Sunshine Award for my Favorite Person

Last week, I nominated eleven bloggers to receive a Sunshine Award, women who have been encouraging to me through their comments, prayers, and stories.

But there is someone I didn't mention who really deserves all the awards I could ever give, someone who is with me through it all, someone who brings light in my darkest days and my brightest days.

I'm talking about my sweetie, my honey, my best friend of a decade. So last week we cuddled up on the couch (yep, we still do that) and he told me his answers. Here they are, his words, my typing.

1. Do you prefer savory or sweet for breakfast?
I like both, savory and sweet. I like to have alternate bites of each.

2. What is a beauty product you simply cannot live without?
Old Spice Anti-Perspirant in Pure Sport

3. Complete the sentence: I wish I had more time for...
...my wife. Even though I spend lots of time with her, I always want more time. (I promise those are his words. I'm a lucky girl.)

4. What is the last book you read?
Umm....(We had to talk this one out. He's not much of a reader of novels.) I read gods at war by Kyle Idleman. 

5. Which do you prefer: a live or fake Christmas tree?
Fake - they're easier.

6. What is your favorite Christmas carol?
"O Holy Night"

7. If you could own a home anywhere, where would it be?
Laguna Beach. No wait. New York City.

8. Which do you like better: gold or silver?
Silver - our house is covered in it right now.

9. If you were a flower, what flower would you be?
Can I be a tree? (Of course.) An elm.

10. What is your favorite book of the Bible?
John

11. What is something you're holding to or remembering this Christmas season?
I'm thinking a lot about worship and remembering to worship God at Christmas. 

Thanks Robby for indulging me ;) And I hope you all enjoyed a glimpse into the mind of my DH. Here's a recent picture of us at Thanksgiving. Love him so!

Sunshine Award! For me?!

This is so sweet! Kailey, who blogs at Cheers to Plan A, nominated me for this Sunshine Award! I'm a little late getting out my responses, but here they are anyway!

1. What is the best vacation you’ve ever been on?
My husband and I have gotten to go to New York three times together, and it is hands down our favorite place to be! We were there two years ago for our 7th wedding anniversary, and it was the best.

2. What is your favorite Bible verse/quote?
So many! I've always held 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 close to my heart, which ends with, "For we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal." I also love the book of Ruth and read it often - such an inspiring story!

3. Share two lessons that you’ve learned in your life.
Lesson #1: God can open our hearts to anything, even something we never expected or wanted.
Lesson #2: We need to allow ourselves to grieve as long as we want and however we want. Grief is good - it leads us to God who is the only one who can heal.

4. What is your profession? Do you love it?
I am a high school English teacher, and yes, I love it! I especially love what I am doing now, working as a part-time teacher in an independent study program. I get to have one-on-one time with students and help them achieve their goals. It's awesome.

5. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Not much of a sports watcher or player, I'm afraid, but I love when the Olympics comes around!

6. What are your thoughts on leggings as pants?
Used to hate 'em, now I love 'em. I just like the bum to be covered up with a long tunic or sweater. ;)

7. If you could have a practical car and a fun car, what would they be?
Oh man, I am so not a car person. My husband often says he wants the Mazda CX-7, so I'll go with that for a practical one, and as far as a fun car, anything new and convertible!

8. If you had 1 million dollars, what would you do with it?
That is way too much money for my brain to comprehend! I'd pay off debt, give to church, buy a beautiful beach house that everyone could enjoy, travel, and honestly give lots of it away. I love giving gifts - it would be a dream come true to be able to be crazy generous!

9. If you could have breakfast with anyone in the world {dead or alive} who would it be?
Jane Austen. I love her books, and I want to hash out Pride and Prejudice over a cup of tea with her.

10. Do you play any instruments, if so, which one?
I play the piano, and I also sing.

11. Chocolate or vanilla?
If it's cake or candy, then chocolate, as long as it's dark. But I will never ever pass up a vanilla custard or pudding.

That was fun! Thanks again Kailey for nominating me. Here are my eleven nominations. Each one of these women has been an encouragement to me, whether it's being a daily presence in my life, leaving a kind comment on a post, or reminding me that they're praying for me. Thank you, ladies!

Encouraging Words
How Sweet This Is
The Wilson Adventure
Belle Haven Drive
In-Due-Time
Eternally Hopeful
The Salsky Update
Sario Hill
From Ring to Reception
DeGrassie Family (private blog)
Renewing My Mind (private blog)

Now for your questions. Answer them in a blog post, add the image to your post, and then nominate eleven bloggers who deserve this award! (You can answer the questions even if you can't come up with eleven new bloggers! That can be hard for some.)

1. Do you prefer savory or sweet for breakfast?
2. What is a beauty product you simply cannot live without?
3. Complete the sentence: I wish I had more time for...
4. What is the last book you read?
5. Which do you prefer: a live or fake Christmas tree?
6. What is your favorite Christmas carol?
7. If you could own a home anywhere, where would it be?
8. Which do you like better: gold or silver?
9. If you were a flower, what flower would you be?
10. What is your favorite book of the Bible?
11. What is something you're holding to or remembering this Christmas season?

Once your posts are up, share the link in the comments! Looking forward to reading, friends!

November

Every now and then, I like to stop and consider what the last year has brought us. What did we learn? How did we grow? What was difficult, and what was wonderful?

At this point last November, we had just begun our steps toward IVF. I had found out about my Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR)––which was extremely disappointing––but had chosen to move ahead with IVF anyway, hoping for the best. We had our entire church family pray for us and experienced an incredible amount of love and support as we prepared for our IVF. In the late winter and early spring, we were geared for our IVF...only to have it demoted to an IUI because of my lack of response. We tried again, upping all the medication, and were thrilled to be able to have two embryos make it! We loved them. (Still do.) On April 21, those two tiny embryos were transferred. We had an amazing two weeks where we allowed ourselves to be full of gratitude and joy for our embryos and the gift God had given us. Of course, our hearts were crushed on May 3rd when we learned we were not pregnant. As we crumbled to pieces, all of our friends and family gathered around us to help pick us up.

In June, we celebrated eight years of marriage together with a fantastic week at the Central Coast, and the rest of our summer was one sweet moment after another! Throughout those months and until now we have continued to heal, grieve, laugh, cry, rejoice, question, accept, listen, and hope.

Yes, so much hope. Hope that God heals, that He moves, that He cares. Hope that God can take our broken hearts and not only mend them but open them wide to something new and different He has in store for us.

A year can bring so much, can't it?

The Story of our Hearts

During the waiting period, while we hoped that our IVF had been successful and our embryos implanted, the image of two hearts became very meaningful to us. I recognized how quickly these embryos–nothing in the eyes of many–had captured us, had become a piece of us in ways I didn't expect. Insignificant as they were, they had taken hold of our hearts!

When we found out we were not pregnant and our embryos didn't survive, we were broken.  I know not everyone can understand this, but we truly loved them, as much as we knew how. For two weeks, we had dreamed of a life with them, desperate for them to live so we could hold them and know them. When the bloodwork came confirming the negative result, the reality that they were gone, just like that, there and then gone, nothing to do to fix it, nothing to do to give them another chance with us, no way to go back and try it again, it all crushed us.

They are all we have ever had. Two tiny embryos less than two weeks old (perhaps only a couple of days old) are all we have ever had.

And so, we love them. We still love them. And we love thinking about them and those sweet days we had. As soon as they were gone, we knew we wanted a tangible way to remember them. I had an image of two heart-shaped stones that I wanted under our favorite elm tree. We began the search...and found nothing. 

And then a week later, two wonderful friends sent us on a trip to Yosemite. It was such a special time for us, filled with lots of healing tears, a few days to be free with our brokenness. There, at a final last stop, we found the perfect heart stones, the sweet memorial we were hoping to have. 

We returned home, and the next day was Mother's Day. That morning, Robby gave me a precious heart necklace, which he had ordered the day before our test result. I wear it nearly everyday. That same afternoon, his parents gave us a small smooth stone. One side has two tiny hearts carved, and the other side has the date they came alive. This sits on our dresser in our bedroom.

These three pieces are incredibly special to us. For us, our grieving process needed such memorials to recognize the importance of our embryos and their significance to us. They may have been the teeniest tiniest things ever, but they were, and still are, deeply loved.

All Eyes on the Infertile: Sarah's Laughter

As I have dealt with infertility, the stories in Scripture about barren women have become especially dear to my heart. I wonder what these heartbroken women would have thought had they known that their lives would encourage women like me thousands of years later? Oh how critical their stories and the stories of their children are to God's redemption plan! It was as if God wanted all eyes to be on them so all could see that He was doing something huge.

Sarah is the first woman we see in Scripture who is barren, and is she ever the epitome of desperation. Years before, God had called Abraham and promised him that he would be made into a great nation. Sounds like an amazing promise, but the problem was that Abraham and Sarah couldn't have children.  Out of her despair, Sarah finally gives her maidservant to her husband so she may have a child. It's crazy and a bit disturbing, but this is a desperate woman here, willing to do anything to have her baby. Of course, this fixes nothing and only results in more problems.

More time goes by, more heartbreaking days and nights, and finally God gives the sure promise that she would bear a child. Her response? Disbelief and laughter! And I get it! She's an old, worn, exhausted ninety-year-old woman! But she does indeed bear a son, Isaac. I smile every time I read her words after she has her son: "God has brought me laughter," she says. I think about the utter joy she must have had holding her baby for the first time. I mean, could she have even gotten through a single day without breaking down in grateful tears? I doubt it.

The thing is, even though God blessed Sarah and others with their babies eventually, it was never an easy path. There were real tears and real cries, genuine frustration and genuine desperation. And more often than not, it took many, many years for their hopes to become reality. As readers today, we may see it all resolved in a matter of chapters, but those of us in the land of barrenness know that those chapters can feel endless. Those women––just like many of us––had no clue that there would ever be a resolution. We may get to begin the story knowing the final picture of Sarah laughing out of joy, but she didn't have that luxury.

She couldn't see her laughter, and neither can I see mine. I wish I could. I wish I could flip forward a few chapters, to the page with the photograph I desperately desire, to the picture of me joyously laughing.

But I don't get that picture. None of us does. But God does give me countless other images to hold on to and carry with me. He gives me the picture of the shepherd who leaves the others to find the one wandering sheep; the Father who runs unashamedly to welcome His lost child; the Savior who willingly dies for a people who have rejected Him. He gives me the image of the slain Lamb, the risen and glorified King, the extravagant banquet table, and the never-ending River of Life.

And He gives me the image of Sarah's laughter. She may not have known that ending before the time came, but I do. I get to read her story, knowing that although some days were dark and desperate, light would come. Tears of sorrow and laughter of disbelief would turn to tears and laughter of joy and faith.

So today, I'm smiling at that picture of Sarah, knowing that the same God who worked mightily in her life cares for me, too. 

Breathe In, Breathe Out

I remember being a kid and having days when every second was spent swimming in my nan's pool. From the moment we were awake until it was time to come in for the evening, we would be outside soaking up the sun and water. And being a kid at the pool is so different than being an adult at the pool, isn't it? The whole time you're jumping in, climbing out, playing games, doing tricks. Quite a contrast from me with my chair and magazine now ;)

Not only do I remember the day spent in the water, but I remember what it felt like at night. My lungs would feel strangely stretched out and tired from holding my breath all day. There'd be a slight burn at the back of my throat from all the chlorine. And the exhaustion would be deep, all the way to my bones. Even though the day had been exhilarating, I couldn't have spent another moment in the water had I wanted to. I needed rest.

That's the best way I can explain how I feel right now, that night-time exhaustion that comes with a water-logged, sun-burned day at the pool. I feel like I've been holding my breath, and my lungs ache. It's not that the last year has been miserable. Even with our failed IVF and all the pain that accompanied that, I still have had a good, joyful year. But everything in me feels a bit worn, and it's time to catch my breath.

And so, we've decided to do just that. In the midst of talking about adoption and embryos and eggs and plans and everything else, we've realized we need to give ourselves a break. We need time to take big, deep breaths, in and out, again and again. We need to let go of the stress of taking the "next step" and allow God to fill our lungs today.

Two months and thoughts on lament

Today marks two months since the sad day we found out our little embryos were no longer with us on this earth. In many ways, life has moved on and we are back to "normal." I'm out of school for the summer, and our busy summer schedule is in full swing. We've had a number of sweet celebrations and a fantastic getaway, and we are looking forward to more. But in other ways, the loss feels fresh. The tears are right there, right behind a very thin layer of keeping-it-together. When I'm alone or when I'm in a place where tears are acceptable, they come. (Actually, they can come even when tears are not acceptable! Walking by the Target baby aisle can be downright cruel at times!)

Whenever we are in the midst of healing from a loss, we hear people remind us to be thankful. I appreciate that, but I'm learning something important for my own healing: Lament and thankfulness don't have to be mutually exclusive. We can be thankful for the blessings we have while still pouring out our tears to our God. We can recognize the wholeness around us while mourning the brokenness inside us.

Certainly having a heart full of gratitude reminds me of God's goodness and presence. But then again, lament and doubt do not necessarily go hand-in-hand. Psalms is full of lament, written by faithful believing followers of Yahweh. When we cry out to God, when we lay before Him our brokenness and fallenness, we are doing exactly what He wants us to do: We are recognizing our desperate need for Him. And in that place of vulnerability, our hearts will worship. Our hearts will cry out in thanks for His precious presence!

I know what the fear is, though. We fear we will never move on. We fear that if we don't start pulling it together, we'll remain a heaping mess of heartache. And who wants that, right?

But this is a fear that we may overcome with God's promises. We lament and cry out because we have a God who hears and who understands! God heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds (Ps 147:3), is close to them and saves them (Ps 34:18), bears their burdens (68:19, Mt 11:30), comforts them (Is 66:13), and one day will wipe every tear from their eye (Rev 21:4). Christ is the Word in flesh, Immanuel, God with us, and he says, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" (Mt 5:4).

I praise God for His healing, for the mending that has already taken place. And I praise God for the tears through which I see my desperate need for Him.