We're waiting...officially!

Today we sent off our adoption profiles! At this point, our home study is completely finished, and we are an official waiting family! We are full of joy and are definitely celebrating this moment! Woo-hoo!

Prayers!

I shared this on my personal blog this morning but thought I'd share it here, as well, for my sweet Loveliest Way readers.

A little over a week ago, our head pastor was in a serious bicycling accident while making his way back from a morning ride. As far as we know, he somehow lost control of his bike and crashed head-first into a boulder. His injuries are serious, and although he is making great progress for the type of trauma he experienced, he still has a long journey ahead.

Please pray for him and his family, specifically his wife who is at his side every moment she can be. Pray for our church and for my husband, Rob, who is the associate pastor of our church. A great burden is on his shoulders to keep everything up, and he needs wisdom and strength as he continues to lead the church.

We see God's hand in all of this. God spared our pastor's life and is already working mightily in his healing. He provided help quickly in spite of cell phones not having reception. He orchestrated people, including our pastor's children and some extended family, to be home and nearby when needed. He blessed us this past week at our VBS and youth event, and He even prepared Rob and me by allowing us to get the majority of our adoption work finished so we can be present with our pastor and church in this time.

It makes it all the easier to trust the Lord when He is already proving Himself faithful! If you are interested in keeping up with the progress of our pastor, you can follow the updates on this Facebook page.

Thank you for your prayers and support!

Healthy and Safe

This week, we finished the last of our items on the giant list. We completed our Preference Survey and handed it in to our social worker.

This may have been the hardest part yet. It didn't require the hours of design and writing the Adoption Profile took, and it didn't require quizzes to receive credit (as each online course does), but it dug deep into my heart more than anything else. 

The Preference Survey is a lengthy questionnaire that explains what we're open to adopting, specifically regarding health and background. We prayed (and cried, at times) our way through it, recognizing that this–I'll say it again–is hard.

I've been friends with many pregnant women now, and I've prayed with them as they carried their babies. I have yet to experience a woman who has ever asked for anything except that her baby would be healthy. That's it. That's a mother's deepest desire: that her tiny baby growing inside would be healthy and safe.

But, to be honest, there really isn't a box to check that says "healthy and safe" on the survey. The reality is that many and arguably all of these babies are entering the world with some amount of trauma. And so, we must decide what we can handle, what God has equipped us to do. I have no doubt in my mind that I will love any baby we get to hold in our arms and have for life, but that fact doesn't make this any easier. I, like any mother-to-be, want my baby to be healthy and safe.

This is yet one more loss we must face in our infertility, one more piece we must release. I have no control over what happens to our baby during its nine months of life with its mother. Even as we completed the survey and explained what we were open to, we both recognized that all of this is out of our hands. We are at the mercy of God, depending on His grace and His plan to make this work out for good.

I've been reminded, though, that we are depending on God's grace and His plan for good every single day. We try to keep ourselves and those we love healthy and safe, but sometimes God allows otherwise. This week alone, we saw that happen on a huge scale with someone we love, and everything we believe comes to the surface during these moments. Is God who He says He is, even in the face of illness, accidents, and loss? Is God still good, is His plan still perfect, even when we're not healthy and safe?

The answer is yes. Yes, God is who He says He is; yes, God still is good; yes, God's plan is perfect. In trials, in loss, in things we don't understand, God is working out His plan, a plan much much bigger than keeping our bodies healthy and safe. In my humanness, in my weakness, I can be entirely concerned with protecting this body, when perhaps God cares more about the health and continuing salvation of our souls.

It's at this point of understanding that I'm left completely helpless and dependent on God. Every single thing is out of my control, but He has a purpose for each joy and trial in my life. I praise Him that He has neither surprise at the things that happen, nor fear. He is all-knowing, all-powerful, and all-loving. This is my comfort and peace in life: He knows, He can, and He loves. 

Grace for today

Yesterday started strong. We had finished our adoption profile and completed our home inspection. I woke up, my body and mind alert to begin working on something, then quickly realized there wasn't much to do anymore. We had gotten through that strenuous 90-day assessment process, and so I poured myself a cup of coffee, ready to enjoy a peaceful and relaxing day.

Right...

I should know by now. I really should. Every single time we hit a milestone or cross a bridge, the weight of it all falls on me again. The day may have started strong, but soon I was a wreck. A sobbing mess.

You know, I grow weary of these complicated emotions of mine. Grief and joy. Loss and hope. Confident one moment, then terrified the next. Strong in the morning, but weak by noon.

Here's the thing about us: we threw out our rose-colored glasses long ago. From the moment we decided to grow our family, it has been hard. Even now, even though we are in the adoption process and we believe that we will have our child one day, the road ahead is still difficult.

I was reminded of something I learned at our Bible study this past winter. Beth Moore said something so profound (and Kelly unknowingly echoed it yesterday). Beth said that when we put ourselves in these future situations, these situations that are hard and even frightening, we are envisioning ourselves there without the grace and help of God.

God has given us grace for today, for what He's calling us to right now. He's guided us, loved us, provided for us, and we have every reason to trust Him. We don't know why certain things have happened or not happened. We don't know how it will all work out. But we know that He's here, and He has a plan. We know that every single day, He gives us what we need to be strong and brave and faithful.

That's the key, though: He gives it to us. Which means that we have to recognize our weakness and allow Him to be our strength. It was okay that I fell to pieces yesterday. This is huge! This is bigger than anything we can do on our own. But if I simply remained in my crumpled state, I'd be missing out on who God is in my life. He gives me strength for each day and grace for each moment. He is our hope for today and for our future.

Little by little, I allowed Him to strengthen me yesterday. My friends and family encouraged me; my husband supported me; and the words in Scripture empowered me. For when I am weak, then I am strong (2 Corinthians 12:9-11).

By the evening, there was peace in my heart, and there still is. I know tears will come again, and I know there will be tough days ahead. But I hope I remember sooner than later that God gives us what we need in the moment we need it.

Adoption Profile...Check!

We finished our adoption profile last night! It has been nearly a week of working on this, and I have no doubt we've spent at least 40 hours on it. It's complete, though, and the order is on the way. What a huge weight off of our shoulders! We also had our inspection yesterday, so it was a big day for the Feely's.

Here's the final cut. Note that for this post, I took out a few photos and bits of information, so if there are blank spots, rest assured that those are filled :)

Cover

Page 1: Individual Information

Pages 2-3: Joint Information

Pages 4-5: Letter to the Birth Parents

Pages 6-7: About Us

Pages 8-9: Places We Love

Pages 10-11: Our Family, Friends, and Faith

Page 12: Our Home

Sneak Peek of our Adoption Profile

For the last two days, I have remained in my pjs from morning until night, working on one thing: our adoption profile. Here's a little glimpse of it:

Like seemingly every aspect in this process, this has been a lot more work than I anticipated. With the sheer weight of it all (birth mothers will use this–these pictures, these words, these pieces of our heart!–to consider us for a match) coupled with my tendency to overdo everything, it's been a bit stressful. I'm so thankful to have the summer off and to be home this week! It's been a lot of work, but it has been good to know I can pour all of my attention into it and finish it.

It's not finished, though. Close, but not quite. We'd like to get some updated photos, so that will be a project for this weekend. Plus, we'd love to include a picture or two from when we were little, so that means finding and scanning old photographs. Still, the majority of the plotting and writing of these twelve pages is complete!

In fact, things in general are progressing nicely. We have only two online classes left and just a few more chapters to read in the book The Connected Child. Monday is our home inspection, and we are almost ready for it. Once our profile is finished, we'll use portions of it to complete some other elements. And–fingers crossed–that's it! For now, at least :) Our social worker will do her part and get us all approved, and then we'll be placed on the waiting families list. Whew!

I look forward to having all the pieces in place, so we can simply rest and wait. It's been a lot these past few months, so I welcome some quiet. Notice I said some quiet. We don't want to be waiting forever!

Where We Are

I started writing this post simply to share where we are in the process and the new items we've checked off of our list. In the past week and a half, we have completed six online courses and our individual interviews. We have only a few courses left, our home inspection, and the creation of our adoption profile. Amazing!

But it's time to share where we are emotionally, as well. With every step, we find ourselves revisiting a piece of our grief and feeling some part of our loss. This past week, we were at the beach celebrating our anniversary. There were (of course) countless families enjoying the sun and waves, and as I watched darling kids bounce around on the beach, my heart was heavy. One of the greatest losses for us is not knowing what our biological children would have looked like. I grieve that I will never know them, that we will never get to say she has my eyes or his hair color. As we're learning about what it means to be an adoptive family, what it means to even be a conspicuous family, that loss feels fresh again. Please don't misunderstand: I have joy when I think about the adoptive child God will give us, and there is an excitement over what he or she will look like! But just because I have joy and excitement over a good thing doesn't mean there aren't tears over the loss. This is true for our future adoptive child, just as it is true for us. 

In fact, so much of our training and education has focused on the unique challenges we will have being adoptive parents. At times, it can be overwhelming. We find ourselves growing in knowledge and preparation, but with that comes the heavy reality that this will, from the very beginning, be different. It will, from the very beginning, be hard. And that isn't even touching on the difficulties of parenting in general, adoptive or not. 

It was good last night, then, when Steph reminded me that it's the daily life that will make it all worth it. Right now, we are learning all about the challenges, the questions, the crises, and the difficulties; very little time is spent talking about the beauty of being parents, the everyday moments we'll share with our little one, and the big milestones that we'll all celebrate together. But those will be ours, too.

So, where we are: moving along, checking things off, putting one foot in front of the other, and believing even when it's difficult that God is in this.