Naptime

This week has been a bit rough for me. As I shared, it's my first real week off, the beginning of my new phase of life in a sense, and it hit right after about six weeks straight of running around, vacationing, church things, projects, etc. It began somewhat unfortunately as I had a cold, a UTI, the 24-hour flu (the achey one), and a yeast infection nearly back to back the first few days. All that to say, my defenses--both physically and emotionally--were down.

Kelly keeps a blog, and a couple of days ago, she wrote about her daughter when it's nearly her naptime. Kelly's daughter is an incredibly joyful baby. I spent four days straight with them and hardly saw her cry, and even if she was upset, there were never major tantrums. However, she does show that she is tired and wants her nap in one way: everything becomes, as Kelly says it, "heartbreak." Little things that would just roll right over her at any other time, such as bumping her head or Kelly walking away, become a reason for major tears.

I hate to say it, but when I'm tired, drained, a little on the sick side, I am like that little girl. (How sad! A one year old!) And then throw in the fact that I find a lot of my identity in what I do and accomplish, I'm bound to have a bad week once things slow down and the way my life has looked for years completely changes.

I'm not saying that I can't be truly sad about my infertility. I can, and I am. But what I've noticed is comments, situations, issues that I can usually handle--in light of God's promises and hand in my life--become a way bigger deal to me at certain times. Noticing this truth doesn't necessary fix what I feel, but it is good for me to acknowledge the times when I'm down and deal with it! It may mean I need to spend more time in prayer or reading my Bible; it may mean I go for a walk; or sometimes it just may mean I need a nap.

Time to deal

This summer has been a busy one for us. I suppose our summers are always busy, but I think this one takes the cake. I realized that from June 5 to July 31st, I was out of town half of those days. Besides making me tired, this has also made it very easy to put out of my mind any subjects I don't want to deal with. Guess what's first on that list?

So, the busy-ness is over, and there is now lots of time. The little things that came up over the summer are now coming to the surface: dealing with the painful cysts (again), more friends having babies, people talking about adoption and foster care. It seems just when I think I've "conquered" (I use that term very loosely) an issue or fear, it comes up in a new way, and God has to teach and heal me all over again.

Funny. As I wrote that last line, I could feel God say to me, "Exactly." I suppose my view of "conquering" is quite different from God's. He's not okay with me getting by; He's not okay with me stuffing things away; He's definitely not okay with me being so busy I don't have to deal with anything. He wants to teach and heal me...again and again and again.

Here we go again, then.

Happily Unemployed

There are two very strong emotions taking hold in my life right now. On the one hand, I am happy. I have been out of school for nearly a month, and my life just feels fuller, calmer, easier. I have been enjoying time with my husband, my entire family, and my friends. Robby and I have done some big things already, such as our anniversary trip to New York, but we also love the little moments we have, like coffee in the morning and planting new things in our yard. I have had time to be creative and use the talents God has given me, and this has been awesome. There are plenty of moments in my day when I think, This is perfect.

On the other hand, though, there is a hole in our lives. We want to have a baby and to have a family. We want to have more than just the two of us in our house. Each month, the disappointment is so overwhelming that it hurts and it seems to mask any good thing taking place. So while I am extremely joyful and content, I also recognize an emptiness in my heart, a longing to have that hole filled.

I realize that we often have seemingly contradicting emotions in our life. We want to work and have rest. We want companionship but also alone time. We want things to stay the same but also to keep moving. These opposite desires are part of life, so I guess that's what I'm feeling right now. But sometimes it's just plain confusing. I don't know how to deal with these two emotions at the same time.

So, I deal with them as best as I can. I praise God for the rest he has given me, the joy I have with my husband, the blessings He has granted us through family and friends. And I go to God with my disappointment, my sorrow, and my confusion.

IUI #2

This past month, Robby and I had a second IUI done. The last one was in February; after that, we took "off" March and April to give ourselves a break. We weren't sure if we were going to do the IUI before summer, but it ended up working out time-wise.

If I ever would have bet on things working out, it would have been this past IUI. Everything looked good and the timing (unlike last time) seemed perfect. We left the doctor's office excited and optimistic, as sure as we ever have been that this was it. The first week following the procedure, I was extremely hopeful. In the past, I have felt cramping very early in my cycle, and this time, I had none of that. The cysts that were a problem last time seemed nonexistent this time. I couldn't wait for those two weeks to go by so I could take a pregnancy test.

The second week after the procedure, things started to change. I began to feel my normal pms cramps, and I got my usual pms migraine....lovely, right? And very quickly, my hope started to fade. Then the weekend came, and all of a sudden the cramps went away. I know implantation cramping happens to some women, so I started to think that that was what I had felt. Hope spiked again for me.

Wednesday night, cramps came again, and Thursday morning, I took a pregnancy test, which was negative. Because of the progesterone I have to take each cycle, my period won't come until I stop taking the supplements. I stopped taking them Wednesday and had to wait until Saturday morning for my period to come. This was extremely difficult because although I had taken three pregnancy tests by Saturday morning, all negative of course, there still was a tiny bit of hope inside of me. It was squashed Saturday morning, not entirely, but for this cycle.

So, here I am, back at the beginning of my cycle. I am hopeful and optimistic again, like I am every month, like I pray I will continue to be every month. And although I told God very clearly that last month would have been just perfect for me to get pregnant (the school year is nearly over, I was giving a baby shower on Saturday, a February birth would be so great, our good friends just got pregnant...all valid and logical reasons), He once again has not heeded my advice and has chosen to do His own will. And I praise Him for that. I praise Him for being so good that He does not do things based on our desires or our actions, whether they are good or bad. What a small, wimpy God He would be if that were the case!

We are, once again, taking a break. Our summers are even crazier than the school year, and since we will be gone four weeks over the next two months, we think it is best to wait and start fertility treatments again in August or September. I am looking forward to a summer vacation and time to process all that has happened this past year. Thank you, as always, for your support and prayers. Thank you for holding to hope with me, even when mine starts to fade.

Rutless (not ruthless) God

I know it has been a month since I've lasted posted. That month has been filled with the expected emotions that I usually experience. At the beginning of every cycle, I come out of a sharp depression from receiving that negative pregnancy test. However, that usually begins to climb quickly, and I feel normal, even hopeful the days following as a new cycle begins. The hope continues through the point of ovulation and peaks right around the days immediately following. Then, the cramps inevitably begin, and the movement downhill starts. It is always the worst when I'm in the middle of those painful cramps, those sharp, excrutiating reminders that my body is doing the same thing it has done every month for fifteen years. Surprisingly, when I actually get the negative result, I begin to move out of the depression, knowing that a new cycle is beginning, and with a new cycle, a new opportunity.

So, that's where I am, physically and emotionally. I'm in my rut, but I realized this week that God never is. He has something new to teach me every month, or at least he has the same truth to impress upon me in a new way. One thing he has shown me is my potential to believe a terrible lie during those lowest points in my month. This is the lie: "I am all alone in this." No good can ever come out this statement. It is untrue and unbiblical, for two reasons:

First, we are never ever alone because we have, above all, Christ. Christ is with us in our joy and our pain. Christ has experienced every human emotion.

Secondly, everyone has experienced some form of pain, sorrow, or disappointment. It might not look exactly like mine, but it is the same human emotion. A person may not have gone through a struggle with becoming pregnant, but she may have gone through the pain of a miscarriage, or the disappointment of loss. Believing this lie will only lead to a sick type of arrogance (I'm the only one who experiences this) or anger and resentment (no one cares about or understands me).

God is so good. He will not let me accept and wallow in this lie. And what's even better, he promises to exchange our ashes for beauty, our sorrow for joy. Not only does he pull me out of the pit, but he puts me on solid ground and gives me grace to stand.

Stay-at-home...person?

This past week, I let my principal know that I wouldn't be returning to work at Green Acres next year. It was a huge decision for me, but not one that came without much prayer and thought. In fact, I have been praying for this for well over a year, asking God if Green Acres, and teaching in general, was where he wanted me to be. The thing is, I thought the decision would be easy for me. I thought (well, I hoped) that I would get pregnant, and the decision would be made. I never anticipated having to make this decision without having the...well...excuse of being pregnant. It's one thing to say I'm going to be a stay-at-home mom, but being a stay-at-home person doesn't quite go over as well.

When I realized that getting pregnant perhaps wasn't going to be my "out" for teaching, it became clear that I was going to have to make this decision and trust God. I knew that people wouldn't really understand. Why would someone who is doing well in her career and is not at the moment carrying a baby quit her job?! For many people, it just seems absurd. But for me, I know it's right. I know this is what God wants me to do.

The scary thing is, I don't have much of a plan. I have some ideas of things I'd like to do, but for the first time in a very very long time, I'm allowing God to lead me. And I'll be honest: this feels very foreign to me. But I think this is precisely what God wants me to do and feel right now. It may appear that my plan has failed, but I know God's plan is still perfectly on course.

One thing

It has been three weeks since I last posted, but my absence from my blog has not come out of a lack of things of which to write, but a surplus. I have often sat down and tried to write something, only to find myself overwhelmed with where to begin. I decided today to just write one thing that has found its way into my heart and mind recently.

One of the hardest things about my infertility has been knowing the "correct" way to respond, both in emotion and action. Recently, I was explaining this to Kelly, who was kind enough to listen...and listen some more...and then give me a true insight. She reminded me that the things we go through are things God has given us. He gives each of us specific things to teach us, grow us, and, as she put it, heal us. I think I have been expecting for God to lay out some plan for my life now, some new grand action I'm supposed to take. My thoughts have gone everywhere from pursuing another degree to adoption to foster care to full-time ministry. I guess I just assumed that God's reason for not giving me a child must mean that there is something big I need to do. My conversation with Kelly reminded me that my grand action may be simply to listen and walk in this, to accept that God is using this to heal my soul, to allow him to work in the deepest parts of my heart that I don't often like to venture into.

This may seem simple, even obvious, but for me it has been incredibly freeing. I am free to sit before Him and cry. I am free to tell him that this hurts and that I don't understand. And I am free to trust Him. That's it. I don't have to do anything beyond this. I can accept what he has given me and, more importantly, accept the healing change in my heart that comes from listening to and hoping in Him.

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“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” – Romans 5:1-5