive sign on those sticks I've come to hate. I wanted to experience our baby's heartbeat, feel it kick and move, fall in love with it before ever holding it. I wanted healing, for me, for Robby, for our families and friends who have never stopped praying and hoping with us. I wanted to know what our child--half me and half him--would be like. Green eyes like his? Fair like me? Tall, like the both of us? Calm and selfless, or passionate and willful?

Am I crazy to have great hope for what is to come, yet lingering sorrow for what never came to be?

The truth is that at one point, there was no room for the hope of what was to come. Now there is. Yes, my heart made a place for what I thought we would have, and that emptiness hurts. But my heart has also grown, created a space for something I didn't even know I wanted. I don't know exactly how it works, saying good-bye to a dream while welcoming a new one. I don't know how tears of grief and joy can mingle together.

But I do know that Scripture is full of God's promises of something different, something unexpected, something better coming to those who trust Him. And that's something I can walk in with full confidence.

Sunshine Award for my Favorite Person

Last week, I nominated eleven bloggers to receive a Sunshine Award, women who have been encouraging to me through their comments, prayers, and stories.

But there is someone I didn't mention who really deserves all the awards I could ever give, someone who is with me through it all, someone who brings light in my darkest days and my brightest days.

I'm talking about my sweetie, my honey, my best friend of a decade. So last week we cuddled up on the couch (yep, we still do that) and he told me his answers. Here they are, his words, my typing.

1. Do you prefer savory or sweet for breakfast?
I like both, savory and sweet. I like to have alternate bites of each.

2. What is a beauty product you simply cannot live without?
Old Spice Anti-Perspirant in Pure Sport

3. Complete the sentence: I wish I had more time for...
...my wife. Even though I spend lots of time with her, I always want more time. (I promise those are his words. I'm a lucky girl.)

4. What is the last book you read?
Umm....(We had to talk this one out. He's not much of a reader of novels.) I read gods at war by Kyle Idleman. 

5. Which do you prefer: a live or fake Christmas tree?
Fake - they're easier.

6. What is your favorite Christmas carol?
"O Holy Night"

7. If you could own a home anywhere, where would it be?
Laguna Beach. No wait. New York City.

8. Which do you like better: gold or silver?
Silver - our house is covered in it right now.

9. If you were a flower, what flower would you be?
Can I be a tree? (Of course.) An elm.

10. What is your favorite book of the Bible?
John

11. What is something you're holding to or remembering this Christmas season?
I'm thinking a lot about worship and remembering to worship God at Christmas. 

Thanks Robby for indulging me ;) And I hope you all enjoyed a glimpse into the mind of my DH. Here's a recent picture of us at Thanksgiving. Love him so!

Sunshine Award! For me?!

This is so sweet! Kailey, who blogs at Cheers to Plan A, nominated me for this Sunshine Award! I'm a little late getting out my responses, but here they are anyway!

1. What is the best vacation you’ve ever been on?
My husband and I have gotten to go to New York three times together, and it is hands down our favorite place to be! We were there two years ago for our 7th wedding anniversary, and it was the best.

2. What is your favorite Bible verse/quote?
So many! I've always held 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 close to my heart, which ends with, "For we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal." I also love the book of Ruth and read it often - such an inspiring story!

3. Share two lessons that you’ve learned in your life.
Lesson #1: God can open our hearts to anything, even something we never expected or wanted.
Lesson #2: We need to allow ourselves to grieve as long as we want and however we want. Grief is good - it leads us to God who is the only one who can heal.

4. What is your profession? Do you love it?
I am a high school English teacher, and yes, I love it! I especially love what I am doing now, working as a part-time teacher in an independent study program. I get to have one-on-one time with students and help them achieve their goals. It's awesome.

5. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Not much of a sports watcher or player, I'm afraid, but I love when the Olympics comes around!

6. What are your thoughts on leggings as pants?
Used to hate 'em, now I love 'em. I just like the bum to be covered up with a long tunic or sweater. ;)

7. If you could have a practical car and a fun car, what would they be?
Oh man, I am so not a car person. My husband often says he wants the Mazda CX-7, so I'll go with that for a practical one, and as far as a fun car, anything new and convertible!

8. If you had 1 million dollars, what would you do with it?
That is way too much money for my brain to comprehend! I'd pay off debt, give to church, buy a beautiful beach house that everyone could enjoy, travel, and honestly give lots of it away. I love giving gifts - it would be a dream come true to be able to be crazy generous!

9. If you could have breakfast with anyone in the world {dead or alive} who would it be?
Jane Austen. I love her books, and I want to hash out Pride and Prejudice over a cup of tea with her.

10. Do you play any instruments, if so, which one?
I play the piano, and I also sing.

11. Chocolate or vanilla?
If it's cake or candy, then chocolate, as long as it's dark. But I will never ever pass up a vanilla custard or pudding.

That was fun! Thanks again Kailey for nominating me. Here are my eleven nominations. Each one of these women has been an encouragement to me, whether it's being a daily presence in my life, leaving a kind comment on a post, or reminding me that they're praying for me. Thank you, ladies!

Encouraging Words
How Sweet This Is
The Wilson Adventure
Belle Haven Drive
In-Due-Time
Eternally Hopeful
The Salsky Update
Sario Hill
From Ring to Reception
DeGrassie Family (private blog)
Renewing My Mind (private blog)

Now for your questions. Answer them in a blog post, add the image to your post, and then nominate eleven bloggers who deserve this award! (You can answer the questions even if you can't come up with eleven new bloggers! That can be hard for some.)

1. Do you prefer savory or sweet for breakfast?
2. What is a beauty product you simply cannot live without?
3. Complete the sentence: I wish I had more time for...
4. What is the last book you read?
5. Which do you prefer: a live or fake Christmas tree?
6. What is your favorite Christmas carol?
7. If you could own a home anywhere, where would it be?
8. Which do you like better: gold or silver?
9. If you were a flower, what flower would you be?
10. What is your favorite book of the Bible?
11. What is something you're holding to or remembering this Christmas season?

Once your posts are up, share the link in the comments! Looking forward to reading, friends!

November

Every now and then, I like to stop and consider what the last year has brought us. What did we learn? How did we grow? What was difficult, and what was wonderful?

At this point last November, we had just begun our steps toward IVF. I had found out about my Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR)––which was extremely disappointing––but had chosen to move ahead with IVF anyway, hoping for the best. We had our entire church family pray for us and experienced an incredible amount of love and support as we prepared for our IVF. In the late winter and early spring, we were geared for our IVF...only to have it demoted to an IUI because of my lack of response. We tried again, upping all the medication, and were thrilled to be able to have two embryos make it! We loved them. (Still do.) On April 21, those two tiny embryos were transferred. We had an amazing two weeks where we allowed ourselves to be full of gratitude and joy for our embryos and the gift God had given us. Of course, our hearts were crushed on May 3rd when we learned we were not pregnant. As we crumbled to pieces, all of our friends and family gathered around us to help pick us up.

In June, we celebrated eight years of marriage together with a fantastic week at the Central Coast, and the rest of our summer was one sweet moment after another! Throughout those months and until now we have continued to heal, grieve, laugh, cry, rejoice, question, accept, listen, and hope.

Yes, so much hope. Hope that God heals, that He moves, that He cares. Hope that God can take our broken hearts and not only mend them but open them wide to something new and different He has in store for us.

A year can bring so much, can't it?

The Story of our Hearts

During the waiting period, while we hoped that our IVF had been successful and our embryos implanted, the image of two hearts became very meaningful to us. I recognized how quickly these embryos–nothing in the eyes of many–had captured us, had become a piece of us in ways I didn't expect. Insignificant as they were, they had taken hold of our hearts!

When we found out we were not pregnant and our embryos didn't survive, we were broken.  I know not everyone can understand this, but we truly loved them, as much as we knew how. For two weeks, we had dreamed of a life with them, desperate for them to live so we could hold them and know them. When the bloodwork came confirming the negative result, the reality that they were gone, just like that, there and then gone, nothing to do to fix it, nothing to do to give them another chance with us, no way to go back and try it again, it all crushed us.

They are all we have ever had. Two tiny embryos less than two weeks old (perhaps only a couple of days old) are all we have ever had.

And so, we love them. We still love them. And we love thinking about them and those sweet days we had. As soon as they were gone, we knew we wanted a tangible way to remember them. I had an image of two heart-shaped stones that I wanted under our favorite elm tree. We began the search...and found nothing. 

And then a week later, two wonderful friends sent us on a trip to Yosemite. It was such a special time for us, filled with lots of healing tears, a few days to be free with our brokenness. There, at a final last stop, we found the perfect heart stones, the sweet memorial we were hoping to have. 

We returned home, and the next day was Mother's Day. That morning, Robby gave me a precious heart necklace, which he had ordered the day before our test result. I wear it nearly everyday. That same afternoon, his parents gave us a small smooth stone. One side has two tiny hearts carved, and the other side has the date they came alive. This sits on our dresser in our bedroom.

These three pieces are incredibly special to us. For us, our grieving process needed such memorials to recognize the importance of our embryos and their significance to us. They may have been the teeniest tiniest things ever, but they were, and still are, deeply loved.

All Eyes on the Infertile: Sarah's Laughter

As I have dealt with infertility, the stories in Scripture about barren women have become especially dear to my heart. I wonder what these heartbroken women would have thought had they known that their lives would encourage women like me thousands of years later? Oh how critical their stories and the stories of their children are to God's redemption plan! It was as if God wanted all eyes to be on them so all could see that He was doing something huge.

Sarah is the first woman we see in Scripture who is barren, and is she ever the epitome of desperation. Years before, God had called Abraham and promised him that he would be made into a great nation. Sounds like an amazing promise, but the problem was that Abraham and Sarah couldn't have children.  Out of her despair, Sarah finally gives her maidservant to her husband so she may have a child. It's crazy and a bit disturbing, but this is a desperate woman here, willing to do anything to have her baby. Of course, this fixes nothing and only results in more problems.

More time goes by, more heartbreaking days and nights, and finally God gives the sure promise that she would bear a child. Her response? Disbelief and laughter! And I get it! She's an old, worn, exhausted ninety-year-old woman! But she does indeed bear a son, Isaac. I smile every time I read her words after she has her son: "God has brought me laughter," she says. I think about the utter joy she must have had holding her baby for the first time. I mean, could she have even gotten through a single day without breaking down in grateful tears? I doubt it.

The thing is, even though God blessed Sarah and others with their babies eventually, it was never an easy path. There were real tears and real cries, genuine frustration and genuine desperation. And more often than not, it took many, many years for their hopes to become reality. As readers today, we may see it all resolved in a matter of chapters, but those of us in the land of barrenness know that those chapters can feel endless. Those women––just like many of us––had no clue that there would ever be a resolution. We may get to begin the story knowing the final picture of Sarah laughing out of joy, but she didn't have that luxury.

She couldn't see her laughter, and neither can I see mine. I wish I could. I wish I could flip forward a few chapters, to the page with the photograph I desperately desire, to the picture of me joyously laughing.

But I don't get that picture. None of us does. But God does give me countless other images to hold on to and carry with me. He gives me the picture of the shepherd who leaves the others to find the one wandering sheep; the Father who runs unashamedly to welcome His lost child; the Savior who willingly dies for a people who have rejected Him. He gives me the image of the slain Lamb, the risen and glorified King, the extravagant banquet table, and the never-ending River of Life.

And He gives me the image of Sarah's laughter. She may not have known that ending before the time came, but I do. I get to read her story, knowing that although some days were dark and desperate, light would come. Tears of sorrow and laughter of disbelief would turn to tears and laughter of joy and faith.

So today, I'm smiling at that picture of Sarah, knowing that the same God who worked mightily in her life cares for me, too.