Round Two

We are now at the point where my friends (whom I love, might I add) are in round two of their pregnancies. Many strange emotions go on when I hear news of pregnancies. I do feel joy -- an authentic joy, not one completely stirred up to feign an appropriate response. But there always is a pang of disappointment in my own heart. It's hard enough to watch couples enjoy their first child, but to see them--with again, seemingly no difficulty--become pregnant and have additional children only draws a sharper contrast between them and me.

I'm aware that I feel this pain deeper during the holiday season. Robby and I will be celebrating our sixth married Christmas together, and I confess that I thought our family would look a bit different by now. It was strange sending out another Christmas card that had a photo of just Robby and me. Most of the time, I can think: Next year, it'll be different. Enjoy this year with Robby. But then that other thought comes in: But what if it's not.

The surgery we have scheduled for January brings with it high hopes for us. But I'd be lying if I said the "what if it's not" thought doesn't come into my head everyday. What if it's not the problem? What if it's not enough?

As I type this, I think of Paul, who prayed to God for something but did not get exactly what he wanted. Yet God said this: My grace is sufficient. It does all come down to God's grace: God's grace to allow us to have a baby, God's grace to hold us through our infertility, God's grace to provide when we feel we will crumble, God's grace to give us exactly what we need.

God, I need your grace today.

Surgery

My surgery has been scheduled for January 12th. Right now, our prayer is that, first, the surgery goes well (of course); second, that the cost of the surgery is as low as possible. The office gave me a quote, but it sounds like the insurance company may be contracted at a lower amount, which we're hoping for.

It's crazy to think that this is finally happening. I know that this isn't a for sure fix-it, but it definitely is exciting to know that this could be a step toward healing.

We're covered!

Our insurance coverage began yesterday, November 1st. Hooray! Poor Robby can finally get to the dentist, and I'll be able to have my surgery soon. We're hoping to have it done in January, so until then, it may be a bit quiet over here on my blog. Thanks for your continued prayers, thoughts, and concern.

Pray for Healing

This past Sunday night, the worship team at our church led the music for a combined church service that culminated our study of Jonah. Although I hadn't planned on it, I became the impromptu pianist for a prayer session. While everyone in the church was praying in small groups, I was up in front playing music and praying to myself. There were four different prayer foci. At one point, the pastor leading the time came up to me and asked if I would like to pray with him. He started praying for healing, healing of lives and specifically healing of bodies. The thing is, that was not the prayer topic. As he was finishing, I double checked, and sure enough, he had been praying for something that wasn't even on our prayer points. I knew that God had led Him to pray that with me, so I could join Him and be reminded that our God is a God of healing. I am just one person out of millions who needs healing, and only our God can accomplish that.

Thank you, God

I am amazed how God brings people into our lives. This past weekend, I had lunch with a (somewhat new) friend from church, a younger girl who has helped me with children's music. While meeting to just catch up and talk about next year's music, we began to share a bit together. This girl's story is amazing and includes over 10 painful years of wrong diagnosis and treatment of a very severe case of endometriosis. Within the last two years, she was finally correctly diagnosed, had a laparoscopy among other treatments, and is the best she has ever been. I was able to share with her my infertility journey and what the next steps for me are. Together, we talked about our fears, our frustrations, even the hit on our femininity we have felt. It was comforting, encouraging, freeing, a true gift from God, and I thank Him for that.

Better news

We were rejected a second time for insurance, but things are picking up with the possibility of getting on a group insurance with the church. Hooray! It is definitely a blessing from God. I know this could have gone on much longer, but it seems an end is in sight. The really great part is the insurance we're looking at is better than the two we've already applied for.

Besides that, I have been doing better. For a split insane second, I nearly applied for my old job again, which has recently opened up due to the teacher quitting. A number of factors went into that almost decision, but one of them was definitely being scared about this insurance situation. I see now that my desire to go back to work was coming out of fear and out of a dislike for all things unsettled, neither of which is a good reason to return.

Besides that, things are pretty much at a standstill pregnancy-wise. We're just waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

Painful Rejection

It has not been easy this past week. We found out we were denied the insurance coverage that we had applied for, which was quite a blow, but it was even worse when we finally received the letter explaining why we were rejected. It all came down to me marking a little box that said I had received treatments for infertility. Now, I may not have made it clear before, but our insurance covered none of my doctor's visits, treatments, ultrasounds, etc. that were in any way connected to infertility. Most insurance providers don't. Plus, I had to mark about eight boxes that said (in multiple ways) that I am not pregnant. So, needless to say, I'm frustrated, annoyed, and downright depressed about all of this.

Besides the fact that it's unsettling not to have insurance right now, getting that letter made everything feel a bit too real and a way too big. It may not have seemed like it on my blog, but I truly have tried to keep my infertility in perspective. The fact that it is an issue big enough to keep two healthy people from having medical coverage has nearly crumbled me. I feel completely helpless, and, if I'm honest, pretty hopeless, as well. This whole past year of treatments and doctor's visits has been a waste, and now it has only caused more problems than when we began.

I know what I'm supposed to believe right now. I know that God can do a miracle and heal me, that God can make the insurance problems work out, that God can fix this whole mess in an instant. But I also know that God allows us to go through things to make us stronger, finer, more like Him. That's what is hard right now, believing that God has my best in mind, and believing that it is better for me to have a healed heart than a "healed" situation. How I wish I could have both at the same time!

One thing is for sure: I'm desperate for God's strength and provision. I absolutely cannot do this day, let alone this entire thing, alone. And I guess that is a good place to be.