I hate pregnancy tests.

So, it's official official: I am not pregnant. I already knew I wasn't, since I took a test on Wednesday and Thursday as I was supposed to. However, because this stupid progesterone I'm on doesn't let me start my period until I go off of it (and it can take days for the progesterone to get out of my system and signal to my body it's time to start a period), I still live in suspense for a few more days. It finally came--as it always does--so here I am again, at the same place I am every month, starting all over.

You know what I look forward to? The day when I pee on a pregnancy stick and see something there! I use the ones from Target because they're cheaper, and they have the control window and the "a line will show up if it's positive" window. That window is always blank. Always!! I would love even a false positive here and there. (Okay, maybe I wouldn't, but I would love a true positive for sure!)

I have shed many tears this past week and asked many questions. Right now, I'm doing all right, but it seems that can change in an instant. The hardest part about this particular IUI (besides the fact that everything seemed so right) is that it may be the last one we do. We are changing insurance companies and changing the way our medical allowance works with Robby's job. This means that everything will now come out of our pocket for anything regarding infertility. An IUI cycle costs about $800 a month, including the medication, ultrasounds, visits, and procedure. Although that seems inexpensive if it works, it gets quite pricey when one has to do it multiple times. With the change of our employment situation (ie me staying home), we recognize that continuing fertility treatments may not be an option, at least not like it has been.

I know that fertility treatments are not necessary for me to become pregnant. I know that. However, it is scary to say we aren't going to do these anymore, even if I hate them. At this point, I don't really know what we are going to do, but what I do know is that God is with us, God can do anything, and God loves us.

Thanks for your sympathy, your support, and most of all, your prayers. I can't express how much they mean to us.

Update

I thought I'd quickly share that our third IUI was not a success. We are, of course, so sad. Like the last one, everything seemed to point to a good outcome. It is both disappointing and frustrating.

God is not silent during this time, and I praise Him for that.

It's okay to hope.

Hope, is that you breaking through?

A tiny chink of light?

Is that you upon my wall,

dancing pure and bright?

Are you growing speck by speck,

glowing in my dark?

Can I take you in my hand,

and place you in my heart?

I know I've often thrown you out

and driven you away.

But this time, please burn by my side

and turn my night to day.

For fear of disappointment

has made me lose my sight.

But I know you come from my God,

Creator of Hope and Light.

8/31/10

Better

I thought I should share that I am better. I am not so down and pouty like I was yesterday, so that's good. I am going to admit to you, though, that I still am not excited. I was talking with Robby about this last night and decided that although I firmly believe God is going to give us a child, this idea of a child is part of a far off future. I have no problem with saying that someday, God will grant us this; it's much more difficult to think that this time could actually be the time. And so, to get excited and worked up about it is difficult for me right now. I feel as if it's like buying a lottery ticket and getting truly excited about winning even though the chances are slim. I'm not saying these ideas are good. In fact, I'm recognizing quite the opposite. I don't want to have a "far off future" trust in God; I want to have a here and now trust in God. That is my prayer today.

Feeling down

This morning was our IUI, and things went smoothly. The doctor said everything looked good, and the procedure wasn't as uncomfortable as it was the last time. The strange thing is while I was happy at the doctor's office that things went well, as soon as we were in the car my excitement faded. After other appointments, Robby and I usually will talk about our future baby or dream about it becoming a reality, but today felt different, and I'm not sure why. The only thing I want to do is hide out right now.

Usually when I write a downer blog post, I write it after I've already come out of the depression. That's not the case today. However, knowing that God has been with us every step of the way regarding this (and everything), I can rest assured that He's with me and He knows the deepest corners of my heart that even I am unaware of. I find comfort in that today.

IUI #3

I can hardly believe the end of August is nearly here. It seems our little break from treatments went by so quickly, but I feel ready to begin it all again. I've already done a cycle of Clomid (the medication that stimulates follicle growth) and Ovidrel (the one that helps in ovulation). Tomorrow we have our third IUI scheduled, and I'm excited about it! My appointment went well yesterday: the doctor said I have three good follicles that look like they have matured well, and my uterine lining looked very good. (Before you get your hopes up too high, know that I've heard this all before!) So, from a health perspective, things look great! Keep us in your prayers tomorrow. It's always a pretty emotional day--and week--for us, plus the procedure itself isn't something I really love. Of course, the hope that this could be it for us makes us able to deal with about anything!

My Tree

When Robby and I moved into our home over a year and a half ago, we couldn't wait to get started on creating a lovely backyard. Robby has truly done that: he has planted trees, vines, bushes, and flowers; built a pergola, a pathway, and a planter; and overall masterfully created a little paradise for us. Nearly every morning, I spend some time outside drinking coffee, praying, or reading. This past week, I was reminded of something, and I cannot believe I had forgotten it. You'll see why it's almost unthinkable that this slipped my mind.

About a year ago, Robby had just planted our trees in our yard. It's not the wisest decision to plant trees in our summer because it is so hot here, but we are impatient, and we wanted trees. We left for a week vacation, and when we came back, our corner elm tree was dead. Every leaf was brown, the branches could snap right off, life seemed non-existent. We were both sad about this, not only because trees aren't cheap, but also because we loved that tree.

During this time, I was just beginning to deal with the difficulty we were having getting pregnant. We had recently celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary, and it was on that trip that two difficult things happened: I had my first bad case with cysts, and I heard from my ob-gyn that there wasn't any more she could do to help me get pregnant. I was pretty devastated that summer.

One morning, I was sitting outside reading my Bible and doing a little prayer-walking around the yard. I walked to that dead elm tree and started praying for it. (I know...a little crazy.) And then I started praying for me. I was so heartbroken about things not working out, and I felt sort of like that tree--dead, purposeless, withered. I prayed for healing for that tree, and I prayed for healing for me. I asked God to heal that tree to remind me of his grace for me in my life.

I continued praying for that tree throughout that summer and fall. I suppose once the school year began and things got busy, I forgot about it. The tree had begun to show signs of life, but it was still in a sad state.

Last weekend, I was outside again in the morning, and I remembered that prayer. I should probably say the Holy Spirit reminded me, because it came back so clearly. How could I have forgotten?? That tree--which was dead last summer--is now the biggest and most beautiful tree we have in our yard. It is double the size of the other elms, probably three times the size of the other trees, without a trace of death in it. It is gorgeous.

God answered my prayer, and He is answering my prayer still. He is the God of this grand universe, the God who holds all things together, but He is also the God who comes to us when we are alone in our backyard and magnificently reveals He is with us.

On a lighter note, I told Robby this recently, and he looked around our yard (many of our plants and trees are suffering from the heat and poor soil) and asked why I didn't pray for everything. I told him God had to let some of the other things die so I could more clearly see his hand.