God's Faithfulness

You are constant, Lord.

We see glimpses
of your constancy around us --
the rising and setting of the sun,
the opening and closing of flowers,
the rushing and retreating of waves.

But these are just a shadow of the Greater,
just a brush stroke of the painter.
For even the sun does not appear each day the same;
even the flower falls before its time;
even the waves answer to a stronger moon.

You and only you
are constant and faithful
yesterday,
today,
and tomorrow,
For You and only You
are past,
present,
and future.

You do not shake;
You do not change;
You do not bend or bow
in any form or way.
You answer to no one,
and so You alone are able --
Able to be the same,
unchanging,
unmoving,
Always.

1/30/12

Stepping Stones

I was recently informed of this great ministry and resource for couples struggling with infertility.  It is called Stepping Stones and is published by Bethany Christian Ministries.  It is encouraging and helpful for couples dealing with infertility, as well as their family and friends wanting to know how to support them.

Anniversary

This little blog in blogland is coming up to its two-year anniversary, which means it's been two years since our first IUI.  I can.not.believe.it.  To "celebrate," I went back and read some of my old posts.  I have to say it was a big cathartic, and I had a good cry on the couch this evening.  To be honest, I've been having a rough time since the new year.  My birthday is in January, so I had both New Year's Day and my birthday to remind me that another year has come and gone, and the deepest desire I've ever had hasn't been met.  The pain has been sharpened as dear women from my small group have recently announced their pregnancies, as well.

Going through my old posts did show me how much I've grown and changed, though.  At that time, I could barely even think about adoption.  Although Robby and I still aren't ready to adopt, we did attend an information meeting a couple of weeks ago about adoption.  This was a good step for us.  I'll share more about it later, but for now I can say I'm grateful God gave us that opportunity to attend.  I know He wanted us there.

I also see that I'm better understanding the value God still has on my life and on Robby's and my life together.  I think we're so accustomed to giving value to our lives only if it includes a family, and surely a family is a valuable thing.  But I'm recognizing that God has a purpose for me, and I have value in His eyes even if I don't ever become a mother.

Finally, I recognize that I am more open about our struggle.  I think, at the beginning, it was almost embarrassing for me to share with others that we were unable to have children.  I didn't want to deal with people's reactions, and I certainly didn't want people talking about me.  I know now, though, that this is a load to be shared, a burden to be born by those who love us.  It has been freeing to share more about our journey, and I find joy in seeing how God uses us to do just that.

There.  This all helped very much.  Thank you :)

A New Year

I haven't spent much time on this blog in the last year.  I can only say that it's not due to the fact that I don't think often about a baby.  It's the opposite.  I think about it all the time, so much so that it's just part of my life now.  In some ways, this struggle becomes easier with time.  I feel that God continues to grow my patience and understanding.  I don't have the same levels of anger or anxiety I once had.  But in other ways, the struggle becomes harder the longer it continues, and I wonder if it will ever be over.

The New Year always brings new hope for me, though, and I look forward to seeing what God will do in our lives.

Still here, plus a few thoughts on Ruth

This past Saturday, I shared at Kara's Purely Divine Boutique (as you all know).  It was a great day, and although I was absolutely terrified and nervous when it came my time to start, I eventually got into a groove.  One thing I shared was what I had recently realized about Ruth, and for those who didn't get to go, I wanted to write it here again.

After the last BFN, I was crushed.  Disappointment just cannot begin to capture what I felt.  There was hope, yes, because I've learned hope exists whether or not things turn out as we want, but there was also a deep sorrow.  A few days later, I was praying one morning and very clearly heard God tell me to look at Ruth, because I was like Ruth.  He revealed something about Ruth that -- even though I've probably read this book 100 times -- I hadn't noticed.  Ruth and her husband Mahlon were married for 10 years, but they had no children.  We know in a culture as theirs, the "choice" not to have children wasn't really one people made.  I did a bit of research and, sure enough, commentators said that it was likely that Ruth was barren, for whatever reason.

The first chapter of Ruth begins with a bleak picture: the spiritual emptiness of Israel during the time of the Judges, a famine in Judah, the death of Naomi's husband and sons (who was Ruth's husband), and then to top it all off, the barrenness of the women as there were no children.  We know the story, though.  God provides for both Naomi and Ruth through their kinsman redeemer Boaz, and not only does Ruth marry Boaz and receive a loving husband, but they together have a son, Obed.

Of course, the point of the story isn't that God gave Ruth a son, though he certainly showed her grace through that.  The point of the story is that that son, Obed, was the father of Jesse, who was the father of David, who was the father of Jesus.  The story is about true salvation that goes beyond just meeting the needs here on earth.  God, in his kindness, showed grace to Ruth, allowing her to know Him and be part of His kingdom and saving plan.  That was the fullness that He offered Ruth and Naomi.  He showed them abundant grace here on this earth, yes, but more importantly showed them abundant grace for eternity!

As God revealed that to me, He was reminding me of two things: First, he will give me a baby if that is what He wants.  Nothing prevents Him from doing His perfect will, and it only takes one little baby to change a "barren" woman to a "fertile" woman.  God is good and gracious because He is good and gracious, period, and He does good and gracious things.  Second, even if I don't have a baby, my life is not empty, nor is my life purposeless.  My life is full and purposeful because of God and His grace in allowing me to be part of his kingdom (which is just beginning now) and because of the blessed hope I have in what is to come.  My life is not simply my time on earth; my life includes eternity!

You can imagine how the tears flowed once God showed me this truth!  For me, and probably for many, one of my biggest fears is being useless and empty.  God reminded me that in Him, that is a fear we need not have.  He makes our lives full!

Something New

It's been a few weeks since we got the BFN, and things have moved along and settled into normal again.  We still feel really good about not pursuing the fertility treatments, and although I've had a bit of cyst pain, it's been great not worrying about pills and needles.  We also have felt the strong and calming presence of God, especially the last weekend during Easter.  We don't know what the future will hold exactly (or maybe at all!), but we do know God is with us and has a perfect plan for us!

BFN

BFN = Big Fat Negative

One of these days, perhaps I will get to see a BFP.  But today, that was not so.  We are heartbroken and disappointed beyond words.  I truly had felt that this month was it for me, more than I have ever felt.  There were symptoms I had that I rarely if ever have had before, and the cramping was much duller and later than it usually is.  I think that makes it harder, but perhaps not.  I'm sad every month, and I wonder when that will ever end.

Thank you, as always, for your prayers and love.  It is only through God's gracious presence in our lives that we are able to keep going, even today, when we are so full of sorrow.