Holding to Hope

It's harder to remain hopeful today. I have a lot of cramping, and it's difficult to think it's anything different than what I experience every "normal" month. I've spent some of my morning in the Psalms, reminding myself of God's goodness and faithfulness throughout history, praising God for how great He is. I came across Psalm 113:9, which says, "He gives the childless woman a household, making her the joyful mother of children. Hallelujah!" I love this verse, even though I know that not every childless woman gets to become a joyful mother. But it still shows a truth about our God: He cares for the broken, and He loves to redeem. And often, He does grant the barren woman her deep desire! I'm holding to this today.

IVF Meds {4}

This is the last post on IVF medications. After my final injection, I only had to worry about pills, patches, and suppositories. That's a little easier to manage than a self-administered shot!

After the aspiration and transfer, I took the antibiotic Erythromycin (which always makes me nauseated!) and Medrol, a steroid, for four days. The day after the aspiration, I began the progesterone suppositories (Crinone and Prometrium) in the morning and before bed. Lastly, I stuck on my Vivelle Dot Patch (Estradiol). I'll continue these along with vitamins, baby aspirin, and Ovomax (a DHEA supplement) until told to stop.

What do these do to me? I become a hormonal crazy person. I also am constantly sick to my stomach and super fatigued. Yes, I'm a bowl of fun these days. Who wants to hang out? :)

2WW: 1WD

(Translation: Two Week Wait. One Week Down.)

Our little embryos are one week old today! Only one more week to go until we find out how they've done with me. Part of me wishes May 3rd would just get here already, and part of me wishes I could stay in this bliss for a bit longer.

Overall, I've done well...except for coming down with the stomach flu. At first, I was slightly excited, thinking maybe it was an early (albeit crazy early) pregnancy symptom. I had a low fever all day and just felt a bit ick. That turned into a miserable night of the flu, which I am still struggling to get over. The worst is past, though.

Besides this horrible and disgusting past twenty-four hours, the week has been focused on resting and positivity. Usually, when I've had my IUIs, I sink into a depression almost immediately after the procedure. I feel like there is no more I can do and no more reason to hope. It either has worked, or it hasn't. When any tiny cramp comes along, I swear it's all over. The IVF felt different. Part of it was knowing that the embryos actually existed and were inside of me (that was amazing), but part of it was also the mindset we told ourselves we would have. We decided before the procedure that we would be hopeful and positive. We would trust that God was using this for his good, and that He was going to give us a family. We wouldn't discuss plan B's or what-ifs or buts or any of that. God has directed us to this, and there is no reason for us to hold on to some negative end result. And anyway, I know from experience: preparing ourselves for disappointment doesn't really help. It doesn't. And it just makes that 2ww a sad time when it could be a joyous time.

So, I'm full of joy. (I'm also full of saltine crackers and chicken broth. Ew.) I'm grateful for what I have, right here, right now.

Flowers of Hope

I've shared before how our garden has been a source of hope and encouragement for us. It has become this present and daily reminder of God's grace and God's redemption in our lives. So today, we were overjoyed when our peony (a lovely gift from Debbie) finally opened!

The truly amazing thing about this peony is that we have had it for nearly four years now, and it has never bloomed! Never! I guess some plants like peonies take a few years to settle in and finally flower. And so, to have it blooming now, and to have it with not one but two buds is just more than I can handle. (Remember, I'm overdosed on hormones over here...anything makes me cry!)

I've prayed that God would allow me to remain hopeful and positive. What a gift today!

Join the Movement...Be Brave!

On Sunday, my husband and I went to the hospital to have our first IVF embryo transfer. Quite coincidentally, Sunday was also April 21, the first day of National Infertility Awareness Week 2013. Although we didn't plan it to happen that way (as usual, we were at the mercy of many situations beyond our control), I did smile to myself as I read the email from Resolve. We were already in our hospital room by that time, me with my blue gown and cap and conspicuous lack of make-up (infertility isn't pretty, guys), waiting for our doctor.

While we waited, we watched the video and I read about the Bloggers Unite opportunity. The theme this year is "Join the Movement..." It's an opportunity for us to share how we've spoken up, shared our stories, and tried to break the isolation that so many infertile couples experience.

I wasn't always open about our infertility. It's not exactly the jolliest topic of conversation, and it has to be one of the more personal, intimate, even embarrassing struggles to share. And anyway, I was sure the moment I "made a big deal about it," I'd get pregnant! Then I would just look like a dramatic fool.

For years, then, we told no one. We barely talked about it with each other. I cried alone often in those early days, dreading each month's cycle that would remind me that I couldn't do such a natural human thing, heartbroken over the baby I couldn't have. I made excuses and ignored it as much as possible, but with each passing month, I became closer to having to face the truth. Something was wrong.

Finally, and I'm not sure what even propelled me to do this, I called my OB. That was the first step for me, once I recognized the problem. When the "easy" fixes didn't work, she referred us to a fertility specialist, and that was the beginning of our nearly four years with them.

I was still very closed off at this point, but as infertility became more and more our life, we began to open up, and I became braver about sharing. We told family and close friends first, then key people in our church, and then it slowly expanded. I began this blog in January of 2010 just as we were preparing for our first IUI. It started out as a private, read-only-by-invitation thing. Somewhere along the way I made it public. And then on Monday, completely overwhelmed by the IVF process we had just gone through and the positive support we had received, I linked it on Facebook.

Honestly, I thought that by now, most people either knew or at least guessed we were infertile. I couldn't believe the response! So many people contacted me, saying they had no clue we were struggling with this, offering prayers and love and support. Hundreds of people were reading our story, many of them wishing we had told them earlier.

"Join the movement" sounds like such a huge thing. It sounds like I need to buy t-shirts and run races and hold forums. (These things are going on, and I'm so grateful for those who do this!) But joining the movement can also be much simpler: it can be stepping out in courage when we'd rather hide away, being brave and willing to share when we'd rather stay silent.

It's true that with sharing our story, some may not understand. Some may think–as I've feared all these years–that I'm just a drama queen. Some may even say to us those things we infertiles hate to hear. But I think that's the minority. I think the majority wants to lift us up, carry us, bear with us, love us. Actually, I don't think this at all. I know this. And I know that as we open up and as we become braver–because it's scary, friends, to bare our deepest heartache like this–, knowledge and understanding will increase.

As I've already said this week, just by listening and caring, you have joined the movement! How else can you gain knowledge and spread awareness? You can:

1. Read Infertility 101 to learn the basics.
2. Read about National Infertility Awareness Week.
3. If you have a story, share it, even if you've had the joy of growing your family already. How did infertility affect you? How do you see it still impacting you and the way you live your life and connect with others? Grab the badge and be brave!
4. If you don't struggle (or haven't struggled) with infertility, you can still be a supporter! Share how you've seen infertility affect others or how your understanding has grown. (You're welcome to share about us.)

The Long Wait: Day 5

I basically have one thing (or is it two things?) consuming my thoughts. That being said, I wanted to see images of what these little embryos could potentially look like. I found this video on YouTube. So amazing to see the changes that take place in even five days!

At approximately day 5 (sometimes a day or two later), the embryo is called a blastocyst because of how it has changed. At this point, a greater chance exists for the embryos to continue growing and implant. This is why transferring a blastocyst has a higher success rate. But for us, that wasn't an option. We only had two, and one wasn't even dividing as well as it should, so we needed them in soon! The hope is that they will do better with me. I'd like to think so :)

You can check out the video here.

National Infertility Awareness Week: April 21-27

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week, and no, we did not plan our IVF to coincide perfectly with this. We know there are no real "plans" on this journey!

If you've been following us and our story, you already are "joining the movement" -- helping to raise awareness of infertility and to encourage compassion and understanding toward the infertile. We may be one of many couples you know struggling to become pregnant, or we may be the first. One thing is for sure: we are not alone. Statistically, 1 in 8 couples are infertile. I've done the count myself, and this is a pretty accurate stat for what I see among people I know, recognizing that some journeys may end sooner than others.

What can you do this week? Pray for those whose hearts are broken as they struggle with infertility. Share our story, or if you have your own, share that one! Read the links below to learn more about infertility and NIAW.

I know from experience that the infertile couple often feels lonely, isolated, and misunderstood. Thankfully, those feelings no longer plague us because of the support and understanding of those around us. I hope that all couples will get to experience that love in their own lives.

What is Infertility?
About National Infertility Awareness Week
Resolve: The National Infertility Association