IUI #2

This past month, Robby and I had a second IUI done. The last one was in February; after that, we took "off" March and April to give ourselves a break. We weren't sure if we were going to do the IUI before summer, but it ended up working out time-wise.

If I ever would have bet on things working out, it would have been this past IUI. Everything looked good and the timing (unlike last time) seemed perfect. We left the doctor's office excited and optimistic, as sure as we ever have been that this was it. The first week following the procedure, I was extremely hopeful. In the past, I have felt cramping very early in my cycle, and this time, I had none of that. The cysts that were a problem last time seemed nonexistent this time. I couldn't wait for those two weeks to go by so I could take a pregnancy test.

The second week after the procedure, things started to change. I began to feel my normal pms cramps, and I got my usual pms migraine....lovely, right? And very quickly, my hope started to fade. Then the weekend came, and all of a sudden the cramps went away. I know implantation cramping happens to some women, so I started to think that that was what I had felt. Hope spiked again for me.

Wednesday night, cramps came again, and Thursday morning, I took a pregnancy test, which was negative. Because of the progesterone I have to take each cycle, my period won't come until I stop taking the supplements. I stopped taking them Wednesday and had to wait until Saturday morning for my period to come. This was extremely difficult because although I had taken three pregnancy tests by Saturday morning, all negative of course, there still was a tiny bit of hope inside of me. It was squashed Saturday morning, not entirely, but for this cycle.

So, here I am, back at the beginning of my cycle. I am hopeful and optimistic again, like I am every month, like I pray I will continue to be every month. And although I told God very clearly that last month would have been just perfect for me to get pregnant (the school year is nearly over, I was giving a baby shower on Saturday, a February birth would be so great, our good friends just got pregnant...all valid and logical reasons), He once again has not heeded my advice and has chosen to do His own will. And I praise Him for that. I praise Him for being so good that He does not do things based on our desires or our actions, whether they are good or bad. What a small, wimpy God He would be if that were the case!

We are, once again, taking a break. Our summers are even crazier than the school year, and since we will be gone four weeks over the next two months, we think it is best to wait and start fertility treatments again in August or September. I am looking forward to a summer vacation and time to process all that has happened this past year. Thank you, as always, for your support and prayers. Thank you for holding to hope with me, even when mine starts to fade.

Rutless (not ruthless) God

I know it has been a month since I've lasted posted. That month has been filled with the expected emotions that I usually experience. At the beginning of every cycle, I come out of a sharp depression from receiving that negative pregnancy test. However, that usually begins to climb quickly, and I feel normal, even hopeful the days following as a new cycle begins. The hope continues through the point of ovulation and peaks right around the days immediately following. Then, the cramps inevitably begin, and the movement downhill starts. It is always the worst when I'm in the middle of those painful cramps, those sharp, excrutiating reminders that my body is doing the same thing it has done every month for fifteen years. Surprisingly, when I actually get the negative result, I begin to move out of the depression, knowing that a new cycle is beginning, and with a new cycle, a new opportunity.

So, that's where I am, physically and emotionally. I'm in my rut, but I realized this week that God never is. He has something new to teach me every month, or at least he has the same truth to impress upon me in a new way. One thing he has shown me is my potential to believe a terrible lie during those lowest points in my month. This is the lie: "I am all alone in this." No good can ever come out this statement. It is untrue and unbiblical, for two reasons:

First, we are never ever alone because we have, above all, Christ. Christ is with us in our joy and our pain. Christ has experienced every human emotion.

Secondly, everyone has experienced some form of pain, sorrow, or disappointment. It might not look exactly like mine, but it is the same human emotion. A person may not have gone through a struggle with becoming pregnant, but she may have gone through the pain of a miscarriage, or the disappointment of loss. Believing this lie will only lead to a sick type of arrogance (I'm the only one who experiences this) or anger and resentment (no one cares about or understands me).

God is so good. He will not let me accept and wallow in this lie. And what's even better, he promises to exchange our ashes for beauty, our sorrow for joy. Not only does he pull me out of the pit, but he puts me on solid ground and gives me grace to stand.

Stay-at-home...person?

This past week, I let my principal know that I wouldn't be returning to work at Green Acres next year. It was a huge decision for me, but not one that came without much prayer and thought. In fact, I have been praying for this for well over a year, asking God if Green Acres, and teaching in general, was where he wanted me to be. The thing is, I thought the decision would be easy for me. I thought (well, I hoped) that I would get pregnant, and the decision would be made. I never anticipated having to make this decision without having the...well...excuse of being pregnant. It's one thing to say I'm going to be a stay-at-home mom, but being a stay-at-home person doesn't quite go over as well.

When I realized that getting pregnant perhaps wasn't going to be my "out" for teaching, it became clear that I was going to have to make this decision and trust God. I knew that people wouldn't really understand. Why would someone who is doing well in her career and is not at the moment carrying a baby quit her job?! For many people, it just seems absurd. But for me, I know it's right. I know this is what God wants me to do.

The scary thing is, I don't have much of a plan. I have some ideas of things I'd like to do, but for the first time in a very very long time, I'm allowing God to lead me. And I'll be honest: this feels very foreign to me. But I think this is precisely what God wants me to do and feel right now. It may appear that my plan has failed, but I know God's plan is still perfectly on course.

One thing

It has been three weeks since I last posted, but my absence from my blog has not come out of a lack of things of which to write, but a surplus. I have often sat down and tried to write something, only to find myself overwhelmed with where to begin. I decided today to just write one thing that has found its way into my heart and mind recently.

One of the hardest things about my infertility has been knowing the "correct" way to respond, both in emotion and action. Recently, I was explaining this to Kelly, who was kind enough to listen...and listen some more...and then give me a true insight. She reminded me that the things we go through are things God has given us. He gives each of us specific things to teach us, grow us, and, as she put it, heal us. I think I have been expecting for God to lay out some plan for my life now, some new grand action I'm supposed to take. My thoughts have gone everywhere from pursuing another degree to adoption to foster care to full-time ministry. I guess I just assumed that God's reason for not giving me a child must mean that there is something big I need to do. My conversation with Kelly reminded me that my grand action may be simply to listen and walk in this, to accept that God is using this to heal my soul, to allow him to work in the deepest parts of my heart that I don't often like to venture into.

This may seem simple, even obvious, but for me it has been incredibly freeing. I am free to sit before Him and cry. I am free to tell him that this hurts and that I don't understand. And I am free to trust Him. That's it. I don't have to do anything beyond this. I can accept what he has given me and, more importantly, accept the healing change in my heart that comes from listening to and hoping in Him.

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“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” – Romans 5:1-5

Run and not grow weary

On Thursday, I shared how difficult these past two weeks have been for me. Of course, within the difficult time there have been many good moments, moments when friends have said the right encouraging word or moments when I've felt the peace of God flood over me. This weekend had more of those, and I wanted to write them down.

Friday night, Rob and I left for Lakewood, where I would be leading worship for a small women's gathering put on by our previous church and denomination. They had asked me months ago, and I said yes, obviously not realizing the difficult time I'd be in. I nearly cancelled last week but changed my mind, deciding to trust that God would give me the strength. I'm so glad I didn't miss the opportunity to be encouraged.

As I began the worship time, I shared with them how fitting it was that our theme was "Run and not grow weary" from Isaiah 40. The rest of that verse seemed to be my mantra: They that wait upon (hope in) the Lord will renew their strength. I told them that I was feeling very weak, very weary, but that it was God who would give me strength. And he did! It was an awesome time of worship and fellowship.

Afterward, a woman in the church (and a good friend of ours) came up and asked how she might pray for me. I told her that she could pray for us to have a baby, that that is what is on my heart right now. She began to tell me how they too had struggled with conceiving, and it took them eight years to get pregnant. She said she remembered being in a doctor's office just after having a laparoscopy. Before the doctor came in, she heard God tell her that she would have children, whether it was through the natural way or through adoption. Just then, the doctor came in and told her that the procedure had revealed that she was incapable of having a baby. She had to decide right then whom she would believe: the doctor or the Lord. She chose to believe the Lord. A year later, she was pregnant.

Later that day, we visited with some other friends, a couple who has just had a baby. Our friend shared that it was a complete shock and miracle that she became pregnant. She explained that she had not had a period in years, and she had been told that it was extremely unlikely that she would be able to have a baby. Her experience was very different from mine: she had already accepted in her life that she would not have children, and she and her husband were prepared for that. They were not prepared to get pregnant. Although it of course has been a blessing for them, it has nonetheless required a total dependancy on God.

It's interesting how different and yet similar our stories are. It reminds me that it is not so much about the outcome of our struggles as it is what happens within the struggles. What do we choose to believe? Do we trust the Lord, do we depend on him, or do we continue to think we know what's best for our lives?

Little by little (and I mean little), I am trusting the Lord, and I am not only believing intellectually, but believing deep in my heart that God has a purpose and a plan.

Meltdown City

Since I last wrote, things have taken a turn for the worse over here. Now, most people wouldn't know. I still do my job, attend church, and overall keep a smile on my face. However, the truth is, this has been one of the hardest weeks I've had in a long time. I guess I wasn't really prepared for the fall after my negative test last week. I was being honest when I said I was at peace with it. Truly I was! But when Wednesday and Thursday rolled around, and the cysts left over from the Clomid were causing me excrutiating pain again, and about 800 pregnant women were shopping at Target when I was, I started to crumble. By Thursday night, I was a bit of a mess. After a good long cry, I felt better, but it seemed that during the week to follow, I found myself just a thought away from tears again.

There is just a disconnect between what I believe and how I feel. I believe with all of my heart that God loves me, has a plan for me, wants to give me the desires of my heart. I believe that God grants rest and peace to all who ask Him. I believe that all things have their purpose. But I feel sad, disappointed, afraid, even angry at times.

I have found great comfort in God's word lately because it is full of people who believe true things about God but have obvious sorrows, disappointments, and fears. They are the poster-children for the truth we know, that it is in our weakness that God's strength is revealed.

I believe this to be true. Now if only my crazy emotions would just jump on the bandwagon and believe it, too.

Try, try again

I wish I had more exciting news to share, but after taking a test Saturday night, Sunday morning, and this morning, I have another negative result this month.

Saturday night and Sunday, I was heartbroken. John and Kelly left around 7:30, and right at that time, my cramps kicked in. It felt like my period had been just holding off until I would stop taking those progesterone supplements (which I mentioned prevent a period from taking place, but you can still get your symptoms.) I was already depressed, so I decided to just go ahead and take a test. Sunday morning was the worst, and I knew without a doubt at that point. Today's test just proved it all.

Thank you all for your prayers and support. I am doing all right at the moment, having already grieved over it this weekend and feeling at peace about it. I can feel hope growing inside of me again as a new cycle will start. We will be taking a break from the fertility treatments, however. March is just too busy, and I think a break would be good, anyway. We'll pray about when to start again, but probably close to summer.