Tied with Him

A poem on Psalm 103:

O soul, do not forget
our Lord and His benefits.
From the darkness we were redeemed
And crowned with grace and dignity.
All our hopes, satisfied.
All our stains, purified.
All our strength, renewed again.
Who we are is tied with Him.
Like a bud upon a branch,
Like a flame upon a match,
Our life, our breath,
Our drink, our fire
Now found in Christ,
Our one desire.
Do not forget, I cry again:
Who we are is tied with Him.

3/1/12

Song: For Today

I've shared a new song on my music blog called "For Today," and I thought I'd share it here, as well, and give a little more of the background of writing it.

I wrote the song in January of this year.  January was a tough month for me, and if you've been following my journey, you may remember me saying so.  It was hard for another year to come and go without my husband and me seeing new life coming to us; it was hard to turn another year older for the same reason.  I found myself struggling to stay afloat and keep hopeful.

One morning, Rob came in and told me that some friends of ours had just found out they were pregnant.  I feel like I always have to say this, but, here goes again: We love our friends.  We love our friends' kids.  We love that our friends share their joys with us.  It may seem hard to believe these to be true when I am honest about how tough it can be for me to hear of a pregnancy, but somehow, both exist.  I can be both happy for a friend's fullness and saddened at my own emptiness.

Most of the time.

This particular morning, there wasn't much happiness going on.  When you're doing all you can just to keep going, sometimes there's not much left for anything else.  I'm not proud of my response to Rob that day (I believe it was something like, Why did you even tell me this? *storm out of the room.  Nice, huh?), but it is what it is.  I walked out about the time he received a phone call, went straight to the piano, and wrote this.  I often keep my Bible by the piano, so during this cry, I pulled out Psalm 121 and read the first verse over and over.  "I lift my eyes to the hills--where does my help come from?  My help comes form the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth."

Sometimes I struggle to write a song, and other times, the words come as easily as humming.  This time it was as if all these thoughts had been tucked away, just waiting for me to give them a chance to appear.

For Today

Sometimes strong, sometimes weak,

Sometimes full of words, and sometimes I can’t speak.

Sometimes joy, sometimes pain,

Sometimes understanding, and sometimes barely sane.

Then I lift my eyes to the hills where I hope to find

Another ounce of strength to save me just in time.

Just enough grace for today.

Sometimes peace, sometimes fear,

Sometimes laughter ringing, and sometimes tears.

Sometimes morning, sometimes night,

Sometimes overflowing, sometimes dry.

Then I lift my eyes to the hills where I hope to find

Another ounce of strength to save me just in time.

Just enough grace for today.

Sometimes life, sometimes death

Sometimes much to give, and sometimes nothing left.

Sometimes wise, sometimes a fool,

But always You are faithful; always You are good.

So I lift my eyes to the hills where I know I’ll find

Another ounce of strength to save me just in time.

Just enough grace for today.

You’re enough grace for today.

God's Faithfulness

You are constant, Lord.

We see glimpses
of your constancy around us --
the rising and setting of the sun,
the opening and closing of flowers,
the rushing and retreating of waves.

But these are just a shadow of the Greater,
just a brush stroke of the painter.
For even the sun does not appear each day the same;
even the flower falls before its time;
even the waves answer to a stronger moon.

You and only you
are constant and faithful
yesterday,
today,
and tomorrow,
For You and only You
are past,
present,
and future.

You do not shake;
You do not change;
You do not bend or bow
in any form or way.
You answer to no one,
and so You alone are able --
Able to be the same,
unchanging,
unmoving,
Always.

1/30/12

Stepping Stones

I was recently informed of this great ministry and resource for couples struggling with infertility.  It is called Stepping Stones and is published by Bethany Christian Ministries.  It is encouraging and helpful for couples dealing with infertility, as well as their family and friends wanting to know how to support them.

Anniversary

This little blog in blogland is coming up to its two-year anniversary, which means it's been two years since our first IUI.  I can.not.believe.it.  To "celebrate," I went back and read some of my old posts.  I have to say it was a big cathartic, and I had a good cry on the couch this evening.  To be honest, I've been having a rough time since the new year.  My birthday is in January, so I had both New Year's Day and my birthday to remind me that another year has come and gone, and the deepest desire I've ever had hasn't been met.  The pain has been sharpened as dear women from my small group have recently announced their pregnancies, as well.

Going through my old posts did show me how much I've grown and changed, though.  At that time, I could barely even think about adoption.  Although Robby and I still aren't ready to adopt, we did attend an information meeting a couple of weeks ago about adoption.  This was a good step for us.  I'll share more about it later, but for now I can say I'm grateful God gave us that opportunity to attend.  I know He wanted us there.

I also see that I'm better understanding the value God still has on my life and on Robby's and my life together.  I think we're so accustomed to giving value to our lives only if it includes a family, and surely a family is a valuable thing.  But I'm recognizing that God has a purpose for me, and I have value in His eyes even if I don't ever become a mother.

Finally, I recognize that I am more open about our struggle.  I think, at the beginning, it was almost embarrassing for me to share with others that we were unable to have children.  I didn't want to deal with people's reactions, and I certainly didn't want people talking about me.  I know now, though, that this is a load to be shared, a burden to be born by those who love us.  It has been freeing to share more about our journey, and I find joy in seeing how God uses us to do just that.

There.  This all helped very much.  Thank you :)

A New Year

I haven't spent much time on this blog in the last year.  I can only say that it's not due to the fact that I don't think often about a baby.  It's the opposite.  I think about it all the time, so much so that it's just part of my life now.  In some ways, this struggle becomes easier with time.  I feel that God continues to grow my patience and understanding.  I don't have the same levels of anger or anxiety I once had.  But in other ways, the struggle becomes harder the longer it continues, and I wonder if it will ever be over.

The New Year always brings new hope for me, though, and I look forward to seeing what God will do in our lives.

Still here, plus a few thoughts on Ruth

This past Saturday, I shared at Kara's Purely Divine Boutique (as you all know).  It was a great day, and although I was absolutely terrified and nervous when it came my time to start, I eventually got into a groove.  One thing I shared was what I had recently realized about Ruth, and for those who didn't get to go, I wanted to write it here again.

After the last BFN, I was crushed.  Disappointment just cannot begin to capture what I felt.  There was hope, yes, because I've learned hope exists whether or not things turn out as we want, but there was also a deep sorrow.  A few days later, I was praying one morning and very clearly heard God tell me to look at Ruth, because I was like Ruth.  He revealed something about Ruth that -- even though I've probably read this book 100 times -- I hadn't noticed.  Ruth and her husband Mahlon were married for 10 years, but they had no children.  We know in a culture as theirs, the "choice" not to have children wasn't really one people made.  I did a bit of research and, sure enough, commentators said that it was likely that Ruth was barren, for whatever reason.

The first chapter of Ruth begins with a bleak picture: the spiritual emptiness of Israel during the time of the Judges, a famine in Judah, the death of Naomi's husband and sons (who was Ruth's husband), and then to top it all off, the barrenness of the women as there were no children.  We know the story, though.  God provides for both Naomi and Ruth through their kinsman redeemer Boaz, and not only does Ruth marry Boaz and receive a loving husband, but they together have a son, Obed.

Of course, the point of the story isn't that God gave Ruth a son, though he certainly showed her grace through that.  The point of the story is that that son, Obed, was the father of Jesse, who was the father of David, who was the father of Jesus.  The story is about true salvation that goes beyond just meeting the needs here on earth.  God, in his kindness, showed grace to Ruth, allowing her to know Him and be part of His kingdom and saving plan.  That was the fullness that He offered Ruth and Naomi.  He showed them abundant grace here on this earth, yes, but more importantly showed them abundant grace for eternity!

As God revealed that to me, He was reminding me of two things: First, he will give me a baby if that is what He wants.  Nothing prevents Him from doing His perfect will, and it only takes one little baby to change a "barren" woman to a "fertile" woman.  God is good and gracious because He is good and gracious, period, and He does good and gracious things.  Second, even if I don't have a baby, my life is not empty, nor is my life purposeless.  My life is full and purposeful because of God and His grace in allowing me to be part of his kingdom (which is just beginning now) and because of the blessed hope I have in what is to come.  My life is not simply my time on earth; my life includes eternity!

You can imagine how the tears flowed once God showed me this truth!  For me, and probably for many, one of my biggest fears is being useless and empty.  God reminded me that in Him, that is a fear we need not have.  He makes our lives full!